Is happiness a choice?
There is a item from the Huffington Post by Carolyn Gregore on AOL with the headline. " There is scientific proof that happiness is a choice"
She draws from multiple sources assumptions that humans have this choice and lists positive moves we can each make individually to promote our own happiness. We are all familiar with the advice on relieving the stress of caregiving by things like meditation.
I can understand that posters on this site come here for a variety of reasons and gain information and support for their individual problems.
One thing I had not considered is the actual therapy found in writing.
To quote from the article " Writing relaxes your state of mind because it takes your attention off your feelings and puts them on your fingers" .
What do others think?
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Ms Vann lists eight ways to obtain happiness gleaned from Dr Lyobomirsky's book further simplified by me.
1. Look for the positive
See the future with optimism
2. Nurture relationships
Foster friendships and family ties
3. Be physically active
To help prevent negative emotions.
4. Express gratitude
Great antidote to negative emotions
5.Offer help to others
Great way to boost self esteem
6. Forgive
Even if you can't do it in reality
7. Take pleasure in small things
Savor the joys in your life as a buffer against stress.
8. Make spiritual practice a habit
Meditation and prayer gives meaning to life
I know that as caregivers it is impossible to do all of these things all of the time but maybe one of them sometimes could make a difference.
Writing on this site gives many relief from their stress and new hope for solving problems. Were we all led to it for a reason?
Conversely, since happiness is a choice, some people choose not to be happy. I recall one day I said to a friend that I felt I was missing something in life, because I was not living a jovial life with a fancy car big house and boat. My friend answered back "perhaps you are one of those whose mission in life is not to be happy." I began to appreciate the truth of the statement. For example, we all recognize George Washington as a hero. But do you think he was happy when he was camped out at Valley Forge and his men were freezing from winter snow, starving, and dying right before his eyes? Was he happy when he was crossing the freezing Delaware River on Christmas Eve to battle in Trenton? I doubt it. But without George Washington, where would we be today?
Try to find the Ted Talk and listen to it and then reflect each day on what you do have.
The surge of feelings we feel when something hurtful or dangerous or unpleasant happens only last a few seconds – like less than a minute, scientists say. Those feelings occur almost without our awareness. But then, our brains can continue thinking the thoughts that feed those emotions. Most of us learned as kids to follow that mental habit. We keep the feelings going by keeping the thoughts going. We can do that for minutes or hours or days – or years, even. Or, we can think different things, try to see what happened from a different angle, and that can change how we feel.
That’s what I think of when I think of choosing happiness. Obviously it is harder to learn this if you were abused or neglected as a child, or even as an adult.
I think all these things helped me to purge as much negatives that I kept inside. Now, I'm finally ready to understand things. So when I read that Joy is a deliberate conscious choice. I stopped on that sentence and re-read it several times. Then the next few sentences hammered it home. "Our joy isn't controlled by others or by outward circumstances...It's an attitude, not a transitory emotion." I re-read that several times, too. I now understand that it's up to me to find that happiness from within. Because I'm so messed up, I know that I need to work on my emotions (other than anger, hatred, resentment) and not keep it all buried within. It's time for me to let go of the past. Accept it, embrace it, and then let it go. Trying to shift my view of half empty cup to a half-full cup. Or as another poster said to me: a cup full of potentials. It's our Attitude.
Choosing not to identify yourself as a powerless victim is choosing to be happy. (Full disclosure: One of my most common identities is as a victim. But I'm working on it!)
Sometimes we can burn off all our energy in anger, and not have any left to make changes. I do that a lot. Choosing to be calm is much more powerful.
Did you read what the Captain said about his Anger Management workshop? He realized that he was letting his ex push his buttons, and that he could keep her away from those buttons!
A better example of choosing happiness is someone who has suffered the loss of a limb or other permanent physical problem. Of course there is unhappiness and suffering, but you can't grow back your leg. You can choose to accept and live this new life you have. Or you can decide your life is over. It's a choice.
I always used to get pissed off when they told me happiness is a choice. I didn't see how that could possibly be true. But I started seeing friends and family who were holding onto their unhappiness. "If he would just do what I told him to, he would be happy!" I can always see the faults and errors of others much more clearly.
Then I started looking at the few lucky people who seemed to be happy most of the time. I noticed that they expected good things to happen. They were trusting but not gullible. They were usually kind and generous, but they knew how to say no. They laughed, not at tragedy, but at daily snafus. They did find things to laugh at even at a wake. I want to be more like them.
Of course we can't eliminate all problems and unhappiness and suffering just by wishing and positive thinking. But there is technology out there that increases happiness. It includes AA, Al Anon, Buddhism, and parts of every religion. Not the part that says, We're right and you're wrong. It's the part that says, We are all part of God, and we can feel ourselves being held in God's love.
I probably didn't say the thing about religion quite right. But saying "Jesus loves me, this I know" always helps. I just have to remember to do it.
When people deal with bad things that are beyond their control, the only thing you can 'choose', imo, is whether or not to be honest about how you REALLY feel about it. If someone could 'choose' to be happy all the time, you wouldn't read about so many UNhappy care givers around here, would you? No. We'd all just CHOOSE happiness and sunshine.
Sure, we call all do things to relieve or minimize how stressed we feel...but that doesn't eliminate feelings of unhappiness completely. If someone is in a flat out unhappy situation, how are they going to 'choose' to be happy? If someone is married to a jerk that slaps them around, can they REALLY choose happiness? I doubt it. Can they choose to LEAVE and change an unhappy situation? You bet. I think people can choose their actions, which thereby changes their circumstances for the better, thereby making themselves happier...but choose to be happy about things that make them unhappy? No, I don't think so. No amount of meditation or whatever would make me 'happy' with some guy that hit me, no amount of trying to 'choose' to be happy would make it happen in that kind of scenario. (Just one example)
I don't know if I explained what I'm trying to say well...but you get where I'm going... lol
Circumstances can make it much harder to choose happiness, but it's still possible.
People don't tend to believe that they have a choice, and resist believing that they do, that their thoughts control them, and that they can change their thoughts. Other people seem to see it or learn it.
Several male friends taught me that it isn't absolutely required to blow your top when things go wrong. I found it hard to believe that someone could drive in rush hour traffic without rising blood pressure, because my father and brother didn't. Another guy, a computer programmer, had vice presidents calling for status reports every 15 minutes. He kept trotting along investigating and fixing things. He said, "I can't tell you when it will be fixed until I know what's wrong. I can't figure out what's wrong while I'm giving you a status report." He refused to accept the stress they tried to give him.
I learned from them, but I am just a beginner, and they were masters.
Mom doesn't say she is happy or unhappy, so I can only go by her actions. But she resists socialization unless it is with my brothers and sisters. And she will sigh a lot. She says she likes to be outside, but she never goes onto the screened in porch. She says she likes to listen to music but she doesn’t turn on her CD player. While we are aware that her initiative may have been damaged by the stroke, this seems to be more a strengthening of her lifetime habit of just taking what came along and not taking responsibility for her life or her emotions. She does some things when I do them with her - like go to swim class or church - but doing other things together, like making pot holders, is too unpleasant and she stops doing it. I can play beside her only so much.
Taking care of her has really helped me learn that I can be happy even when others around me are not.
I, personally, feel there is great healing in writing. That's why my first book was written. I needed the catharsis and also needed to know how other caregivers coped.
Blessings,
Carol
Does your mother use a computer?
This could give her a way of interacting without the effort of personal interaction.
Would she still do things if you did them with her?
So I do think we choose to be happy but I think that is not the majority opinion. At least, not among people I know.