My husband has been in memory care for about a year, during the Covid shutdown. Since I have been visiting him on a regular basis now, he seems really stable. Today the doctor wants to take him off 2 of his medicines that may have been making him drowsy. He is incontinent however and a little unstable on his feet but I’m thinking with help from a caregiver I could bring him home. My hesitation is that this stability may not last and then I would have to go through the whole process of getting him in a decent place again (since there’s no guarantee he could go back to same place). He seems happy and content there. Am I just being selfish because I miss him so much? My family is telling me he is doing well because he is getting good care and they remember what I went through before. He had started wandering and was not always sleeping when he was home but he seems to have passed through that stage. Thoughts on this?
My advice? Leave well enough alone. IF he is happy and thriving, then isn't that what you want? Do you really want an incontinent, memory impaired husband living at home again and all the stuff that ineviatbly goes along with that.
He won't get better. You know that. Think back to how it was before you moved him to MC. Was it wonderful and easy on you?
What you are 'missing' is the Dh you married and the youth and vitality that come with being young and leave us waaaay too soon.
For me, just the incontinence would be a deal breaker.
Don't make any hasty decisions. Think back how it was to have him at home and what toll that took on you. If he qualifies for MC, then he must be fairly high need.
Good Luck--this would be a difficult decision for anyone.
Regular schedules are important with dementia, and changes like moving can really cause a step down in functioning, so be aware of that.
I needed to be daughter, not caregiver. It affected me, my husband, my ability to go anywhere, or help with my grandkids.
My advice is to visit often as you can, maybe even get a video chat device so you can chat even on days you can't make it(we use a Facebook portal)
I love my mom, but she is in the best situation for her. In her right mind, she wouldn't have wanted me to go through what I did. Everything thing about this disease is hard. If his needs are being met, keep him where he is. Nothing is perfect, but I'm sure he would not want you to risk your physical or mental health.
He is thriving now because he has a team of caregivers, not one exhausted caregiver. He is in an environment where he receives constant medical supervision and care from trained professionals.
Take him out of the facility on a pass for a lunch date or dinner date several times a week, or plan an activity that you two can enjoy like a walk in the park. However, be prepared that he may become agitated and confused at being out of his environment and routine, and want to go back.
I can imagine that it would be horribly lonely, and that you miss him. Realize that you are doing the right thing by having him there, where he is obviously thriving. Visit him as often as possible, and have dinners and take walks with him there if going out isn't possible, so that you can both still enjoy each other's company.
Leave your husband in the safe place he is now and find ways to bring a little more balance to your own life.
See All Answers