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My mom has lived with me for 2 years. It's been steadily worse. I just realized she is a narcissist last year. My sister was one too, I knew for a long time I was the scapegoat. Mom attacks me verbally about every couple weeks, accusing me of calling her names (total lie). She claims she heard me talking to my husband (lies), name calling, insulting, belittling, saying I'm abusive and attack her, all lies. She shouts, denies everything, interrupts, comes in my face, I feel terrorized like when I was a kid! She has the run of the house. I can no longer feel love for her I've been hurt so much. I spend all my time in the small bedroom except to cook for her. She has the master, my husband sleeps on the couch. I can't tell her to leave because she paid most of the home (trailer). We couldn't afford it but she wanted to live with us (before we each had apts). Help, I won't last how it is.

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Welcome to the forum Nightwind, and so sorry to hear about all of your troubles.

My advice is this: sell the trailer, give mom back the $$ she invested in it, and get her OUT of your immediate square footage. You & your husband are entitled to live in your own master bedroom and not be hiding out to avoid a tyrannical mother! Find alternate housing for yourselves AND for mother, who can live in senior housing of some kind, depending on whether she needs assistance or not.

You tried living together, it didn't work out, cut your losses and move on now.

Best of luck!
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Nightwind, I second lealonnie. This was not a good idea to comingle assets but as it is you still do have legal and morally ethical options.

You didn't mention dementia, so presumably mom is in her right mind legally but has taken it upon herself to become a tyrant and an abuser.

I would for decorum's sake give her one last chance. She is to move into the smaller room as you two are two people. She is to stop immediately with the yelling and abuse allegations. If she does not, then you will leave and no you won't be back to "check on her" or take her out or anything like that. If she can't or won't do that, then you leave.
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You may have to try to seek better employment in order to get out of there. Some will tell you that, as it’s your mother, you have to care for her, if she needs that, and tolerate however she treats you. That is not the advice of the psychological experts though. Your life should not be diminished or worth less, because you haven’t a narcissistic parent. Think years ahead and consider your future.

My narcissistic mother recently passed but, I’d not lived with her for decades. I warned her that, if her behavior kept up, she’d be down to one daughter (my sister) and I followed through on that promise.

It is rare for a narcissist to accept professional help. I “think”, typically by how law handles any of their misdeeds, if necessary, they are considered responsible for their behavior. This is something you should consider, on a personal level also.

If she is on the verge of dementia, it’s important to get her assessed, but yes, I understand how difficult that can be, if she is still cognizant enough to say no, all the while mistreating you. Still, as is said, you owe nothing to anyone who doesn’t appreciate you. Accepting abuse for the fact that she gave birth to you, changed your diapers, fed and clothes you is a no no. If she gave birth to you, those were her basic, accepted duties. Don’t let anyone tell you any different.
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A little more info needed. I was floored to learn your husband sleeps on the couch and you hide in the bedroom. I know my words seem harsh but you need to GROW UP.
Stop being a doormat and stand up for yourself and your husband. This is the first thing you MUST do - take your power back! Tell her you will not be putting up with her abuse from now on - and prove it! If the trailer is in your name, you call the shots here, regardless of how much Mom has contributed. You can sell it, rent it out, or move Mom out of the master (biggest mistake you made in the first place) and into the smaller bedroom so you can be with your husband as it should be! Even if your name wasn't on the deed, what is your mother going to do if you and husband stand up to her? The answer is NOTHING - she is all talk and used to bullying because it keeps her in control. Stop this destructive cycle.
Take a united stand with your husband, make a plan with him for what you both feel are fair and reasonable changes at home, put that plan into action and don't back down. Hiding in your bedroom is not an option. I feel sure you and hubby will feel a weight lifted once you empower yourselves. You can do it!
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Practise saying: ‘don’t you ever speak to me that way again. I don’t have to put up with it and it’s NOT ok.’ Practise saying it beforehand, so you’re ready the next time she hijacks you with her abuse. Let her know very clearly that when she behaves like that you will not stay in the space and LEAVE - go somewhere for a walk, practise self care and don’t feel guilty - they are master manipulators at getting you to feel bad for reacting in normally to their abuse - gaslighting you, etc. When you leave the space this shows her you mean what you say and you’re willing to back it up with action. It gives her a choice to modify her behaviour. With a narcissist, she may not ever stop, in which case you may need to put yours and your husband’s welfare first and get OUT!
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You're not going to like what i have to say... why are you CHOOSING to let mommy run the house? She's delusional and demented if what you are saying is true. If she owns the place, pack up and move! It's not rocket science. Do you and your husband work, or are you using her for a roof over your head? If the latter is the case, get off your butts and get jobs. Especially your husband! To let a frail old woman control you it's sick andscreams to me that you need to grow a backbone and get her into memory care or move out get some peace. What are you thinking letting her put you in this situation?
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If your mother is mentally competent, then you really need to find another living solution.

If this is a new behavior for her, then get her to a medical doctor. In the case of new terrible behavior, she could have an infection, low oxygenation, blood chemistry imbalance, a stroke,,,, all which can be treated medically. If she is not mentally competent - dementia, stroke, mental illness - get her treated by her doctor or take her to the ER. If the doctor says this behavior will most likely be permanent, consider having her placed into residential care. You may have to sell "her place" to help pay for her care.
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Bewiltered Mar 2022
Easy to say "get them to a doctor" My 93yr old mom in law (AKA narcissist, controling, manipulator) has recently refused to go to doc. She has even changed doctors when she does not hear what she wants. (Like the "stop driving" issue that kept getting kicked down the hall) HOW do you get them treatment when they "are in charge" ???????????? This woman is currently changing her POA and will to spite those who have cared for her, to give all to a niece that lives 800 miles away. Lot of help that person will be !
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Start looking for a small apartment. Perhaps Social Services can help you with that. Also ask a social worker for recommendations for you mom. Find some legal services to help you figure this out.

As a compassionate person it would hurt to "leave" even a savage and helpless 91 year old dog but you must.

Researching the net I found that only a mental health professional can determine if someone has symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

I also researched what exactly are the symptoms of narcissism -
"People with NPD often fail to understand other people's needs and values. They are hyper focused on their egos, but do not account for how their actions affect others".
There was lots more information. Very eye opening for me, but I can tell you that from that definition it would almost describe my husband who has Alzheimer's disease.
Looking back, one of the earliest indicating behaviors that my formally considerate husband had Alzheimer's disease was that he could no longer connect with the needs of others. For example, an older lady was stepping out of our car onto an icy parking lot. I had to instruct him to both open her door, something he always use to do, and to extend his hand to help steady her. On two other occasions I was standing right next to him on icy concrete, I took a step, and he just watch me hit the ground. He calmly stayed immobile. He didn't help me get up either. Like a dart I've caught him when he lost his balance. Dementia prevents logical thought. Very basic infantile self preservation is what they are reduced to. It is not on purpose.

Staying in a small room? Kiddo, it sounds to me like you are afraid of more than your mother. Get the h-ll out. Get healthy. Walk. Think. Action.
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Abby2018 Mar 2022
Great response....but might I add....RUN, don't walk. The sooner you distance yourself, the better off you'll be.
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Perhaps Just leave and find a apartment and check in On her . That is no way To live. Then go by a tiny House some where .
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She paid most of the home? Do you or your husband work? Then, you leave. Let her live there by herself, and if she has dementia, find a way to pay someone to come and check on her. Where is your sister? Why can't she take her?

I like what this poster said:
My narcissistic mother recently passed but, I’d not lived with her for decades. I warned her that, if her behavior kept up, she’d be down to one daughter (my sister) and I followed through on that promise.

My narcissistic step mother paid a lot so that she could control people. Turned out, she was paying with my Father's money that she was no longer even married to! We got POA for him, and got her off so she could no longer take his money without his knowing. It's about control for them. Get better employment, move out and tell her she can have the trailer. Seriously. It's hard, but do able.
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