I'm sick myself and the help caring for my Mom is an issue. How do I not lose my temper?

XTANATX I think these so call caregivers are unprofessional to be arguing with each other, dirty looks, undermining each other -- these are actions that may be unspoken! Caregivers need to agree on everything, publicly or otherwise. Hello! find new ones, report them and if they are speaking another language in front of you and your mother that is wrong too sorry just saying. Speak English so everyone knows what is going on. If your Mom prefers one over the other keep her loose the other one.

Xtanatx, sounds like your live-in is starting to get burnt out. With only 2 hours off per day, that doesn't even give her enough time for her own doctor or dentist appointment, nor time to meet up with her friends.

Does the live-in return to her own home every weekend as you mentioned she was late coming in on Sundays. Could it be she attends church on Sunday mornings?

What is your Mom's condition? Would it be easier for everyone, including yourself, depending on Mom's condition, to have her in a retirement home? Or would you lose the cleaning, cooking, and care that you BOTH receive?

Veronica91:
Thank you so much!
I have had to hide every other product.

“You can translate your instruction on the internet, it is free. Give both the English and foreign version because the translation may not be exact.”
I did not know that!

I will try that!

She gets a lot more time off. She comes 3 hours late every Sunday. She is given 2 hours per day off. (Although due to the Sunday “lapse” I had to cancel Monday’s PSW because I would have to pay for the extra time and I canNOT. She was aware of this but somehow forgot but tomorrow she has to do something really important.
On Wednesday she has to do something with an Id (which was already the excuse in January) So I get that day too. She did promise to get someone and pay however this has been forgotten.
I really wonder if she’s going for interviews….

I am physically a mess and cannot do things
So these days off are really hard.

Thank you!

Thanks, Veronica91, if that list is for the live-in, then that would make more sense.... but I still feel it's still a lot of chores to do during the week.

Freqflyer
I think the work list is for the live in not the 2 hr person.

I still think that is a lot of work for one person to do within 2 hours.

What is required on that list for every day or every other day, I just do once a week, if that, and I feel the house is clean enough..... and I have dust allergies. Now if Martha Stewart was going to pay me a visit, that's a different story :)

Well I know what I would do with that list!!!!!!!!!!!!
Simplify it
Keep only the cleaning products you want used in the house
List those products and their purpose ie toilet brush handle with disposable head one in each bathroom.
Clean bathrooms daily
Wipe counters and mop kitchen floor every afternoon.
Change bed linens, towels etc every ? your choice
Thoroughly clean upstairs rooms Tues and Thurs, downstairs Wed and Fri.
Tidy, empty bins and dust daily.
It won't be perfect but also does not insult anyone's intellegence.
As far as the diet is concerned.
Work with a dietitian and come up with a simple menu for mother. Unless the caregiver needs to diet if you require her to eat with mother she should have the same menu but have additional food available in the kitchen or her room.
You can translate your instruction on the internet, it is free. Give both the English and foreign version because the translation may not be exact.
Your LI should have at least 1 1/2 days free per week and a couple of hours in the afternoon.
There should not be much need for interaction between the LI and ourside help unless they need to co-operate over mothers care ie lifting.
You may need to lower your standard a little to achieve peace in the house and reduce your own stress. Don't be breathing down their necks the whole time and they may surprise you. If not time for a staff change.

vstefans, I know what you mean about going behind hubby to clean up the kitchen :) Have the same problem, he's all finished doing the dishes but when I go in the kitchen I noticed he tends to forget the cooking pans from top of the stove.... [sigh].

PSW's don't do any of that stuff. That is housework. A "personal support worker" takes care of the patient only. Read the agency contract. If you have a Live-In this should all be part of a written contract on day one. It would actually create less friction if the responsibilities are clearly divided and only the L_I does the housework. No finger pointing and yelling. If the L_I can't understand English, you need a translator for sure.

XTANATX, just honest feedback, that is a little too much specific detail - they are probably terrifed they will do something out of order or wrong and OMG what if they flush only 5 times not 6... You may do better to specify the things you do NOT want - e.g. "no bleach, we are sensitive" and don't keep any handy either. I have cleaning people once a month and they are not perfect, but they do a nice job and they do it their way - for example, I actualy *like* bleach and Tilex to kill mold dead because I am more allergic to mold than irritated by chlorine...but they use the stuff that they like. They might even feel insulted by being specifically instructed to clean the dish racks, though I am sure you wrote that because you found someone had not done it at least once. .

Years ago I almost laughed when a colleague of mine who used a cleaning service more often commented about how they "weren't as thorough as I would be" but I knew to bite my tongue, because what that reflects is just the guilt of not being able to do it all ourselves. Reality is that you can't totally have it done your way unless you are either doing it yourself, or you are Donald Trump. And yes, I will have to keep saying that to myself when I go behind hubby and clean out the sink drain, microwave the dish sponge that still has food particles and is starting to smell, and put away everything from all over the counter, after he claims he has "done the dishes"... LOL.

Oh my, I got exhausted just reading the instructions.... no, really. I'm not familiar with the term PSW and what a PSW is suppose to do.... but 2 hours a day isn't enough time to get everything done correctly, the PSW would be burnt out in a very short time. Sounds like she already is.

From everything you like to have kept clean around the house you need a professional housecleaner once a week who can jump in and clean her own way [without instructions] and still to your satisfaction.

Overwhelm, vstefans, freqflyer and everybody who are being so helpful:
I think the reading is selective.
After yesterday I don’t think it is just me. My mom gets a PSW for 2 hours daily (home care)
The PSW yesterday is older not too nice HOWEVER my mom really likes her.
The Live_In and PSW were literally screaming at each other. The PSW even slammed my mother’s door.
The L_I was so angry and couldn’t understand the language, so assumed even worse things were said.

The PSW said she’s NOT coming back if this (or close to it) happens again and the L_I said “fine”.
(THIS IS NOT FINE BECAUSE MY MOTHER THE CLIENT LIKES THE WOMAN)
It all had to do with clothing (that fits) not being in IMMEDIATE reach for the PSW…

As for the diet: My mom has gained a lot of weight due to people over feeding her. This is in combo to BEING COMPLETELY SEDENTARY. The 2 “habits” together (especially with sudden onset) can put people (especially aged ones) at higher CVS risks (DM, etc.)
My mother is more than content with what she gets. It is NOT HER asking but instead her being given VERY LARGE amounts if food.
I appreciate the feedback (no pun intended) on her food intake (salt, etc. (She usually gets low or unsalted bread)) – She only like certain brands of cereal. The problem was last week a PSW gave her ½ package of SALTINES in a bowl. I did not know until the L_I told me when she came back after the weekend b/c my mom had ankle edema and I did not know why.

I am concerned about the clarity of the instructions, and how to not lose my patience if for example: The upstairs bathroom HAS NOT BEEN CLEANED SINCE JANUARY!
I have the cleaning instructions here: (I HAVE GIVEN THIS DOCUMENT TO HER FOUR TIMES)
[… START OF CLEANING DOCUMENT …]
*** CLEANING INSTRUCTIONS ***
Tuesday, May 27, 2014
PLEASE USE GREEN WORKS BRAND ONLY
If you are not sure PLEASE ask me!
*** PLEASE DO NOT USE ANY OTHER CLEANING STUFF ***
DO NOT USE BLEACH OR ANY OTHER CLEANING SPRAYS, LIQUIDS, POWDERS ETC. They are ONLY for OUTDOORS ***
ONLY USE GREEN WORKS BRAND

SCHEDULE (DUSTING and VACUUMING)
MONDAY WEDNESDAY and FRIDAY: (3 TIMES PER WEEK)
* KITCHEN
* MAIN FLOOR HALLWAY
* MY MOTHER’S ROOM
* MY MOTHER’S BATHROOM
* STEPS GOING TO SECOND FLOOR.

TUESDAY and FRIDAY (2 TIMES PER WEEK)
* UPSTAIRS HALLWAY – once per week
* UPSTAIRS BEDROOM – {use the Swiffer long-handled duster under beds before vacuuming}
* BATHROOM

ONCE A WEEK: - {NOTE NONE OF THE VACUUM CLEANERS IN BASEMENT WORK}
* STAIRS GOING TO BASEMENT
* HALLWAY IN BASEMENT (NOT THE ROOMS) PLEASE MAKE SURE ALL DOORS TO ROOMS ARE COMPLETELY CLOSED)

INSTRUCTIONS FOR FLOORS
KITCHEN: (WASH ONCE TO TWICE A WEEK)
RED BUCKET AND MOP
1 TEASPOON SUNLIGHT DISH SOAP
AND 1 TABLESPOON MURPHY’S OIL LIQUID
USE LAUNDRY ROOM SINK (BASEMENT) TO FILL and EMPTY the Bucket.
DO NOT use the KITCHEN SINK TO FILL OR EMPTY BUCKET
EMPTY THE DIRTY WATER EITHER INTO MY MOTHER’S TOILET OR INTO LAUNDRY ROOM SINK.
PLEASE NEVER EMPTY BUCKET INTO KITCHEN SINK!

FRIDAYS
MY MOTHER’S BATHROOM AND SHOWER STALL FLOORS:
USE “SWIFFER” PURPLE HANDLED thing ONLY – DO NOT USE VIM or ANYTHING ELSE
USE 1 DISPOSABLE PAD FOR MY MOTHER’S BATHROOM
PLEASE DO SHOWER STALL FLOOR FIRST BEFORE THE BATHROOM FLOOR

USE A FRESH DISPOSABLE PAD FOR THE UPSTAIRS BATHROOM

(ONE DISPOSABLE PAD FOR EACH BATHROOM)
THE DISPOSABLE PADS ARE IN PURPLE COLORED BOX(ES) ON DRIER IN THE LAUNDRY ROOM

UPSTAIRS BATHROOM FLOORS – DISPOSABLE SWIFFER (LIKE MY MOTHER’S ROOM)
*** DO NOT USE THE SAME SWIFFER PAD FOR THE BATHROOMS ***

SINKS WHAT TO USE
* Kitchen
* My mother’s bathroom sink
* Upstairs bathroom sink
PLEASE USE “VIM” (NEEDS TO BE COMPLETELY RINSED)
MAKE SURE TO RINSE THE VIM OUT COMPLETELY

BATHROOM WALLS:
My mother’s bathroom and upstairs bathroom
GREEN WORKS SPRAY

PLEASE MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS COMPLETELY RINSED.

UPSTAIRS BATHTUB
VIM: BUT NEEDS TO BE RINSED OFF COMPLETELY

OTHER
KITCHEN DISH RACKS: PLEASE KEEP KITCHEN DISH RACKS and BOTTOMS CLEAN.

TOILETS:
PLEASE USE TOILET BOWL CLEANER
THE TOILET BRUSH MUST BE COMPLETELY RINSED – FOR UPSTAIRS
FLUSH TOILET AROUND SIX TIMES WITH TOILET BRUSH IN IT.
PLEASE ONLY USE GREEN WORKS BRAND
If you are not sure PLEASE ask me!
If you are not sure PLEASE ask me!
THANK YOU
[… END OF CLEANING DOCUMENT …]

I Iike the L_I and so does my mother!

I don’t want anyone to be burned out and want to keep the area as STRESS-FREE as possible.

I’d like to be able to “translate” the instructions
Problem: I have given the instructions and every time I ask about the documents I’m told that she’s read them and is doing all that they are requiring. BUT THIS IS NOT THE CASE!

Thanks so much again for the help and advice! I greatly appreciate it!
I hope everyone has a good weekend!

XTANATX - When it comes to cereal there is a lot of sodium... best bet is to get shredded wheat which has 0 sodium, if your Mom can eat it, or plain oatmeal and just add blueberries or nuts to give it more flavor.

Bread has a lot of sodium, too. Two slices for a sandwich could be over 300mg in sodium [bread packages show sodium content of ONE slice]. As for the tuna, I would put the tuna in the salad instead of a sandwich.

Puddings screams with sodium.... stick with just Jello or find some other low sodium fun snack. There are low sodium and no salt potato chips that taste good.

As Vstefans had said above, go with the Healthy Choice if you prefer to use a TV dinner.

My household just went to low sodium last month so it is still fresh in my mind as I've been reading Nutrition Facts on the back of all the boxes. So much to remember !!!

And, I just saw the "or" in the lunch menu. I'd go for a BIG salad with protein on it at lunch, or small salad AND a healthy sandwich for sure. Just a small salad wouldn't get me through an afternoon. But I often say to myself, "I'm HUNGRY, and I'm going to get me a big fancy salad and eat every last leaf," and then do it. Walden Farms and some other light or non-fat dressings work for me on that, and "big fancy" does not include cheese and bacon :-).

She probably thinks the diet is too restrictive and Mom is asking for other stuff all the time. Maybe settle for stocking the fridge with yummy healthy foods that she can eat as much as she wants of, get rid of, hide, or place off limits the other stuff, and make sure you are being realistic on weight loss and sodium restriction goals. I take it she's hypertensive and diabetic? Better to go half-way than not at all on that, nevertheless...

I know I'd feel like I was starving on that menu, but if I had to stay close to it, I'd use egg beaters and low fat cheese with some veggies for breakfast instead of just the one soft boiled egg, and a whole frozen dinner instead of half, just picking a Healthy Choice or other lighter variety. I do "live" on low or non-fat ice creams and yogurts - I usually go for the ones with 90-100 calories a half cup and top them with Whole Foods nonfat whip topping and maybe some berries. Also, I add much more fiber to stay full as well. NOT easy, though for me it is well worth the efforts!

The list is very easy to understand does this person know how to read English??

Thank you for the replies!
pamstegman: I am in Ontario, Canada.

vstefans: There may be too many things but they are repeated.

Here is one:
[ ... START OF MENU ...]
MY MOTHERS MENU (SHORT) CHANGED MAY 2014
*** DO NOT USE THE OVEN ***
Tuesday, May 27, 2014

MY MOTHER SHOULD BE TRYING TO LOSE WEIGHT! KEEP QUANTITIES LOW.
SALT RESTRICTION
Do NOT add SALT (OR SEASONING)
NO SOUP NO NOODLE CUPS, NO CRACKERS

BREAKFAST:
ONE SOFT-BOILED EGG
AND
EITHER CEREAL OR BREAD

LUNCH:
ONE SANDWICH: {UNSALTED TUNA FISH, OR UNSALTED SALMON OR EGG)
OR
A SMALL SALAD

SNACK:
PUDDING OR JELLO
FRESH FRUIT AND FRESH VEGETABLES.
ONLY

DINNER: (7:00 – 7:30 PM) HALF OF A FROZEN DINNER ONLY
ONE HALF (1/2) ONLY of a frozen DINNER (White freezer in basement hall)
Put OTHER HALF into fridge (Please label – what it is and the date)
PLEASE EAT WITH HER. SHE REALLY LIKES THE COMPANY!
IF YOU HAVE A REASON NOT TO SIT WITH HER TELL ME.

DESSERT: ICE CREAM – ONLY use ice creams with “MY MOTHER’S NAME” on lid or label
DO NOT give ice cream with “MY NAME” ON THE LID or ON THE Label
(YOU CAN MIX THE ICE CREAM WITH PUDDING)
NO CAKE (much of the cake has expired)
[... END OF MENU ...]

vstefans: Thank you
I have been patiently repeating rewriting, showing examples, (And ending up doing it myself - at times) If it is the latter I don't know what to do?
I have lists but on rereading them I think they may be overwhelming to someone.

I have the menu above.
Thank you all so much!

I guess I should add another possibility... It's kind of a Southern cultural thing. If you don't know how to do something or you think it should not be asked of you, many if not most people will be too "polite" to say so, and will just not do it. I have found this can be overcome, but it takes a LOT of tactfulness to make sure they do not feel threatened. I'm personally not good at non verbal communication and unwritten rules, so it took me a looong time to really figure this out.

Someone not reading lists is either not literate or is blowing off your concerns. Are there too many things rather than the big thing on the lists? Can you share some of the lists, or just what is truly non-negotiable of them?

Go to the tab above Senior Living, click on Home Care and enter your zipcode, there has to be something better available to you. Good Luck.

Hello,
I thank you both!
pamstegman: My doctor has been EXTREMELY unhelpful. I begged her for for 4 years for help with my mother (when I was still mobile), and her best response was to join a support group.

katem8498: That is the problem (1 of): I have written VERY clear lists (instructions). And I have repeatedly talked with her. She is VERY NICE but just does not do it. Does not read the lists and does not say why...
I have been extremely clear and EXTREMELY patient…

I have to keep telling myself how bad it would be without her.

I cannot replace her because the agent is away but has given me 3 others - one was only temporary to begin with; the next left for the Philippines for emergency medical treatment. The 3rd I fired because she would not follow instructions: She could have killed my mother… She could not read (?) at all (?) which was especially dangerous with Rx bottles, menus, etc. (One could not communicate with her)


Thanks again!

Well, if this hired person is not "getting it", can you have a sit-down and a list? I don't know what to say, but I understand the huge frustration you are feeling. Why do you not want to replace her? Or cannot?

If you are sick yourself, you need some respite care, if not for the patient, then at least for yourself. Call your MD and explain your situation, your desperation and see what help is available.