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Continue as you have been with one major change. Stop letting what these women do or say bother you. I like Barb's suggestion of "tell them that your father has your complete and loving support". Then leave it at that, don't feed their viciousness.

Could it be that these women are, maybe, trying to help or show caring and compassion for your mom. Don't waste any more of your time or energy trying to figure these women out or understand their action. Take it as it is and leave it at that.

And know it s wonderful that dad has decided to let someone into his life. And more wonderful that you support him. And dad can manage this himself. You do not need to defend him.
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katiekat2009 Oct 2019
She might also add, "And, frankly. It's none of your business."
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Put everything you have written here in a letter to them. They do not deserve any explanations but I can tell you want to get those feelings out and express it to them. Once you do that, never let it cross your mind again. If they aren't helping on a daily basis with the life you are living on a daily basis, their judgments are not relevant in your life.
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You know what the truth is. You know what's going on in your family and these women are not a part of your family. You are under no obligation to make them understand anything. Right now they're on the outside looking in. If you approach them with the intention of trying to get them to understand their place in your mom's life increases. You'll be bringing them into what's going on in your family. I hope you don't do that because you're not going to change them or their behavior and seeking them out to try to explain things is almost like asking for their blessing. You don't owe them anything.
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If you feel the need to offer an explanation I think you might try writing it down and practising - I would keep it brief, just how hard it has been to lose your mother and that you are all okay with the idea of allowing someone new to join the family. Unfortunately I think that you are just going to have to harden your heart against these friends of your mother's and cut them out of your lives, nothing you say to them is likely to change their feelings until they've had the opportunity to walk those proverbial miles in your shoes.
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I don't think you are going to change their minds.

And I don't think you should stress out over their behavior. You can laugh when they say judge-y things and tell them that your father has your complete and loving support.
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