I’ve been caring for my Mother for 8 years….she lives 30 miles from me in a Seniors lodge. She’s 96…..we’re pretty close and I love her dearly. Her mind is pretty good, her sight is terrible…..she can’t find things because of her vision and thinks people are stealing from her. We almost always find these things. We were there recently with my daughter (her granddaughter, and two great granddaughters) had a great visit, my daughter is really her only grandchild that makes a fuss over her. I went camping with my daughter for a few days….I got home, phoned my Mom and she accused my daughter of stealing 500 dollars from her wallet. My daughter would never do that. Ever. For my Mom to accuse her shocked me. I feel like I’ve been kicked in the stomach. How do I deal with this? My Mom and I have been really close…..I don’t know what to do, I’m devastated.
Your mom is 96. You say she has dementia on her bio and you say her mind is pretty good. Those two things may seem incongruent but really happen often. Dementia is not like a light switch. Perfect mind or no mind. It sputters and is more like a short in the wiring. Some things she just isn’t going to get right. Because on the regular days she seems so good, it catches you off guard.
I had a dear friend who had three beautiful expensive dress bags from her career days. She loved those bags and what they represented to her. She would hide those bags from herself when trying to hide them from others. Her family would find notes where she had written down who had been in her house and that’s who she would blame….that time. It is so real to them.
Your job is to remember that mom has dementia. She is 96. It’s a cruel thing the disease is doing to her mind. Think of the devastation she feels when she realizes she has $500 missing. She has used the best logic she has available to her to come up with her GD. It’s not personal. It’s the working of a failing ability to remember.
So take a breath. Mom needs a little help. She should never have $500 in the first place if she has dementia. Reduce her belongings so that it is easier for her to find things. You may need to reduce the number of places she has to tuck things away. You could possibly utilize cameras to help guide her to where she placed a missing object.
If this were totally out of the blue I would suggest a UTI test but you said she has been losing things on a regular basis.
My friend suffered from frequent UTIs and hospitalizations as a result. She was on hospice when she died and I suspect it was from a UTI. So there are many things that may be going on.
Whatever you do, don’t argue with her or try to convince her she is wrong. Just move on.
If you haven’t already check out Teepa Snow videos and you will pick up some technique on how to divert her from the accusations and such. and take care of you. You are losing the good friend you knew bit by bit. It’s hard.
‘One more thing I wanted to add. Your mom’s condition will change as time goes by. It’s a progressive disease.
First I have to ask...did she have $500 in her wallet? If so WHY? She should not have that amount of money with her in a facility where there are others people that might steal the money. If she did not have $500 then don't worry about what she said happened. And I would not even mention the incident to your daughter.
(not even going to go into the fact that if there was cash it might have been the great granddaughter(s) that took the money.
And..if your mom is in an AL facility (you say a Seniors Lodge, I am not sure of the term) and if she had dementia as you indicate she should probably be in Memory Care.