For background: I'm an only child dealing with a 77 y.o. mother who has mid-late stage diagnosed dementia. I've had to turn her into the DMV, so she no longer drives. I've been bringing her groceries weekly as well as filling her weekly pillboxes. She's fully dependent on me to call her daily to remind her to take meds and eat. I walk her through how to make simple food in the microwave. I had to take her modem and unplug her stove on Christmas eve (she's burnt SO many pans). When we arrived she told me that she was on the computer talking to someone who passed away years ago. She has yet to mention either of these changes, ironically.
Utimately though, my question is HOW can I move her into a memory care facility? I have a care coordinator helping me locate a good location for her (safe, good staff to patient ratios, etc) and I'm in the process of selecting and touring facilites. But she is fully unwilling to move. I've tried reasoning with her and explaining that I feel I can't even go away for the weekend in case something happens to her (she's locked herself out MANY times), walked to McDonald's in the dark, etc. She has no concept of any of the things that I do for her and I'm reaching maximum caregiver burnout.
She has a follow up appointment with neurology in February. Is there any way that they can help force her to move? I know if she ends up in the ER they often will not release a patient with dementia back to live alone at home. But do I need to wait for her to hurt herself in order for this to happen? She has the financial means to move, she just doesn't want to. And there is NO way I would have her move in with me. I know that may sound mean, but I need to have my own life that is not inclusive of being a full time caregiver. Any advice is welcome as she really shouldn't be living alone, but short of tricking her in some way, I can't think of a way to get her out of her house.
Pharmacies can provide pre-sorted blister packs.
There are all sorts of ways to set up medication prompts.
Your being on hand holding your breath and standing by hasn't prevented her from locking herself out and walking to McDonalds in the dark - you might just as well have gone away for the weekend, no?
The thing is. There is more than one thing here.
1. You burning out. If you break down what you do into tasks, routines, services, you'll find that most of it can be done by somebody else or in some other way. There will be many solutions to help you step back and do less, if that will help. But from your description I don't think it's the workload so much as the stress and anxiety and constant heart in your mouth anticipation of disaster that's getting to you?
2. Sustainability. At the moment your mother can live at home because you are propping her up there. If you step away wham! - just like that - she will fall flat on her face. She won't be able to prepare meals, she may start forgetting to eat and drink altogether even assuming food is delivered, she'll regularly lock herself out, she won't take her medications or (God forbid) she may repeatedly take her medications. Of course you aren't even thinking of doing so, but that's what would happen. But there are other props, or rather sources of appropriate support, which could make her staying at home a reasonable option for the time being; only of course you won't feel relieved of responsibility until she is somebody *else's* responsibility, i.e. she is in full residential care. Tricky. The thing here is that "primary caregiver daughter can't take the worry any longer" carries no weight in the "does this lady need to be in residential care?" calculation. Provided there is adequate support in place, your constant worry about her is your problem, it isn't your mother's problem. This matters because even if the neurologist does hand you an official "Totally Away With The Fairies" certificate that won't in itself enable you to carry your mother bodily out of her house.
Your care co-ordinator - have you briefed her only to look for facilities, or is she offering a wider range of ideas than that?
It is a sensible assumption that your mother will eventually need residential care. It is therefore also sensible to look for it now, because the better shape a person is in to start with (generally speaking) the better the experience is likely to be overall. However. That doesn't mean that nothing can be improved while you wait, and accepting that here-and-now your mother wants to live at home - mentally getting on board with that - will free you to think of other ways to take the pressure off yourself.
I think my mom would also feel the same and would enjoy a new place and being around people and having activities available. She's just very stubborn, in denial regarding what is going on with her, and doesn't like change.
I did just recently get ahold of an eldercare atty and my mom signed the POA. I am legally able to make financial decisions for her, but I'm pretty I don't have full say over her healthcare.
I located a Dr a few years ago for her and I've been taking her to all her appointments as well as a recent neurology appt so that we could get a true dementia diagnosis. None of this information lasts long in her brain though and then she's back into denial mode (this could also just be a feature of the dementia). Both doctors have told her that they think she's unsafe living at home and that she either needs in home care or to move, but she doesn't listen.
My new plan is to start taking tours so I can locate a place for her to land (whenever that is). She has a follow up appt with neurology where I'm sure they will tell her again that it's unsafe for her to live alone. I'm going to really double down at that appointment and also let her know that I think it's unsafe for her to be at home. At that point I'm going to try to time it so that she could quickly transition to this new place and just keep reiterating what the doctor's have told her. I may need to fib a bit and let her know it's just a trial run to see if she likes it, so she feels like she has some agency. Once she's there for a bit I think she'd likely forget how she got there and start making friends and feeling more content.
Which then, brings you to how to get her moved. If she isn't willing to be moved, which I am guessing she isn't since this is what I had to deal with my own mother, you have two choices - leave her where she is, where her abilities are compromised and she could be a danger to herself and others, or get her moved. But it isn't going to be pleasant or easy.
You could contact her doctor and speak to them about enlisting their help (they could contact social services/adult protective services). Or you could. Because then the only other way is yes, you would have to wait for her to cause harm to herself and end up in the ER where they won't let her go back to living alone. This as what happened to my 95 yo mother who refused, continually refused to even consider moving the AL. Even though I showed up weekly with groceries, laid out her meds in the pill boxes, picked up her rx, took her to doc appts, etc...she got to the point where she wasn't eating right (cookies, candy and ice cream), not sleeping because her dementia was causing her to hallucinate (and yes, the local police were summoned on several occasions because of 'someone out there trying to break in'--- not), etc. I couldn't be with her 24/7 and would get phone calls at all hours of day and night (she even had 4 news anchors from CNN in her living room one night having a discussion about world affairs .....yuup, sure they were..sigh).
Things finally changed when she fell trying to get out of her recliner and fell, breaking her femur by the hip...off to ER and no more going home- ever. But the fall resulted in her passing 8 weeks later. But she admitted that she shouldn't have been so stubborn and 'should' have moved to AL a 'few years' earlier to that 'nice place' we toured and had lunch at. Too late.
I tried. I tried oh so hard and for oh so long. But I couldn't never change her or how she was or thought. I 'should' have just forced the move and then dealt with her anger but at least she would have been in a safer environment. Hindsight.