I am wanting to take my mom out of the nursing home and take care of her myself. I will be retiring in a couple years, so I would have to quit my job. I am trying to find out how I could get paid just enough to pay the basic rent, utilities, etc. Medicaid pays the nursing home $5,000 plus the nursing home takes all but $60 of her SS check. Yet, Medicaid wont pay me even 1/3 of that to take better care of her at home. My mother will be 89 this year and has dementia and I will be 62. I live by myself and don't do a lot of things outside the house. I work in the yard and garden for my free time. I will be collecting SS in about 3 years so I just need the money for a short time, but I so want to bring her home. She has no resources other than her SS. My father was a Veteran, but he passed back in 1998. Mom has lived on her own up till about 4 years ago.
There is much written about this right here on the AC forum.
Look into getting private caregivers at the NH.
About these incidents that you are justifiably upset about:
1) How do you know the staff forced water on your mother while she was lying down? Did you see it? Aspirational pneumonia is unfortunately common in elders with dementia. My husband had aspriational pneumonia twice and he lived at home the whole time. People can even aspirate their own saliva (which is full of germs that don't belong in the lungs!) Be aware that Mom could get aspriational pneumonia again, on your watch.
2) UTIs are common, and you know your mother. By now the nursing home does too.
3) Loss of mobility is quite common in dementia. Nursing Homes generally love to charge for every service they can, including PT. But they must abide by insurance regulations or they won't get paid. What do you intend to do about this at home? If insurance won't pay for PT in the NH they won't pay for it in your home, either.
4) That fall was absolutely dreadful. Nursing homes cannot use restraints on residents. How are you going to prevent Mom from falling at home? My husband fell many, many times at home. And many other caregivers will tell you the same thing. He fell even when I was just a few feet from him.
5) The dirty hand incident is disgusting. But the NH fired the person responsible. What more could you expect them to do?
I'm sure that in some ways you can give Mom better care at home. Certainly her hands will be clean. But she may still aspirate. She may fall. She will still need a wheelchair. You won't be able to provide her live entertainment periodically, and activities in the morning and afternoon, or the opportunity to socialize with others.
Think this through carefully before you take Mom out of the frying pan only to put her into the fire.
Is there a possibility of cutting down your work hours and spending more time with Mom where she is? Your presence would surly mean a lot to her.
As I'm sure you know, dementia progresses, meaning it gets worse. There is no way of knowing how long you would be able to provide the care she needs at home. When my sister retired our mother moved in with her. That lasted 14 months, and Mom spent the last 2+ years of her life in a nursing home, very contented. Most people with dementia reach a point where they need three-shifts of wide-awake care.
You want so to bring her home. That is understandable, and might make you feel really good. But the focus should be on what is best for Mother. Why do you think it would be better for HER to bring her home?