I keep reading comments about how y'all "placed" your loved ones in a home. How? I have been told by multiple homes that I can't place MIL in one without her consent or without guardianship. She can't continue to live with my kids since her behavior is so toxic. But we can't kick her out, either (morally or legally). We started exploring putting her into memory care, but she REFUSES to go; except in the middle of one of her tantrums, where she tries to run away, throws things and says she wants to leave and she hates it here. As soon as we tell her she can go to a home, she breaks down and says she won't go. Every facility I've called has said they won't take her without consent unless we have guardianship. I need a step by step guide or something, cause I am just not getting this!
I'm so sorry for your mom -- she's so young -- and that you have to deal with this...may you get the answers you need and the solution that is best for everyone.
Now the shorter answer to your answer is when it comes right down to it, no one can put her in a "home" if she is outright refusing, even with POA, unless they have guardianship you can't do this against her will. That doesn't mean however that you have no choices. She obviously has some major issues whether they be a disease process, medical condition or psychological there are ways to approach each of these problems which it sure sounds like you need to do not just for you and your family but for her too because clearly she isn't getting the medical help she needs. That's something you can't provide, you can only arrange for it.
So sorry that you are in this stressful situation. Hugs!
Is your husband in the picture?
Are there any other family members that could help?
52 is so young to be having these issues. Wondering if she would be willing to sign papers granting you or your spouse POA? Maybe if you explain that this will enable you to "Help " her with her medical care etc? Then her Doctor could speak to you about her. Sounds like you need a diagnosis!
If you have POA, you are able to place her.
Maybe try contacting Adult Protective Services. They may be able to give you more insight.
Again, POA or guardianship which is hard to obtain seems much needed. Legally her Doctor can't discuss her condition without at the very least having her sign the medical release allowing him to talk to you.
When I moved my Aunt to assisted living, I told her that her home needed repairs and she needed to stay in the new facility for a while. She wasn't happy, but she went. It's called a "therapeutic fib".
Hang in there!
I know how hard you have been working on getting the proper care that she needs, but it is so totally unfair that your family and especially your young children are going through for someone who is fighting you every step of the way. You definitely need to have get her on Medicaid right away if she qualifies, so that when the time comes that she does have an "episode" that sends her to the hospital, you can Refuse to allow her to be discharged home to your home, you will need to be very specific and say that she is an "UNSAFE DISCHARGE", that your home and family life does and can not support her, especially with small children in the home who have challenges of their own, and do not back down to their pleas that they will get you the home support you will need, as from what I have read on here time and time again, those services Never come to fruition.
It will then be up to the Hospital Discharge planners and Social Workers to find you placement. Once she is in placement, you will possibly then be able to get her transferred to another place, but the main thing is that she will be in a safe place and that your family will be able to get back on an even keel.
Look for every opportunity to get her to the hospital for evaluation, whether it's for illness, idea's of suicide, or if she shows signs of agression and outbursts of anger that put your family at risk. There is also a option for a mandatory Mental health hospitalization, if the patient is "acting out", but I don't know much about this, perhaps someone else who does have knowledge about this will pipe in. You may even need police interaction should the situation become aggressive violent, but never allow your children to be in and unsafe situation. Your family should always come first!
Once he ended up in the hospital I was able to say that he is not safe to come to my home, I am not able to care for him safely.
I would do the research on the facilities without her knowing, get a needs assessment done and any vaccinations or tests that she will require for placement, we needed a current TB certificate for my dad. Find a place that you can take her to on short notice and when she throws another tantrum just load her in the car and take her.
I wouldn't tell the facility that she refuses, I would say that she is not happy about it. Who is?
Have you checked into evicting her or is it her house?
Sometimes we have to do really hard things to ensure that our loved one is receiving the best care available. You have to decide what you really think is in her best interest and be willing to do what it takes to get her that care.
Would some in home help be the best option for now? Is her care so labor intensive that she is the only one in the house that gets her needs met? Is everyone just miserable all the time or is it just occasional hiccups?
It is okay if you can't be a caregiver, it is not something everyone can do. You just have to be willing to do what it takes to get changes implemented and that means a willingness to be the bad guy.
Your profile says that your mom is 51, is that correct? Does she have diagnosed mental illness? That changes the story for me. Tantrums from a 51 year old get the police called.
Budget wise, would Mom be able to pay out of pocket for the cost? Or would she need Medicaid [which is different from Medicare] to cover the cost? Memory Care in my area is around $7k per month.
With your Mom's tantrums, you may want to consider having Mom tested for a Urinary Tract Infection as such an infection can cause tantrums, throwing of things, yelling, etc. The test is easy, Mom pees in a cup. If there is an infection then antibiotics are prescribed.