
I don’t even want to spend holidays with my “siblings” but want to see my Mom. There are 5 kids. 2of us constantly took care of my dad before he passed. He was in wheelchair so i had to run over many times a day when he had an “urge” to use restroom. My husband is the one who realized Dad needed showers & took it upon himself. On the day Dad passed, 1 sister (who worked in PT & never helped) looked at my husband and said “I would have helped if you all would have called me”. umm he was in a wheelchair/ did he needed help! Anyway Mom fell and broke her femur and of course my good brother and I are the only ones that show up daily, take care of house, groceries, laundry, medicine. When Mom was in rehab she asked me to make sure there was no money in her house because she was worried about them coming in and stealing it. ( it has happened a lot before Dad passed). And of course after Dad passed they all wanted keys to the house. So with that little history of “siblings”- I want to just go away for the holidays as an excuse not to be there with siblings. They’ll show up for free food. They write nasty notes about me & my 1 brother about not doing things they think we should. But Mom has asked me to be with her when the others are there. I feel I should help be there for Mom. But, the idea of being at the same dinner table makes me nauseous. I do anything for my Mom. I mean I already do. What do I do? I don’t want to be there but what if it’s her last holiday? ugh
Bow out gracefully and wish them a happy holiday. Then get away from all of them and be glad you’re not as dysfunctional as they are.
You aren't responsible for your Mom's happiness. You don't have to care what your siblings think about you or what they say behind your back. If you don't take a break you will burn out. So, if you leave it will accomplish 2 things: you get refreshed and they get a new appreciation for what you do day in and day out.
You don't tell your Mom about your plan until the holiday is almost upon you, lest she fret or spill it to your siblings.
Enjoy your holiday!
My wise husband told me that I am “ Off duty when the siblings come and they can bring Mom food for the day .”
From then on whenever my siblings came to visit I did not attend. Then siblings stopped coming on holidays , they came other random times . Mom would tell me when they were coming and I stayed home or did whatever I wanted to do that day .
Have a separate quiet holiday dinner with Mom before the holiday before siblings come , then go away on a trip , or just stay home you need it . Tell Mom you need a break.
A couple of times my one sibling came to my door to drop by . I started not answering the door . Pretended no one was home . So my sister in law texted , asking if we were angry with her and my brother . I texted back “ No , but my husband said I need a day off when my mother’s other kids visit “.
You need a break.
If your mother truly feels uncomfortable alone with them, and worries about them taking from her, you should be there with her. She has asked you, and from your response, it sounds as if you will regret it if you don't go.
Yours wouldn't be the first uncomfortable family holiday gathering. In fact, it is common for people to dread seeing certain family members around the same table. Do your best to hold your tongue, keep your thoughts to yourself, have some wine, and be there for your mother.
I stopped years ago because none of us siblings really liked each other and it was stupid to pretend otherwise just to make my parents happy.
But it also sounds like mom is going to need more and more help.
It might be time to look into trying to get her to transition to Assisted Living.
That way she will have staff to help and you can be a daughter again not a caregiver. Holidays can be at mom's where a meal will be prepared and siblings can come and go as they wish.
Selling mom's house to pay for the AL will also take a lot of the burden of caring for a house, paying for repairs and all the bills that go with homeownership
My out-of-town son doesn't even call, and I have one brother who also is missing. Make the best of it!!
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