She had knee surgery in July well here it is Dec and she nearly lost her leg to infection and can't walk and 2 more surgeries to go . I'm 55 and bad heart and have 2 grandkids I raise and she came home and expects me to empty her bed pans do everything I'm exhausted and can't do this what do I do ?
Definitely, tell the doctor that she can not come home to you to recover after surgery! She will need to go to a skilled nursing facility for rehab! Make it clear that she has no one to take care of her!
It's nice to help family. Most of us do, when we can. Because we want to.
But, you do NOT need to continue in this role as her sole caregiver.
Depending on your relationship, and how much time you have to devote to helping her solve her issues, you can either back away, stop altogether, and let her find a solution on her own. Or, you could help her to find and hire an aide or several aides to come to the home and provide personal cares. YOU don't pay for this. Mom pays. If she doesn't have the money, she can apply for assistance from Medicaid.
Beside in-home caregivers, her other options are assisted living, or skilled nursing facility.
Tell her that her needs and her requirements are more than you are capable of providing. She needs professional care. You already have other obligations.
She may get angry and try and make you feel guilty. It's just her defense mechanism, because, again, this is the easiest route for her. This is more than you can do, and it's ok to say so!
You tell your Mom her doctor is requiring her to go there -- don't get into the weeds with her arguing about your exhaustion: she obviously doesn't care. Tell her the doc isn't happy with her progress and she has to go. Get her there by medical transport, if necessary.
Then, do not accept her back into your house unless and until she has most or all of her mobility back. If she doesn't reach this milestone then you will need to consider that she cannot come back because her care will again overwhelm you. When she is at the SNF you need to start figuring out where she can go and if she can afford it. Try to get her to assign you as her DPoA so that you can make these decisions for her when the time comes. If not, you won't have control of the situation. Or, she comes home (after SNF) and pays to hire in-home aids to help. There isn't a 3rd option. You can't be her solution.
To whose whom did she come?
If you took her into your own home, then that was a serious mistake. It would be very difficult now to evict her when she is having surgical complications. If she is there and you cannot handle this, then it is time to speak to her doctor and your own doctor about your limitations due to illness, and about next steps to place your mother when care of her is not possible nor sustainable.
I sure wish you luck. If YOU however live with her this becomes much more complicated, and may mean you are on for a move of your own. Hope you'll update us. Not everything has an easy answer, and some things have no answer at all, but it is clear that you need access to all the help you can get now, and so does she; there may need to be a social services consult to access care.
Can you tell us more specifics -- does she live with you in your home, or do you live with her in her home, or do you live separately?
What are her finances?
How soon is the next surgery? At the time, tell her doctor(s) and the hospital social worker / discharge planner that you will not be able to provide any follow-up care so they need to work something else out.
Six months is a very long time! You definitely deserve to protect your own health, both physical and mental, and focus on your other responsibilities. Let us know how things go for you.