I am 72 yo. My father is nearly 99 yo and is in a wheelchair. He lives in an assisted living facility. His dementia and hallucinations are increasing. He rambles on and on about things he thinks are real. I HATE being around him. I just can't take him anymore. I feel so crushingly guilty. I don't want to be around him. My only sib moved out of the country. I know that I am a horrible daughter for feeling this way. He gets angry if I try to reorient him. Ex: he said that the director came into the dining room screaming at him to get out, flailing her arms, threatening him. He says that he roams the building all night. None of it is real. It is so so hard to sit and listen to his rantings and ramblings. I can't take any more of him, my tank is totally empty. I used to go over a couple of times a week. Now I can barely stand to go there every couple of weeks. I had a very bad childhood due to my parents mental health issues. I have come to resent him so deeply. I can't find a counselor who takes my insurance. The facility he is in does not have a support system for families. I have no one to lean on. I am desperate and overwhelmed with guilt.
Compassion fatigue is a real thing; Google it. Your tank is totally empty, so is mine. I am an only child and have NOBODY to lean on but myself (and my DH) to deal with my mother who's 95 next month; I'm 64 and very, very tired AND sick and tired, too. I'd rather be anywhere else but at my mother's Memory Care AL listening to whatever nonsense she's drummed up to torture me with. So I go once a week and I call her a couple of times a week. In the interim, I call the FACILITY to see how she's doing. The NP who sees her 2x a week (at least) calls and checks in with me and THAT is how I know how my mother is doing. B/c to hear her tell it, she's dying daily and they're undressing her and lying her out on the bed but she can't recall why and on and on. She doesn't eat or sleep or do a blasted thing all day long and everyone is driving her crazy and her siblings (all dead) have abandoned her AGAIN so she's walking home (she's wheelchair bound since 2019). I don't see a therapist myself b/c nobody is going to help me through this; the only thing that will help is having this OVER with when she passes away. I don't feel guilty for saying that b/c it's the truth.
Go out and take care of YOURSELF now. Let the AL take care of your dad. See him if and when you feel mentally ready to and then stay a short while. Call the AL to check on his status in between visits. Do only what you're able b/c you're 72 years old YOURSELF! Please don't die before your father does b/c you're so stressed out and anxiety ridden over not being able to 'do' anything for him. He's lived his life of almost ONE HUNDRED YEARS already! He's well taken care of and that's what counts.
Just do one more thing: check with his doctor to see if you can get him on hospice; they can make him a lot more comfortable with anti anxiety meds that will cut down his hallucinations and delusions. I'm working on that for my mother as well. That's all we can do, really.
Wishing you the best of luck caring for YOU now.
That doesn't make you a bad daughter.
I would ask his doctor if there is anything that can help calm him down. It must be difficult to believe the things he does. He doesn't know it isn't real and that's where his anger comes from.
I would learn to tune out when he starts, pat answers like, oh that's to bad, mmhmmm, you must be exhausted after, I hear you, really just anything that doesn't disregard what he believes is truth.
You have made sure that he is safe and cared for, now it's time for a break to reset and fill you up. You matter too!