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I don’t even want to spend holidays with my “siblings” but want to see my Mom. There are 5 kids. 2of us constantly took care of my dad before he passed. He was in wheelchair so i had to run over many times a day when he had an “urge” to use restroom. My husband is the one who realized Dad needed showers & took it upon himself. On the day Dad passed, 1 sister (who worked in PT & never helped) looked at my husband and said “I would have helped if you all would have called me”. umm he was in a wheelchair/ did he needed help! Anyway Mom fell and broke her femur and of course my good brother and I are the only ones that show up daily, take care of house, groceries, laundry, medicine. When Mom was in rehab she asked me to make sure there was no money in her house because she was worried about them coming in and stealing it. ( it has happened a lot before Dad passed). And of course after Dad passed they all wanted keys to the house. So with that little history of “siblings”- I want to just go away for the holidays as an excuse not to be there with siblings. They’ll show up for free food. They write nasty notes about me & my 1 brother about not doing things they think we should. But Mom has asked me to be with her when the others are there. I feel I should help be there for Mom. But, the idea of being at the same dinner table makes me nauseous. I do anything for my Mom. I mean I already do. What do I do? I don’t want to be there but what if it’s her last holiday? ugh

Don’t go, it’s not important if it’s her last holiday or not! She’s had lots of holidays. You deserve to do what you want because it’s your holiday as much as anyone else’s. Letting people steamroll over you invites them to do it again.

Bow out gracefully and wish them a happy holiday. Then get away from all of them and be glad you’re not as dysfunctional as they are.
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Reply to Fawnby
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You need a break. Plan a holiday away with your husband. You can inform your siblings of this, and also inform them that if they aren't "able" to take full responsibility for her in your absence that you will then hire an agency to provide her assistance and to take her to whosever home is hosting the holiday. Just do it this 1 year and see how it goes.

You aren't responsible for your Mom's happiness. You don't have to care what your siblings think about you or what they say behind your back. If you don't take a break you will burn out. So, if you leave it will accomplish 2 things: you get refreshed and they get a new appreciation for what you do day in and day out.

You don't tell your Mom about your plan until the holiday is almost upon you, lest she fret or spill it to your siblings.

Enjoy your holiday!
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Reply to Geaton777
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I had similar issues . My siblings who did nothing would come and my mother expected me to play host , Was so burned out I did go away the holidays one time . Mom wasn’t happy about it . Oh well . I was there all the rest of the time .

My wise husband told me that I am “ Off duty when the siblings come and they can bring Mom food for the day .”

From then on whenever my siblings came to visit I did not attend. Then siblings stopped coming on holidays , they came other random times . Mom would tell me when they were coming and I stayed home or did whatever I wanted to do that day .

Have a separate quiet holiday dinner with Mom before the holiday before siblings come , then go away on a trip , or just stay home you need it . Tell Mom you need a break.

A couple of times my one sibling came to my door to drop by . I started not answering the door . Pretended no one was home . So my sister in law texted , asking if we were angry with her and my brother . I texted back “ No , but my husband said I need a day off when my mother’s other kids visit “.
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Reply to waytomisery
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Go see your mom right before and then you take a vacation.
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Reply to Bulldog54321
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If it is her last holiday, so what. You see her everyday.

You need a break.
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Reply to brandee
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Your siblings are welcome to help with caring for your mother, but they are not obligated to do so. Instead of expecting them to step in, you can ask them to do specific tasks. They may refuse. That is their choice and you can not control their actions. You can only control yours. If it makes you feel good to continue doing things for your mom, then continue what you are doing. Recognize it is your choice, and let go of any resentment toward your siblings for their different choices. Everyone will not see things the same way.

If your mother truly feels uncomfortable alone with them, and worries about them taking from her, you should be there with her. She has asked you, and from your response, it sounds as if you will regret it if you don't go.
Yours wouldn't be the first uncomfortable family holiday gathering. In fact, it is common for people to dread seeing certain family members around the same table. Do your best to hold your tongue, keep your thoughts to yourself, have some wine, and be there for your mother.
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Reply to CaringWifeAZ
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Caregiveronce Oct 20, 2025
Completely agree. It is our own responsibility to arrange our eldercare. Blaming a sibling because Mom made no plans is ridiculous. The person at fault isn't your sibling. There's nothing wrong with asking for specific help like you suggested but most families are busy nowadays. So don't get offended when a sibling refuses. In a perfect world, everyone lives nearby and has a lot of spare time to help.
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It's OK to not go be with siblings that write you nasty notes. It's your Christmas, too. I would also look into POA now before your mom gets to where she can't sign that over to you.
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Reply to JustAnon
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Just do what you want to do. If you don’t want to celebrate Christmas with family, then don’t.

I stopped years ago because none of us siblings really liked each other and it was stupid to pretend otherwise just to make my parents happy.
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Reply to Hothouseflower
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Some of the answers you have here are great. Love the restaurant idea.
But it also sounds like mom is going to need more and more help.
It might be time to look into trying to get her to transition to Assisted Living.
That way she will have staff to help and you can be a daughter again not a caregiver. Holidays can be at mom's where a meal will be prepared and siblings can come and go as they wish.
Selling mom's house to pay for the AL will also take a lot of the burden of caring for a house, paying for repairs and all the bills that go with homeownership
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Reply to Grandma1954
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Gramma1 Oct 23, 2025
I am a gramma (age 88) and I don't want to be in assisted living or a nursing home. I just wish my local son would spend more time with my needs; my grandson is a prince!
My out-of-town son doesn't even call, and I have one brother who also is missing. Make the best of it!!
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I'm facing the same situation. No matter how my siblings frustrate me over never helping, I will live with NO regrets. I will spend as many holidays as my 91 year old parents have left in life with them, and keep a smile on my face, for them.
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Reply to Mignonne57
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