My mother has always been extremely selfish and difficult (most likely a narcissist). She had a very serious fall a year ago, resulting in multiple broken bones and is now unable to walk on her own. Because of that, she could not return to independent living. We found a lovely assisted living facility and she very reluctantly agreed to sell her house to move there. (Around the clock in-home care was even more expensive than this facility, which is one of the best in the area.)
Because the assisted living is a studio with no kitchen, she could only take so many belongings. She wrote a list of what she wanted, we packed it up and painstakingly went over all of this with her. With her permission, family members took a very few items and the rest was donated.
Now she regularly berates me and my sister for giving her remaining belongings away. Despite the fact that she doesn't have a kitchen, she yells about not having her electric frying pan. She is especially focused on her crystal glassware and China dinnerware that she literally hasn't used since 1985. My sister and I finally boxed up her China dinnerware and brought it to her room storing it in a corner. This satisfied her for about 10 minutes and she was back to yelling about her glassware which my sister has in boxes. My mom will never use the glasses and has zero remaining space in her assisted living apartment.
What is going on here? She spends all of her time running through the inventory of her belongings in her mind...items she cannot use or store anymore. Naturally there was no 'thank you' for all of the work of going through her belongs (which she refused to do during the past decade), and readying her house for sale.
I understand moving to assisted living is a difficult transition, but I am tired of being berated. My sister and I do an incredible amount for her and treat her with respect despite how awful she is and has always been. She does have some minor dementia now, but she's always been like this and it's frankly exhausting. I am now limiting my visits to once a week but I dread even going to see her that often.
Has anyone had an elderly parent who acts like this? If so, what did you do?
There isn't much you can do about the NPD since this is her default personality trait(s). When the accusations and other behaviors start, leave. No word or anything is needed. You don't have to put up with disrespect.
I'm hot-headed by nature; so, I have no problem disengaging from people who are pains in the derriere. Usually, I will leave in silence because I know if I didn't, it would be hell to pay.
I had a father who was awful. Towards the end of his life, I was doing good to visit him every six months or twice a year. I lived ten minutes from the family home. So, leave it to his wife and him, I was a spoiled brat who he sacrificed for and was thankless for what he provided. I was like; whatever. But isn't that the character of a narcissist re-writing the narrative of the truth? You end up doing all the work while they enjoy the ride.
Shut down the conversation and exit. You’re dedicating to much energy to this nonsense.
Always a difficult person turns into an impossibly difficult person to deal with once dementia sets in.
One year I set my parents AL apartment up with Christmas decorations like I'd been doing the previous years in IL. The day after Christmas, mom called me several times to find out when I'd be coming by to remove said Christmas decorations. I told her I didn't know, that my stepdaughter was coming to visit and I'd be busy. But not to worry, I wouldn't forget. She proceeded to hound me several times a day and I proceeded to assure her I'd remove the damned decorations, what was the big deal??? With these women though, everything is a Big Deal. A day later I took my stepdaughter by to visit my folks and spend some time. The FIRST thing out of my mother's mouth was, "When are you going to get rid of these Christmas decorations?" I think I had a TIA right then, I was seeing bright lights in my field of vision. I yelled very loudly RIGHT NOW MA. And my SD and I proceeded to grab every single Christmas item out of that apartment and load it into my car, Willy nilly, so not one remnant of festivity remained in her tidy little world. I slammed the door on our way out as a few more blood vessels burst in my forehead.
Later that evening, my father called. He wanted to know why I was so aggravated all the time with my mother? That she was feeling very hurt over my behavior that day. I asked dad if he was kidding or what?
Set down firm boundaries and don't flinch. Stick to your guns 100% of the time. Because mom will look for you to crack just a bit so she can start in with the antagonizing again. Then tell you how hurt she is over your attitude. Been there done that. Learn from my mistakes.
The belongings , my mother drove me crazy. She even called 911 over it , while in assisted living .
Tell Mom she has what she needs and are not discussing it any longer . If she still doesn’t stop , you leave . Say “ gotta go now “ , and leave .
When my dad brought up his missing DVDs or books I firmly reminded him that we had to downsize him. Now he lives in a safe place instead of alone in an apartment. Now he is surrounded by people who can help him with anything he can no longer do. He doesn’t have to cook or heat up frozen dinners, drive, shop, etc etc etc. And gradually I have exchanged what he doesn’t have with what he does have. It has take a year but his new positive outlook is so upbeat!
1) Get a line ready for ‘beratings’ – eg “You didn’t make these choices yourself. Now we can only try.” Repeat, repeat.
2) Ask if she enjoys the visits. Does she want you to enjoy the visits? Tell her that if both of you don’t enjoy the visits, it’s better if you don’t visit. If she wants them, she needs to make sure they are enjoyable for you. “even if you are faking it, I won’t come if they clearly aren’t enjoyable for either of us”.
3) Work out the lines to repeat. For example “are you enjoying this visit, yes or no”. If you don’t get a ‘yes’ straight away, say ‘OK I’m going’ and walk out.
Don’t be afraid of walking out, and be prepared to do it several times before it sinks in to her that you won’t accept being treated badly.
Sadly, this cycle will repeat over and over until something changes. The saying is "nothing changes, until something changes."
Explaining over and over to her, expecting her to understand and accept is where you/your sister are stuck. That is you are stuck in rational/logical thinking. And likely stuck hoping she'll appreciate your efforts; that is stuck wanting her approval.
Then her obsessing for the "missing things." Her berating you and your sister for giving the things away when she lacks the room nor will ever use the items is where she is stuck. She is stuck in the emotional response of losing independence; and that seems to show up in her fixation of "lost things." She is angry (probably scared and sad too) and the only way she can deal with her grief over this is to berate you and your sister as you two are "safe" -- we lash out at the one's we feel closest or safe with. But again, she is stuck in the emotional loop of grief and loss.
She is not going to change, or get a grip on her maladaptive way of dealing with this situation OR her emotions. Add NDP in this -- perhaps dementia or cognitive impairment; then there is zero chance of explaining, reasoning, hoping for her to accept or change. It will NOT happen.
So the only thing you and your sister can to "exit this loop," is to make your own changes. Stop trying to explain is a first step. Instead, perhaps try acknowledging her loss/grief, "Mom it is so sad these things are gone, I know how much you miss your X (frying pan, china, etc.), this is hard." If she asks where did they go, just say the items are now gone and try to change the subject. Have photos on your smart phone of something fun, interesting, family members: "hey look at X's new puppy...."
If she starts on the berating: before she gets a second word out, hold up your hand like a stop sign, say "stop" in an assertive voice, NOT angry. Say something like, "I know this is hard for you but I am NOT here to serve as your punching bag. You can speak with your health care team or psychologists if one is on staff to help you. If you continue to "yell at me," "say disrespectful things to me," "blame me for this situation," (whatever); then I will leave, hang up the phone if this is on a call. BE READY TO do that. Just say, I will see you next week/or call you next week, when you are in a better mood. Leave/hang up and DO NOT TAKE any calls from her. If there is a real emergency the facility will call you.
Repeat this, but the next time say: "I will see you in two weeks" when you are feeling better; that is make the time away or time between calls longer. Keep extending the time. This is your boundary. You do NOT need to "just take it."
She can choose to berate as much as she wants, and YOU CAN CHOOSE to NOT TAKE it. Get comfortable with the separation. Unhappy, unpleasant people remain as such and generally get worse as the age. If you have to block their phone number, do it. Listen to messages when YOU CHOOSE. Go no contact for a while if you need to protect yourself and heal from this. Also, getting with a good therapist to work through/process this can be very helpful.
She is never going to appreciate what you have done, so instead you and your sister celebrate and appreciate each other. Tell each other you both a "good daughters" and she is in a safe place that can care for her. Then go live your own life.
Good luck with this.
She has things in her attic that maybe at 30 I would of wanted, that she holds onto as a , a carrot, someday if you play your cards right this will be yours. 😆
That ship sailed, I have my own stuff, to much stuff.
Your right in limiting your visit, and you are not alone.
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