How can we deal with our mom who is irrational about her belongings after moving to assisted living?

I'm writing this as much to myself as I am to you, dear Depleted One. No matter what you and your sister do, your mother will never be the mother you want and deserve. She is what she is. Aging doesn't make a mean person nicer or more saintly; they are now just much more experienced at being mean with extra ammunition from chronic pain. She won't give you her approval because she likely really doesn't approve of herself. Make sure she is well cared for and let go. Be the best you you can be to yourself and, if you have children, those children as well. Stop the cycle.

You can't make her happy or content. It's not because you or your sister are insufficient or bad. The fault is hers and it always has been. I hope you, your sister, and your mom find as much peace as you individually can.

Dementia? Send your momma to memory care! Don’t let her upset you as this is not your fault.

Depleted1: Due to dementia, rational thinking is gone.

I have an elderly parent who behaves like this and have cared for hundreds and hundreds of other people's elderly parents who were exactly like this over 25 years as a professional caregiver.

Stop treating her with so much respect. If she does not behave with any respect towards you and your sister, don't treat her with any. Also, stop humoring her and catering to her asinine demands that her things be brought back and crammed into her studio apartment. The AL is not going to appreciate having one of their apartments hoarded up with stuff because it poses a safety risk to the resident which they are responsible for.

When your mother starts up with the berating you get up and leave if you're visiting in person. If she attempts it on the phone. hang up on her. She is fixating on the electric frying pan or some other irrelevant object that is of no use to her because she wants to lash-out and fight about something. Start ignoring her a bit. Start screening your calls and let them go to voicemail. Only call he rback when and if you want to.

Both you and your sister should stop jumping through hoops to please your ingrate mother and ignore her for a bit. Let her get a taste of what life is like when you and your sibling aren't around all the time. She sounds like a person who was catered to a lot in her life. Now it's time for her to adapt to not being catered to.

When we cleaned out my grandmother's storage room after she died, we found boxes of stuff that made no sense at all. We found a moving box full of the plastic balls from old rollon bottles. She had to have cut each one out of the bottle, wash them up and save them for some unknown purpose. We weren't allowed in the storage room while she was alive. It likely took her years to save all of them.

She might be yelling about the frying pan because she wants a snack like a grilled cheese or fried egg. If she's hungry between meals she might "think" that she could plug that in and make something on the sly. My grandmother used to use an Iron to make fried eggs.

The dishes more than likely remind her of special meals and holidays from the past.

The crystal glass wear is worth "money" to her so she might be worried it will go missing along with the money she could get for it.

Make a list of everything she has at her unit and label and mark the boxes so she can clearly see it. Make several copies of the list so she can "check" the list off instead of going over it and over it in her brain.

These aren't things to her, they are memory triggers or worth something to her in her brain.

We never figured out why my grandmother had all the plastic balls.

I think the care place needs to get involved and advise her she can’t have anymore of her belongings there - no space and her family will look after rest
youre on a loosing battle otherwise
you could tell her it’s in storage until she moves to a larger place !!
and that’s not happening
so you can’t retrieve it
change subject
if it continues advise you’ve already told her and need to leave now and go
—
worth speaking to care people and also to assess what behaviour is medical and what what isnt

Maybe it’s dementia and she needs a low dose of anti depressants to calm her mind down . Peolle hoard for comfort ?
maybe she’s just adjusting to things

My brother and I have the same exact story as yours. Our mom was just moved to assisted living. She complains incessantly about everything. When my mom starts complaining or accusing us of stealing her things, we turn around and walk out. After years of caring for her (we also do a tremendous amount for her) this saves our sanity. It’s tough, but you also have to take care of you.

Talk with her doctor about medications for anxiety and/or depression. If that doesn't help, and it really is just her personality, continue to limit the visits to weekly, or less, and keep them short. You have lots of good advice here from others about how to handle those. (I understand when people say, this has always been someone's personality -- but sometimes that lifetime personality could have been helped with medication, but the person refused to get treatment.)

And if she does call 911 from the facility, let them handle it. They can work with the dispatchers to flag repeated calls from people with dementia.

My father was the same way when we moved him into a studio apartment at an AL facility. I got calls and letters (I live out of state.) repeatedly about where his stuff i”was and how disappointed he was every time he opened the few boxes we managed to fit in his new place. For a year I dreaded seeing his calls and letters but suddenly it has stopped. Now I finally get thanks and tears for how well I’ve looked after his needs. I believe it all has to do with the other residents there he is friends with. I think they tell him he is fortunate to have my help. He has dementia but has always been wierd so honestly, none of us noticed until we got called by APS. He has a lot of long term memory, no short term and absolutely no judgement.

When my dad brought up his missing DVDs or books I firmly reminded him that we had to downsize him. Now he lives in a safe place instead of alone in an apartment. Now he is surrounded by people who can help him with anything he can no longer do. He doesn’t have to cook or heat up frozen dinners, drive, shop, etc etc etc. And gradually I have exchanged what he doesn’t have with what he does have. It has take a year but his new positive outlook is so upbeat!

Sorry you are dealing with this, it is so very hard.

Sadly, this cycle will repeat over and over until something changes. The saying is "nothing changes, until something changes."

Explaining over and over to her, expecting her to understand and accept is where you/your sister are stuck. That is you are stuck in rational/logical thinking. And likely stuck hoping she'll appreciate your efforts; that is stuck wanting her approval.

Then her obsessing for the "missing things." Her berating you and your sister for giving the things away when she lacks the room nor will ever use the items is where she is stuck. She is stuck in the emotional response of losing independence; and that seems to show up in her fixation of "lost things." She is angry (probably scared and sad too) and the only way she can deal with her grief over this is to berate you and your sister as you two are "safe" -- we lash out at the one's we feel closest or safe with. But again, she is stuck in the emotional loop of grief and loss.

She is not going to change, or get a grip on her maladaptive way of dealing with this situation OR her emotions. Add NDP in this -- perhaps dementia or cognitive impairment; then there is zero chance of explaining, reasoning, hoping for her to accept or change. It will NOT happen.

So the only thing you and your sister can to "exit this loop," is to make your own changes. Stop trying to explain is a first step. Instead, perhaps try acknowledging her loss/grief, "Mom it is so sad these things are gone, I know how much you miss your X (frying pan, china, etc.), this is hard." If she asks where did they go, just say the items are now gone and try to change the subject. Have photos on your smart phone of something fun, interesting, family members: "hey look at X's new puppy...."

If she starts on the berating: before she gets a second word out, hold up your hand like a stop sign, say "stop" in an assertive voice, NOT angry. Say something like, "I know this is hard for you but I am NOT here to serve as your punching bag. You can speak with your health care team or psychologists if one is on staff to help you. If you continue to "yell at me," "say disrespectful things to me," "blame me for this situation," (whatever); then I will leave, hang up the phone if this is on a call. BE READY TO do that. Just say, I will see you next week/or call you next week, when you are in a better mood. Leave/hang up and DO NOT TAKE any calls from her. If there is a real emergency the facility will call you.

Repeat this, but the next time say: "I will see you in two weeks" when you are feeling better; that is make the time away or time between calls longer. Keep extending the time. This is your boundary. You do NOT need to "just take it."

She can choose to berate as much as she wants, and YOU CAN CHOOSE to NOT TAKE it. Get comfortable with the separation. Unhappy, unpleasant people remain as such and generally get worse as the age. If you have to block their phone number, do it. Listen to messages when YOU CHOOSE. Go no contact for a while if you need to protect yourself and heal from this. Also, getting with a good therapist to work through/process this can be very helpful.

She is never going to appreciate what you have done, so instead you and your sister celebrate and appreciate each other. Tell each other you both a "good daughters" and she is in a safe place that can care for her. Then go live your own life.

Good luck with this.

Her things are a tangible connection to the life she lived. I would take one box to her at a time. During the visit we go through glasses, dinnerware, etc. Talk about the memories they bring up, events where they were used, etc. Repack the box, letting her know how precious they are, where they will be stored, and that I can bring them back whenever she wants. It also gives structure to the visits that can so easily lapse in silence or tv noise.

She's mad. You would be mad too. She's lost her independence and she's lashing out at whoever she can. I would talk to them about possibly getting a counselor to talk to her and possibly consider medication.
My mother was resistant to the point that she would give herself headaches and be nauseous. It took awhile to realize it was anxiety and depression. They gave her some medication and it has been great ever since. If I was truly honest, she probably needed it years earlier when my dad died.

She is obviously anxious about "her things" and where they may be. Label all her boxes with large labels with bold print. Consider asking her doctor for medication to help her relax or manage her mental health issues.

My mom for now is aging at home, very very much like this, and her "stuff" is probably why she insists on aging at home.

She has things in her attic that maybe at 30 I would of wanted, that she holds onto as a , a carrot, someday if you play your cards right this will be yours. 😆

That ship sailed, I have my own stuff, to much stuff.

Your right in limiting your visit, and you are not alone.

There is a such thing as therapeutic fibbing. Tell her that her things are safe and are stored in a safe place.

There isn't much you can do about the NPD since this is her default personality trait(s). When the accusations and other behaviors start, leave. No word or anything is needed. You don't have to put up with disrespect.

I'm hot-headed by nature; so, I have no problem disengaging from people who are pains in the derriere. Usually, I will leave in silence because I know if I didn't, it would be hell to pay.

I had a father who was awful. Towards the end of his life, I was doing good to visit him every six months or twice a year. I lived ten minutes from the family home. So, leave it to his wife and him, I was a spoiled brat who he sacrificed for and was thankless for what he provided. I was like; whatever. But isn't that the character of a narcissist re-writing the narrative of the truth? You end up doing all the work while they enjoy the ride.

Mom's always been like this, yes, but now the OCD element is ramped up substantially due to the dementia. The obsessive part of the OCD keeps her thinking in loops.....the China, the crystal, my things, where are they, they must have been stolen, someone's hiding them from me, I never agreed to donate ANY of my precious belongings, etc. Once she's done thinking those obsessive thoughts, she compulsively needs to think them AGAIN. Over and over. Such is the nature of loop thinking with OCD and dementia thrown in. You can answer her questions 1,000 times, and tomorrow she'll be asking again. These thoughts are now etched into her brain like a railroad track and the train leaves the station every hour. I dealt with my mother and her OCD loop thinking with dementia, even in the early days, for 6 years. And before the dementia, she was a compulsive cleaner who designer vacuumed .....you know, all the lines of the Hoover had to be in sync and then nobody could walk on the carpet because it'd show footprints? 😑

Always a difficult person turns into an impossibly difficult person to deal with once dementia sets in.

One year I set my parents AL apartment up with Christmas decorations like I'd been doing the previous years in IL. The day after Christmas, mom called me several times to find out when I'd be coming by to remove said Christmas decorations. I told her I didn't know, that my stepdaughter was coming to visit and I'd be busy. But not to worry, I wouldn't forget. She proceeded to hound me several times a day and I proceeded to assure her I'd remove the damned decorations, what was the big deal??? With these women though, everything is a Big Deal. A day later I took my stepdaughter by to visit my folks and spend some time. The FIRST thing out of my mother's mouth was, "When are you going to get rid of these Christmas decorations?" I think I had a TIA right then, I was seeing bright lights in my field of vision. I yelled very loudly RIGHT NOW MA. And my SD and I proceeded to grab every single Christmas item out of that apartment and load it into my car, Willy nilly, so not one remnant of festivity remained in her tidy little world. I slammed the door on our way out as a few more blood vessels burst in my forehead.

Later that evening, my father called. He wanted to know why I was so aggravated all the time with my mother? That she was feeling very hurt over my behavior that day. I asked dad if he was kidding or what?

Set down firm boundaries and don't flinch. Stick to your guns 100% of the time. Because mom will look for you to crack just a bit so she can start in with the antagonizing again. Then tell you how hurt she is over your attitude. Been there done that. Learn from my mistakes.

I have walked out after 15 minutes but I haven’t done it consistently. I’ll try it. I’m a “terrible daughter” and she’s the poor victim and that will never change.

Good plan.

That’s a good idea.

I’d tell her next time that it sounds like she needs a break from you and then don’t call and stop going over there for a week or so.

If her facility has activities and events, try to only visit during those times so you have something to distract her, or go during meals and eat with her, take her outside, etc.

Depending on her memory you can tell her the items are in storage. There is no way to reason with someone with dementia: their brains are broken and they're losing their reason and logic and ability to have empathy. When she starts in on the possessions talk, tell her you'll talk about it later then take out your phone and show her some family pics or funny animal videos on YouTube, anything to distract her. If all else fails tell her you'll return to visit when she is in a happier mood. Then stop responding to her negativism and berating. Literally ignore it and then leave.

Of course there is no thank you for all that you do . Mom has lost any empathy . I had a mother like that . The dementia was like throwing gasoline on a fire of her narcissism .

The belongings , my mother drove me crazy. She even called 911 over it , while in assisted living .

Tell Mom she has what she needs and are not discussing it any longer . If she still doesn’t stop , you leave . Say “ gotta go now “ , and leave .

Dont “deal“ with a narcissist.

Shut down the conversation and exit. You’re dedicating to much energy to this nonsense.

My suggestions would be:
1) Get a line ready for ‘beratings’ – eg “You didn’t make these choices yourself. Now we can only try.” Repeat, repeat.
2) Ask if she enjoys the visits. Does she want you to enjoy the visits? Tell her that if both of you don’t enjoy the visits, it’s better if you don’t visit. If she wants them, she needs to make sure they are enjoyable for you. “even if you are faking it, I won’t come if they clearly aren’t enjoyable for either of us”.
3) Work out the lines to repeat. For example “are you enjoying this visit, yes or no”. If you don’t get a ‘yes’ straight away, say ‘OK I’m going’ and walk out.

Don’t be afraid of walking out, and be prepared to do it several times before it sinks in to her that you won’t accept being treated badly.