My 88-year-old father gets upset almost daily. He wants me to take him to see his wife (my mother). My mother is his main caretaker and they've been married 64 years. It makes her so sad that he thinks she's abandoned him, even though she's there 24/7. I want to help both of them. What can I do?
“Mary is at the store dad, she’ll be home soon, let’s match these socks”.
Watch Teepa Snow on YouTube. Watch how she uses diversion. Meanwhile his wife is at work, at a PTA meeting, helping a neighbor, visiting her mother, whatever he will buy.
“Mary is spending the night with her sister, look she left your favorite pie for you”.
You can do this while you visit and maybe write some answers out for your mom to read to him when he’s agitated. The primary thing to remember is he won’t be convinced so just follow his lead.
I am very sorry for you and your mom. I know it’s hard. Watch your mom carefully as she is vulnerable with so much stress. Talk to her about respite for dad so she can get some rest.
I would go shopping with my Husband and he would begin to follow people thinking they were me. I often joked that I knew where he was in his brain by who he was following that day. A younger woman with long hair..me in my 20's-30's then slightly older, shorter hair and heavier...me in my 40's then grayer hair and shorter me in my 50's and if he started following gray haired old men I would know my hair was cut shorter than it should have been ;)
Kidding aside I would ask where are you going and he would say I'm looking for my wife and I would say..well I will walk with you until we find her...I would walk with him towards the exit and he would go up to the car ( I would open it with the remote) and he would leave his walker by the back door and get into the car...easy. When it became more difficult for him to get into the car I would help him then I would get in and he would look at me and smile...
It did cut some shopping trips short but that's the way some days went.
I look back and I miss those days....
You gals know the reality and as long as he is safe and well cared for, which I'm sure he is, then you should feel proud and happy.
Others have suggested how to distract him, etc. He can't help and would never do something like this on purpose.
When my Dad was nearing the end of his life he got confused. Dementia? He had lots of heart problems. My daughter, RN, would go over every night to get him ready for bed. One night he fought her. She said "PopPop its me R" shecwas about 28then. He said "Your not R, she is a little girl". The Thanksgiving he died, he called her over to his bed and motioned like he was handing her something. She took it even though nothing was there. He said "this is for you". We believe he handed her a dollar like he always gave her when she was little.
I agree, you need to change your expectations. He may not bevin the time you are. There came a time when my Mom never mentioned my Dad. Then out of the clear blue, she said "W would not have liked that" She thought me and my Youngest brother were making her think she was crazy. What happened to the two between us. Go with the flow. Never argue just agree.
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He would recognize my voice on the phone but in person insisted I was not his wife. It is the saddest thing ever!!!!!! Arguing will not help for a time there would be windows of time when he would recognize me but they were fleeting. He would even telephone family and friends to find out if I was with them
Good luck 🙏🏻
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