Mom is 89 yrs old. She is mobile with walker, has a bit of dementia starting and in general is not a happy person. She lived with my husband and I for two years. Currently she lives in her own home with my 70 year old brother who still works full time. He is there in the evenings, fixes her dinner, does her laundry, takes care of most medication refills.
I am 65 yrs old and go to mom’s twice a week. I help with housework, yard work, “entertainment”, cooking. I make all medical appointments and drive her there and back. I am POA.
I have been doing this for 10 years.
That is the problem. I am burnt out, exhausted and don’t want to go over there any more. I don’t want to neglect mom, but find her so resistant to any outside help that I suggest. For example, she gets thru her insurance 35 FREE hours of home help per week. She refused to use it and have a stranger in the house. Also, she refuses to try Meals on Wheels.
My husband and a girlfriend say I need to be tough with her and tell her ... not ask what is going to happen.
Any suggestions will be appreciated.
Nancy
It's so hard on daughters. We try so hard to be unconditional and giving and then the years get away. It's good that you are talking about it and looking for options.
I hope you and brother can provide a united front and have an honest discussion about her care. Maybe a nursing home and long term care is the answer. At 89 years old it will only get tougher.
If possible maybe talk to a social worker to access all the social supports available in the community.
1. Talk to your brother. I should lead with the point that good money has been paid out for your mother to have five hours per day of practical and social support, which is currently being thrown away. Also point out the benefits to his peace of mind of daily care - of knowing that he will get home and not walk straight into a sh*tstorm or be immediately bombarded by her needs.
2. Tell, don't ask, both of them that you are not able to continue your level of support. The why of it doesn't matter so much - what they need to take on board is "not doing it. Enough. Not doing it. Not doing it." The point here being that you, not they, have the right to decide what *you* will do. They have the right to decide only what *they* will do.
3. Talk to the service providers available through your mother's insurance. Discuss her needs with them, but also discuss their approach to supporting reluctant clients. Get a feel for what they're able to offer, choose carefully, then let them do their job which includes gaining your mother's acceptance and (eventually!) winning her approval.
"I can't do this anymore, Mom".
"I am not able to come for the next 4 weeks; I am having surgery"
Caregiving is a two way street. It only works when it works for BOTH parties.
Your mother is an adult, not your child; you are under no obligation to provide care for her personally at the expense of your health, sanity or livelihood. She is extremely selfish if she thinks this is the case.
So here we find ourselves, 10 or 15 years into supporting this facade of the elders Independent Living which really means the elder is 100% relying on her CHILDREN to prop her up so she can make believe she's Aging in Place, Independently. Next thing you know, WE need a rest home, a bottle of Xanax every month and a psychiatrist's couch to lie on. We're 60 and suddenly look and feel 80, wondering what happened to OUR life and asking is THIS what retirement is supposed to look and feel like? Clenched teeth and raw nerves, waiting for the phone to ring with another crisis to clean up?
We can't always get what we want. Sometimes we have to get what we need.
Yeah. It's all fun and games trying to enable this lifestyle for the elders, isn't it?
Stop doing it. Hold up the white flag now and surrender. Announce your new plan of doing things for mother and what it will, or will not, look like. Come up with a plan and stick to it like glue. There is no reason why mother should not be using the services she's ALREADY PAID FOR THRU INSURANCE. Get your brother on board too, before he burns out and moves away! Meals on Wheels on X days, in home help on X days, and the cleaning company on X day and the gardener on X day. And if that doesn't work for you mother, Shady Rest Nursing Home has a nice room with your name on it waitin for ya, cuz stick a fork in us, we are DONE.
And that's how you and your brother take back YOUR lives, by setting down rules and boundaries that mother is to abide by. There are THREE lives at stake here, not just one. Yet everyone is always acting like the ONLY life and opinion that matters is the elders. And that's just not true.
You've done enough, it's okay to say No More now. I hope you do.
Let's be honest -- you are burned out, as is your brother, I'm sure. Neither of you can do this indefinitely without suffering from it. The two of you need to provide a united front and let her know that she will be having the help provided by the insurance, Meals on Wheels, and the two of you will be splitting the rest of the chores. Depending on what kind of tasks the help will be doing, you could end up doing little more than the yardwork and the doctor's appointments. The rest of your involvement would be entirely up to you.
I hate to use this analogy with parents, but sadly, it applies -- Elderly parents, especially those with dementia issues, are very much like toddlers. You don't ask a toddler what they want to wear to school, because they'll happily leave the house wearing footie pajamas, a tutu, and a cowboy hat. You give them a choice between two things: Outfit 1 or Outfit 2. The same goes for older parents, because they have a tough time with change and making decisions.
You tell Mom that she has two choices -- having help come in Monday through Friday, or say, Wednesday through Sunday (or whatever breakdown you decide). You don't offer to have help come in or not, you offer a choice between two sets of days and times for the help to come in. The same goes with Meals on Wheels -- do you want Sunday dinner with family, or would you like to do it on Tuesdays? (Meals on Wheels is a given and non-negotiable.)
The good thing with Meals on Wheels, too, is that they give enough food to last for a couple of meals, so she'll have the ability to get out her own food at other times, too.
You need to take back some control over your life. If Mom won't go for this, then the options are help in her house, or moving to a nursing home.
It is also just as much work as cooking with bad results. You still have to dispose of the boxes, heat the dinners in the microwave (trickier than it looks), cut things into pieces, etc etc. There may be other answers. I dunno; maybe it’s a good answer if the alternative is a “home” they don’t want to go to..
Do not pose additional help as a question. Tell her that you can no longer provide the care that she needs.
I am so sorry that you are struggling with this.
I bet your brother would appreciate the help too. Some caregivers will do light housekeeping, laundry and prepare easy meals.
Have you considered placing her in a facility?
Best wishes to you and your family.