Sorry this turned out so long.
I’m a single 58 y.o. male who moved in with his parents after having been diagnosed with a neurodegenerative disease a few years ago. However, I do pay rent and help them out financially where needed, and I am reasonably ambulatory. He was all in for me moving back at the time.
My dad started changing I’d say about 6 months ago. However, I’m seeing what I’d consider more drastic changes in the past 2 months or so. He’s always been a moody and controlling person but kind of mellowed out for a few years there. Lately, If he’s in a foul mood, he does his best to make everyone around him as miserable as he is. He regularly ignores me or gives me one word answers while deliberately staring at the TV to avoid eye contact. I recently asked him if I was doing something to make him mad. Through gritted teeth he said I should know why he’s mad at me and to figure it out for myself. I told him I can’t read his mind. It came out that he was/is mad because my mom and I have bedrooms, but he sleeps in the living room, which he has done by choice for years with no problems or complaints (he’s probably lonely) He said I should be able to see that I’ll never be able to win against him. Words from a loving father.
His mood swings are also drastic, and can change from moment to moment. I never know what version of him I’m going to have to deal with - lucid but distant, cold, critical, crabby, sarcastic, narcissistic, ignoring, verbally controlling, intentionally intimidating.
Today I came downstairs just to talk to him. I asked if he was watching football games. He said no, ping pong. So I started up a conversation on ping pong and he talked about it a little bit before going back to ignoring me. I saw later that he was indeed watching football, not ping pong, but he lied about watching ping pong just to be a sarcastic smart a** to me. To note, he was not confused about what he was watching.
He just wants everybody to sit in front of the TV while he flips through the channels, not watching anything, or listening endlessly to his recycled stories from the past.
Being around him is not healthy for me. My symptoms start raging when I’m around him from the stress. I thought I had resolved my issues with him in therapy years ago, but I have been feeling like the emotionally abused 10 year old that I used to be. I know that’s my problem. My mom said I’m overreacting. I probably am.
He’s not always toxic but good dad is rapidly disappearing. And as a side note, he’s becoming more forgetful. For the first time, twice this week I’ve found his keys left in the front door keyhole, once overnight. He, of course, was offended and verbally aggressive when I pointed it out to him. My mom is convinced he’s developing dementia.
My big fear is that he will kick me out of the house, or that it’s going to continue to get more unlivable if I stay. I can financially afford to move out. But my mom said she thinks they might have financial problems if they didn’t get my monthly rent. I can’t afford to rent an apartment and pay them rent for a room I’m no longer renting. Plus, I’d feel bad leaving my mom alone with my dad, and to show me that he always wins, my dad would probably see it as unforgivable. I just don’t know because the person I knew is not really there anymore.
My life is turning into hiding out in my bedroom all day long to avoid him.
Any suggestions?
You say you 'can't afford to move out' and mom says 'she thinks they might have financial problems if they didn't get my monthly rent.' Two different issues. One being your mother is playing both sides against the middle here, which is a NO NO. She can't have her cake & eat it too. HER problems should not be made into YOUR problems. As a grown woman and wife, she can sell their house and move if they can't afford to live there w/o YOUR monthly rent check. Come on, get REAL here mom. Let your son OFF that hook please, he has enough troubles of his own to deal with w/o dealing with YOUR passive/aggressive BS on top of it! See THAT for what it is, guilt & FOG tactics at their worst, okay?
Secondly, if you can afford to pay your parents some monthly rent, you can afford to pay some monthly rent ELSEWHERE that is not inside that toxic home you grew up in which brings back memories of an abusive childhood. Your mother telling you you're 'overreacting' is just a tone deaf attempt to keep you right where you are, paying rent to her and ignoring YOUR issues. Nice try mom.
Get out of this house and on with your own life. We all have health issues to deal with in life and don't have to move back into our childhood homes to deal with our PARENT'S BS thrown into the fray as well. Your mom can divorce your dad if she's so unhappy with him. Or, she can take the bull by the horns and get him diagnosed and join a support group, etc., like everyone else does who's in her shoes. #Reality Check.
If your dad finds it 'unforgiveable' that you moved out, so be it. You are right that the person you knew is not really there anymore. Dementia strips a person of who they were entirely and replaces it with an angry, argumentative, bitter person (normally) that's impossible to please & even more impossible to get along with. If he's angry & resentful towards you now, whoa Nellie, he's going to be even MORE angry & resentful towards you as his disease progresses. It's not you, it's his disease destroying his brain. You can't 'fix' this either, by being a 'better son' b/c you haven't done anything wrong to begin with. Just like you didn't do anything wrong as the emotionally abused child you were at 10 years old. We can't move back home & think those old issues will magically resolve, ESPECIALLY when dementia has set in. My mother was emotionally abusive to me as a kid, which amped up 1000-fold when her dementia set in. She said things to me that NO mother should EVER say to her daughter under ANY circumstances once her dementia set in.
Wishing you the best of luck moving OUT and ON with your own life now.
Therefore when someone is watching TV, try to speak to them during a commercial, unless there is an emergency. I know for myself, any time I am watching my favorite murder mystery show, nothing worse then being interrupted during the last 3 minutes of the show when the murderer is named.
As for your Dad saying ping-pong. He was being sarcastic because he knew you probably could tell from glancing at the TV that he was watching football.
When grown children move in with their parents, or parents move in with them, the parent/child dynamic shows up. Once again your parents are the "parents" and you once again are the "child". It happens just about every time. I never lived with my parents when they were aging, but my parents still viewed me as a 20's or 30's year old instead of a senior citizen that I was.
Take Dad to see his primary doctor or even to urgent care. The UTI test is very simple, Dad pees into a cup. Some doctors can review the test while you wait. If the test is positive, then Dad will be given antibiotics.
Also, had Dad been put on any new medicine within the past six months? Medicine can have side effects. Check with Dad's primary doctor.
Sorry to ignore the issue with your Dad, but what about getting your own life back on track?
Living with parents is never easy, right?
Of course, you want the best for your parents. I hope that you realize that you are equally as important as they are.
The most important thing that I saw in your post is that you can afford to live on your own. Move out. You are their son, not their savior, not their tenant to subsidize their income.
What feasible options are there for them to continue to live in their home? Can you think of any?
Please fully admit to yourself that you are miserable living with your parents. Consider going back to therapy to gain a better perspective on this situation. Please don’t go down the ‘It’s not so bad’ route. Yes, it is bad.
If your mom thinks that your dad has dementia, why isn’t she addressing this situation?
Why are you focusing on your dad’s moods instead of looking at the core problems?
Wishing you peace, hopefully in your own place in the upcoming new year.