HI, new to the forum but I have read quite a few of the posts and feel this could be a useful tool for me and mom. My dad passed away 2 1/2 yrs ago and I am the caregiver for my 82 year old mother with the onset of dementia. She lives alone but I live down the street and see and talk to her everyday. I also have cameras in and out of the house to help me keep track of her, For the most part she does well. She is very good about her hygiene & thankfully can handle bathroom needs alone. She is having a little problem with her meds, even though I have electronic boxes with timers and alarms. She forgets to or is to lazy to fix something to eat, even though I always bring her something to reheat. I just think she spends too much time alone and I feel so guilty about it. I have to keep up the house, bills, trash, meds, pretty much everything. She has on occasion been talked into new insurance via telemarketing that I have had to "fix" the problem. I have a husband that has mobility issues and requires me to do a lot for him also. I am just pretty much burned out, I have no alone time or have time for anything for fun. Any advice....
Finally had a slight stroke at age 93, was afraid to stay alone at night, we swooped her up moved her to FL near us, placed in a facility.
She loves it and said "I wish I had done this sooner, new friends, activities, dining and I do not have to clean"! Loves being with people more her age! She teaches sit down aerobics three times a week!
Go figure, she is now almost 99!
Going into a facility" is not the horrible scenario some folks like to portray it to be, quite the opposite actually. My folks lived in a hotel like AL they loved. They felt fortunate to have the funds TO live in such a place, in reality.
Get busy looking for ALs that also have Memory Care available for when mom needs it.
Good luck and stay on the forum. Keep us updated.
It would relieve you of feeling as responsible for every minute of her day if she was in assisted living .Do you have POA to help her find a place and to sell her current home ?
If she doesn't wish to do that and you are all right with maintaining current level of care with perhaps some help brought in, then while there may be risk, at this point we are all going to die. Perhaps it IS better to be able to do it in our own homes.
Only you can gage the level of safety and what you have to give. At some point this isn't sustainable for your own health if care cannot be hired on. I wish you the best of luck but this has to be your decision to make.
I went through something similar a few years ago. In a nutshell, parents were both in denial about living independently. They could no longer do this. My mom was adamant that no one could come into the house and she really needed help. Mom had the beginning signs of dementia and dad was blind. Two story house, no neighbors that were close to them, and my sister and I live in different states from them. We looking at various solutions, tried to use in home care (Home Instead), toured a few senior communities (mom hated them). In the end dad fell and ended up in the hospital, he went into a senior community for rehab. Mom really had no choice but to follow him in. She really needed to be in memory care (the repeating does make you a bit nuts).
I can tell you it was not easy, but neither was watching them fail trying to live the life they used to have. That life was gone.
Does your mom have the money for a senior community? Have you looked into any with her? I would suggest you call A Place For Mom or another company who take your mom's location and needs and they help you find a suitable AL or memory care facility near you that will work for her. You can't live her life for her. You need to live your life. I know it is hard. My mom really fought the situation but in the end, she was safe with my dad in the community where my dad was sent for rehab.
My mom passed this last June. I'm thankful that she was safe when she passed but she never really liked the community. She just fought the change. My dad was, and still is, content. We talk weekly and he says he is happy.
It's not an easy situation to adjust to, for anyone involved. You do what you can, you research, and you ask a lot of questions. There is no perfect answer but doing nothing is definitely not the answer. I so wish you good luck and send good thoughts your way. Don't be too hard on yourself, people on this website care and it is a great place for asking questions and finding support.
You have a lot on your plate. You say you are already burnt out.
Listen to this (your burnout messages) and adjust as you can / need to.
This is what I would suggest you consider:
FIRST - The issue of telemarketers is a huge red flag. However she accesses these, learn how to block them (could mean getting her a new phone where you can limit incoming calls) - I would block all internet / computer access. And, of course, she shouldn't have access to any cr cards or banking / finances.
* If you can afford a few hours a week of caregivers, get people in.
* Research volunteers: organizations, churches, neighbors (?), and colleges. Many students want/need experience (on their resume) working with elders... those in nursing, geriatrics, social work, counseling programs). If you can give students a small stipend, all the better. You can even find a student savvy in computers / phones to learn how to block telemarketers.
* You need to make you as much a priority as your mom and husband. I KNOW THIS IS HARD - IF NOT TRICKY or seemingly impossible. However, you are already burnt out so you must make changes for both of them, and for your own well being. You cannot run on empty.
You do a alot and that is heartwarming and commendable. A volunteer or caregiver can easily work with you as you have so many needs in place now.
I would recommend that you start with writing out a NEEDS LIST for new people coming in to help. Writing things down helps everyone understand and clarify what needs are, what is done, not done, needs attention.
"I THNK SHE SPENDS TOO MUCH TIME ALONE" -
A volunteer can help her with this (reading to her, looking through magazines, talking about current events or knitting - whatever interests her), including perhaps giving her a gentle hand massage (it does wonders).
Reach out to your community - many people want to help / support an older person (and an adult child) to be as content / happy / safe / secure as possible. It is the human condition to want good for others - it is what compassion is all about.
Give yourself a hug and more. Do something nice for yourself. You not only deserve it, you need it. Make time for you / alone time. Even starting with 10 minutes at a time will help (as meditation will - just a few minutes a day). I've been on Rick Hanson's Zoom Wed night 6pm meditation for close to two years now ... he is amazing and supports me in many ways - with the meditation, his talk/dharma discussion - fascinating), and meeting some of the close to 400 people worldwide that join him weekly.
* Get support however you can. Zooms can be useful / supportive. Although find what works for you. It is HARD / CHALLENGING to manage needs and not burn out. The best of us do ... while taking care of business and 'trying' / 'wanting' to take care of ourselves. Part of the key is asking for support, reaching out. And, making those 10 minutes a day just for YOU. And, come back here ! we are good people having been through the drenches ... there is a lot of support and compassion in this site.
Gena / Touch Matters
Gena / Touch Matters
Don’t delay - she is not independent anymore and you can’t continue this way.
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