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I just signed for a letter & it’s from the hospital regarding petitioning the court for my mother’s guardianship.
My heart sunk when I opened it & I’m crying. I was feeling hopeful about life in general today & then this came. I feel so rotten, like I’m a horrible daughter.
I know it’s not true & I can’t be her guardian because of the abuse. Physical & emotional as a child, then only emotional as a teen & adult.
If she had changed I would but she hasn’t & don’t want my life to be all about her again.
I don’t want to be manipulated, bullied, lied to or be involved in her chronic drama & disputes with people ever again. I have to take care of myself & deal with my own problems. Many which are a result of feeling like I was her mother as a child picking her up the floor with slit wrists & afraid to leave her because she would kill herself. I use to cry when she’d take too many pills & hide them from her thinking that would help because I was only 5.
I don’t understand why I’m crying right now? Why this is affecting me this badly, why I feel so sorry for her?
Everyone who knows her tells me “she made her bed & has to lie in it”. That doesn’t make me feel better & it’s coming from people who experienced her wrath & eventually cut her out of their lives.
What is wrong with me?
I know it’s unrealistic to change my mind but this is so sad! I feel so guilty& horrible.
I don’t want her to feel like I don’t care & that’s why I had to say no! It’s much more complex then that. I don’t want her to feel alone because there are no other children but me.
I feel conflicted & everything I wanted to accomplish today, just went out the window because my heart is broken for my mother. I know she has a mental illness & it’s not her fault but I can’t be on the receiving end of that anymore. I gave up decades of my life trying to help her, giving her chance after chance, I gave her money when I had an excess of it, I’ve tried everything. I’ve told her my boundaries & what keeps my away but she’s unable to respect them. They are very small boundaries too like not calling me names or calling 20x/day starting @ 4am, not calling my place of employment & yelling, not to lie to me & things like that.
I feel so sad & don’t know how to get this feeling to go away.
Its a similar feeling to when my father who was wonderful died when I was 25.
I think it’s probably because I saw this in writing( guardianship) & it made things more real. I feel like I’m closing the door on her.
I don’t know what to do & how to not blame myself for saying no. I don’t know how to not feel like I’m a bad daughter by doing something like this. It’s weird because I can give good advice to others but can’t seem to apply it to myself.
I feel heartbroken & it really hurts.
I’d be grateful for any advice even if it’s to say I am
a bad daughter & I made a mistake.
I just want to be at peace with my decision & after reading these legal papers all I can think about is how alone my mother must feel & how I abandoned her!

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Try to think of this with less emotion. EASIER SAID I KNOW. You alone know what you’ve been through. Don’t do what I did then be stabbed in the back. I too was abused emotionally as a child . My mother is the epitome of the white, elderly,entitled narcissist. And an alcoholic. My mom is 86. Last year she had a stroke. To make a long story shorter( if even possible ) I took on everything. I too am an only child. After months of care and complete change on my life - approximately 2-3 weeks ago she fell- the hospital only checked her head at that point — after about a week she was complaining of her L leg hurting - plus her CHF was worse. I have been begging for her to go to the ER . This past Monday was it— all I’m hearing is wheezing and crying , yelling… I called 911 and told her you ARE going- she was furious ! 3.5 days later no one will talk to me - when the EMT’s were here my mother said “ she / they don’t feed me, she won’t give me my clothes, she won’t give me my medicine - all lies . The EMT only said “ we aren’t talking about emotions “ — that was it - last night I found out she is saying I abuse her! The hospital is getting in touch with APS to investigate. I have been posting on here for a couple days but haven’t been able to write this out yet and I JUST found out for sure last night what she is saying. I feel absolutely betrayed. Do what your gut tells you or you could wind up on the end of the name “abuser”. I AM STILL IN SHOCK but I’m not surprised . You do what is safest and best for you/ your family . I have spent the last year caring for a woman only for her to try and ruin my life. People never TRULY change as I am seeing and learning now…they only pretend in the moment if they need something.
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Well you DID leave her ! Why? Dont you love your Mom really??? Your leaving her for someone else to take care of or walk away. Wow!
I have a brother whos using his POA ove MOM and Me to leave Mom in the nursing home thinking and telling others this way she is taking care of. Really my Brother despise Mom because Mom told my brother he had no business marrying his path ethic Wife for reasons I cant say! My brothers knows hes killing mom and lives far away and cannot just come see her at will. I live here and my brother back stabbed me with his wife by putting Mom in nursing home here in Wy. W View Today Mom literally cried and shook her hands saying why wont someone listen to her. I said Iam listening but cant even get my attorney to act in good faith to help mom. Why probably because to get guardianship I have a criminal background so no one will listen to but and my Mom is suffering over this. Can I get attorney to obtain the Guardianship? Thx
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JoAnn29 Aug 2021
First the OP was abused as a child and an adult. Abused children should not care for their abusers. For this OP allowing the State to take over was her best option.

This post is 2 months old. You will get a much better response if you post your question to the forum. A question tends to get lost in someone elses thread. Also, people come here for support not criticism.
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it sounds like you just need to protect yourself. I can understand not wanting to be her guardian and not wanting to be responsible for her. That’s how I felt about my mom before she passed away and how I feel about my father. I really wish I had moved away years ago and not had anything to do with their manipulation and abuse. I tried so many things to help them and they just pulled me down with them and now I have stress related issues … I can’t swallow my food and choke everyday especially when stressed. My point is you need to take care of yourself. You may not be able to help her. She just might make you sick instead like in my situation.

Is there anything you can do that makes you feel better? Good food, being in nature, travel, yoga? Maybe think of what you want for yourself and focus on that and how to achieve it. Think of what steps you need to take to get there. I know how you feel when it comes to guilt. I have a lot of guilt too. It sounds like she was ill and you weren’t able to have a childhood. You need to heal. Put yourself first. Don’t let the guilt eat you up… you need to have these boundaries. Listen to your gut feelings. Hugs!
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I had exactly the same type of mother. I understand and grieve with you , that you want to be a loving daughter to a loving parent but that is not your story.
You grew up and knew to move away from a person who tore you down. You have the confirmation of others who also were treated badly.
It's called boundaries. You can probably imagine the life it would be to be her guardian. If she never valued you, she isn't going to start now. You would literally set yourself up for abuse again.
But this time you have freedom and choice, not as a small child and teen.
I am sorry she is so mean. I am so sorry my mother is mean. there are mean people in the world.
we wish for good but others do not cooperate with that. Be realistic even though it hurts inside. There are other services available, just as there are for people without children-ask the social worker. Find healing for yourself. Abused kids are usually very sensitive to how others may feel, but then give everything they are to make another person happy.
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You are crying because you are grieving; for the child you were never allowed to be, for the love of a mother that should be every child's experience, for the woman who has not changed after many interventions, for the mother you really lost long ago - even though she is still physically in this world.

Yes, your mother has a mental illness. But that is not a "get out of jail free" card. She has had ample opportunities throughout her life to change this trajectory, through counseling, medication, therapy, etc. She has chosen not to do the difficult work of improving or controlling her illness, and has constantly expected others to pick up the pieces of her life and put her back together again. If she had made attempts to get better, it might be different, but that doesn't appear to be the case.

It's easy to tell you not to blame yourself, but you must realize you also have played the co-dependent for many years. It seems as though you have established boundaries, but they haven't been enough. If the hospital had you down as next-of-kin, there was still some connection or implied responsibility.

You have not abandoned your mother. She abandoned you long ago. Give yourself permission to live your own life, as she must live her own life.

I strongly suggest you consider therapy to help you come to grips with the guilt. You have every right to be happy and at peace. My thoughts are with you!
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AlvaDeer Aug 2021
I am so thankful to read your response to the OP, Fowlair. I haven't responded on Forum for a few months, but still do occasionally stop by and read questions and responses. Doing so makes me know my input isn't needed at all; the community is thriving.
One of the questions I always responded to was one that indicated an OP was mistaking guilt and grief. Clearly Medicineislogic is grieving both the needs of her Mom, her own childhood, and the limitations she now has due to a lifelong troubled relationship. I hope she will not accept guardianship.
Guilt is almost never the issue in these cases; it is almost always grief.
And like you, I believe that we often need some hours of time with a Licensed Social Worker specially trained in life transitions issues, or a psychologist, to help us comb out the differences between guilt and grief.
I look forward to seeing your responses helping people every time I stop by to visit this site, which so helped me, and which continues to comfort and help others.
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Let the court appoint someone else. Walk away and find a therapist to talk with to defuse the guilt. Good luck.
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Imho, you must take care of YOU.
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You're only human and can endure only so much. It's unfortunate this issue wasn't able to be put behind you all, before the present being what it is. Follow your heart and make the best choice that will leave you feeling guilt-free, because that's what matters most when it's all said and done.
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Your situation sounds a lot like mine. Unfortunately I was somewhat convinced by others that I could step in and manage my mother’s affairs. Although I’m doing a good job, it takes a huge toll on me. If I had it to do over, in hindsight, I would have chosen to let the state step in and manage her care. You Have made the right decision.
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skyelav Jun 2021
You can get an elder care attorney and get the court to appoint someone else. Do it before you make yourself sick.
Tell the court you are incompetent or something your lawyer will advise you.
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OY. You have suffered such trauma and drama as a child. Realize if nothing else YOU are a survivor. I am very impressed with your survival instincts even now to say "no". You have answered your own question, you just need support to stick to your decision which is just and right. Closing the door on her? She slammed the door on your fingers till they were broken when you were a little person. NO GUILT ZONE HERE. Maybe talk to an elder law attorney (a consult shouldn't be too expensive) and ask for suggestions/resources that will best suit the situation, then share them with your mother. THen you have done enough.
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Try not to feel guilty. You need to take care of yourself too and you’re only human, there is only so much energy you can expend. Boundaries are also a form of love.
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There are 33 responses above mine, and I haven't read them, but I'll guess the majority are telling you that you feel this way because you are a good person, not a bad one. Bad people don't have feelings about things -- good people do.

Cry it out of your system, and move ahead. You aren't broken.
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I will tell you why you feel the way you do. It's because you ARE a good person. It's because you ARE a compassionate person. It's because, despite you history, you DO CARE what happens because you are a DECENT person. So don't beat up on yourself for being smart enough to realize where this could lead if you were to accept the responsibility for her care. Is it possible to have guardianship over the decisions that are made without having a relationship with her? That would be my only question. If you can make choices for her, knowing what is best for her, without submitting to a relationship, then maybe you could consider it. Otherwise, I think you would do best to leave those matters to others. I hope that helps. As a mother myself, I would never want to have my child give up their own happiness and life for me.
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Please go to The Salvation Army or go online to Focus on the Family for resources to help you, including counselling.

You are in my morning prayer.
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There is no need for you to feel this way.

Your mother sounds like most residents I have met in seniors homes. They were a disgrace as a mother and disgusting as a woman.

They only cared about themselves and were and are abusive. They foolishly believe the whole world revolves around them. They do not care who they hurt just as long as they get their own way. Many times they enjoy abusing others.

She turned her back on you when you needed her now let her reap what she has sown.

“People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God—having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people.”  2 Timothy 3:2-5

Warn a divisive person once, and then warn them a second time. After that, have nothing to do with them. You may be sure that such people are warped and sinful; they are self-condemned. Titus 3:10-11
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Apologize in advance because I didn’t read other replies yet..but I felt I had to respond and don’t have time right now for both. Don’t feel guilty for any of this — you have your own life and it sounds like your mother (not sure if she deserves even that) has done you enough harm. I can appreciate that she may have a mental illness but then likely both she and your father knew about this prior to your birth and should have taken steps to protect you. Hopefully your father did so later and your mother’s abuse was just a rare occasion ..which is still too much. Anyway, let’s talk about now ..first ..wish I’d been able to answer the day you felt so badly but ..do something special for yourself ..spa day, manicure, take a walk in a favorite spot ..have a donut ,favorite drink ..whatever. Not sure if you have a significant other but if you do spend time with them ..just to feel that love. If you don’t have a support system , take steps to build one — join a church or a group with some similar interest, do some physical activity which helps with alleviating depression, tell yourself “I’m okay I am good enough I matter “ make a mantra of it if that works — look in mirror and say it morning and night . Get counseling — sometimes takes time to connect , if you can’t afford sometimes community centers or churches have low cost or free..also if you take college courses , even just one , sometimes you are entitled to use their services and learn something new at same time ! Just don’t wallow in your feelings of guilt ..you have recognized that you can’t do this and it would disturb your mental state so DONT keep rehashing. If hospital knew this hopefully their sending letter was just a formality they had to take otherwise it’s manipulative. You haven’t abandoned your mom ..you can still visit ( set firm boundaries , leave if they are crossed , and schedule something uplifting afterwards - lunch with a friend, an outdoor walk, even just buying flowers for your home or having an ice cream cone)
good luck to you
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Here is my thought, in order for the state to take guardianship, would they not be required to ask next of kin first? I mean, if she needs a gardian, wouldn't that need have to be documented? Documentation that you being unable to be her gardian would be necessary in order for this to happen. The letter you received is probably part of this process. I do however think it would be wise of you to address your reaction, and seek counseling. You are worth it.
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Countrymouse Jun 2021
They have asked next of kin - she very wisely declined, for the soundest possible reasons - and she has now been duly notified of the hospital's application for guardianship. It's all in the course of the correct process. It's just that her heart's in her boots about it, poor little love.
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Sounds like you are traumatized.
* Keep remembering WHY you said NO initially.
* It is not unusual, from my understanding, for 'the abused person' to be 'loyal to the abuser.'
* As you said "I just want to be at peace (with my decision). The peace may take some time. I sense it took immense courage for you to do what you did. And YOU do deserve to have some inner peace. You've suffered enough.
HarpCat said:
You might want to read Healing the Shame that Binds You by John Bradshaw. A friend of mine who had similar parents as your's said it was a huge help."
I say: GET INTO THERAPY YESTERDAY. Heal yourself.
Gena / Touch Matters
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You owe her nothing. It was a healthy move to say no. One result of growing up with a mentally ill parent can be an overgrown sense of loyalty—a feeling of constantly having to fix and take care of them—what child wants to see their parent die or self-destruct? Find an excellent therapist, particularly one who is trained specifically in PTSD. Your childhood was a very long series of traumas. You deserve a good life.
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Whats does guilty mean?
1 : responsible for having done wrong.
2 : suffering from or showing bad feelings about having done wrong.

You have done NOTHING wrong. You are not abandoning your mother. It sounds like she abandoned you as a child. Go on with your life. At this point, she has not changed and you will be signing over your life to years of misery. If you need help, see a therapist. If your mother feels alone, it's because of her own actions. Give yourself permission to have peace in your life. It's all about you. Take care of yourself.
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I read your entire profile. You had a very sad and cruel childhood because of your mother. Your mother groomed you to feel the way you do. She is and will always be an abuser.

You need therapy.

You need to let the court appoint a guardian for your mother.

You need to rebuild a life for yourself and allow time to heal from the myriad wounds your mother inflicted upon you.

In my opinion, your mother's current situation is her fault, not yours. She sought no help for herself when she was abusing you. People of average intelligence are capable of recognizing the need to change their behavior. She chose not to change her ways.

Go no contact with the hospital, the social worker, your mother, etc. Do not let them sucker you into being a part of your mother's life.

I don't know what, if anything, you need to do with the petition but someone on this forum can probably answer that.

You deserve so much better than you have been given by your mother. You recognize that you cannot help her. You recognize that caring for an abuser is unhealthy for yourself. Your mother has taken up too much space in your head already. I urge you to stop thinking about your mother because she will be fine.

Do something kind for yourself right now and every day. Do you have friends? Do you have hobbies?
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I would be very happy to read that you stood in front of a mirror, and shouted out to your reflection something like:

"I have put up with this abuse for FAR too long. I have decided that I am FREE from it, and I plan to live my OWN life from now on. I am a good person who has done my best for my mother, but now it is time for someone else to take over. I can only change myself and no one else. I realize my own needs and desires are valid. Therefore, from today onward, I am going to discover how to meet them, and resolve to do what it takes to make my own happiness a reality. Once again, I am FREE from my mother's clutches, and my new life begins NOW."

If you want to visit your mother in future, you can do so. However, if you don't, that is fine, too. Your needs come first now.
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disgustedtoo Jun 2021
All good goals to set forth! Hopefully OP will give this a try.

(btw, this reminds me of Stuart Smalley on SNL, Daily Affirmations skit, gazing into the mirror and saying "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough and doggonit, people like me!!! OP could add this to the end of the above soliloquy. The short clips start out with an intro including some more good things one can repeat into the mirror:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ldAQ6Rh5ZI )
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The scars from a bad childhood do not disappear just because you're older.  After reading your post, I agree with you that becoming your mothers guardian is not in your best interest.  When our parents need assistance and we are forced to make life decisions for them, it can be overwhelmingly stressful.  If there are underlying issues with the relationship, it brings it all to the surface.  Simply decline the request to become her guardian.  That doesn't mean you can't visit her or check in on her.

Take care.
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You had a horrible upbringing and I suspect you were brainwashed into believing this was o.k. and you had to put up with it. NO - NO - NO. This was horribly wrong and cruel. You are not guilty because of how you feel - you feel this way because of what was done to you. YOU OWE HER NOTHING. You paid your dues long ago. You are doing what any normal being would do - walk away. This damage was done long ago and NOT by you. Be grateful you no longer have to bear this suffering - let the courts deal with her. You enjoy your life and make yourself happy. Feel sorry for her if that makes you feel better but end it there. She got what she deserved. Now you move on and be happy and if need be, seek a therapist to help you move on. Those who are "evil" or cruel deserve nothing from anyone.
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Are you going to abandon her? Meaning, just because someone else makes legal decisions, you're still going to be her daughter and visit? Or not?

Since you couldn't save her and she is fully aware of how to manipulate or push your buttons, you probably aren't the best person to be in charge of her affairs. It didn't work all these years. You aren't any more equipped to change the outcome now than you were then.

Just be her daughter. Visit. If visit gets ugly, say you have to leave and will return later. If she tries to get you to do things the guardian won't do, tell her that the doctors could see you weren't the best person to be in charge of her care. You will only abandon her if you really abandon her. Don't.
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TouchMatters Jun 2021
The last "Don't" threw me. This is judgmental and putting pressure on the daughter. It is high time she does what she wants and needs for her own well-being and to build herself up. The word abandon is misplaced.
Should a serial killer's wife stay with him or would leaving be abandonment? There comes a time when another's behavior needs to be addressed through action - for the healing to begin of the significant other(s).
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I haven't read the many answers, so I apologize if I repeat something that might already have been written.

I think life presents us with series of choices throughout our existence, some of which are good, some bad, and some in the middle.   The best we can do is analyze the choices and make the most appropriate decision of which we are capable. 

Regrets can happen, regardless of our choices.   And we don't have confirmation of our selections, so a lot of the analysis if not regret is in our minds, and can't always be rationally analyzed, especially when we're dealing with wanting the best for our parents, and balancing our own needs.

Based on your initial post, it seems as though you faced a very challenging dilemma, but made what you feel is the best decision for care for your mother.   I think that's a rational and appropriate decision, even though it troubles you.  

In caring for our loved ones, I think we're faced with these kinds of decisions more frequently, and they're far more personal and emotional.   Will we ever come to terms with our decisions?  I'm not sure...I still review and rationalize decisions I made 2 decades ago, but there's nothing I can do except to remind myself that the situations were challenging and no decision was much better than another.

I see that your last posts were on the same date as opening this thread.  I hope you're still here to see how much support others have offered, and wish you peace and acceptance of a difficult situation as you and your mother move forward.
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First you are NOT horrible, you did the best you could under the circumstances and no where does it say that you Have to take care of your parents when they are older. And certainly if you were abused. You are sad because you wish you had a mother that didn't do the bad things, so you are grieving the loss of someone "you wish she had been" and not who she really is. You can't change her and honestly you need to seek some counseling to deal with all those buried feelings. Do not feel bad and don't worry what she is going to think. She won't or hasn't apparently understood all the bad stuff she did to you or caused you such trauma in your life as a child growing up. She needed help that she did not get. You can't change the past and can only make a decision (which you have done) to make your future better. Take one step at a time, seek some counseling and try to move forward........then someday IF/WHEN you feel you want to visit her you can, but if she starts on the abuse.......just turn around and walk away. knowing that you have done what you needed to do to make sure YOUR future is better. I wish you luck and you are NOT a bad person for your decision to take control of your life.
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You did not abandon her, and it is not uncommon children to not want to be their parent's guardian. You survived a lot -- go easy on yourself. You are not Jesus and cannot walk on water.
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TouchMatters Jun 2021
Well. Do we know if he really did?
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It appears you are reliving the emotions of that time of caring for your mom all over again. It is OK to feel the sadness, and you definitely had a lot to be sad about. It is also OK to say "no" because you realize that you do not have the objectivity to care for your mom's complex needs. You are not abandoning her; you are making sure she gets care and that she has a good decision-maker that can be objective enough to make sure her care is appropriate. You are not making a mistake.

Please read any of the books by Townsend and Cloud about "boundaries." Use their techniques when you contact/visit your mom.
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You are having a very natural reaction. You have been trying to take care of problems beyond your ability for many years. Even if you were a trained professional, you would want another professional to handle many of the care problems involved with your Mom. A court appointed guardian can be a very helpful and knowledgable intermediary. They will have dealt with the problems your Mom meets many times. They know facilities and how to maneuver with them. They can help with bureaucratic convolutions.Don't abandon her, visit, stay in touch. Tell her truthfully that you have an expert helping you take care of many things so you can concentrate on visiting. But, first, take care of your normal grief. You would have most of the feelings you are having now aside from the difficult relationship. When important people in your life start failing, it is heartbreaking, frustrating, and all the past reemerges in fast motion. Please go to a therapist who allows you to express feelings you find difficult or embarrassing. You don't need people blaming your Mom, You need someone who encourages you say the things you need to say, resolve some of your difficult feelings, and get to the other side of this painful part of life. God Bless.
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