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Who are you caring for?
Which best describes their mobility?
How well are they maintaining their hygiene?
How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
Which best describes your loved one's social life?
Acknowledgment of Disclosures and Authorization
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
Remember, this assessment is not a substitute for professional advice.
Share a few details and we will match you to trusted home care in your area:
My Dh has been through a wringer, healthwise for the last 14 years. I have been the chief cook, bottle washer and in house nurse for him, w/o regard for what it was doing for me.
He complained to our kids that I was being lazy (he slept all day long, everyday and I still had to chart him and his meds)--and I was so tired, I'd lay on the LR couch for a little respite. How DARE I???
He's had 5 major 'incidents' that have put him in bed for weeks at a time. He has never acknowledged that I was there for him, 24/7. Never.
I had cancer last year and he chose to spend most of the year traveling. He would be gone 2 weeks and never call nor text me to see if I was doing OK. I was 100% alone. My sweet neighbor brought me meals 3 times a week, and that honestly is what kept me going. Chemotherapy is so brutal--besides the total shutdown of your immune system--there are SO many side effects. I wanted to quit and just let the cancer get me.
He had a man cold over Christmas and I fussed him to no end. At the end of the cold (11 days in bed) I said to him "THIS is what caregiving is about. Just chew on that". He did admit to a friend, not to me, that the cancer had terrified him and he just "couldn't".
He's never going to change, never. When he's sick the world revolves around him. I've thought of divorce, many, many times, but have never followed up. I know he knows I think about it frequently. We are moving next year to a 'retirement style' house--and I seriously think well get a duplex that he can live in one side of and I can live in the other. If we want to get together, we can, but I will cease to clean, cook and fuss him any more.
I had a father like this. He went on disability at 52. My Mom did everything for him. At 77 she asked when she would be able to retire. He told her never and meant it. I did not marry a man like my Dad.
OK, in my opinion a 56 year old man with cancer does not get a free pass like an 86 year old with dementia, anyone who is intentionally being hurtful and abusive doesn't deserve your care or strength. Maybe some respite - a week or two? - is needed for you, which might be an overdue wake up call for him.
Are you certain DHs shortcomings are intentional and purposely meant to hurt you? If so, why do you think he's behaving in this fashion? Is it because his mood has turned foul due to the cancer, do you think? Or is there a possibility his brain has been altered due to dementia or a small stroke or something like that? If there is a medical answer for his behavior, that would be one thing. But if you feel that he's intentionally driving you mad, then you should think about how to get help in the home from caregivers to free YOU up for personal time. Get out of the house; meet with friends; get your hair done; go shopping; take a yoga class to learn how to relax, meditate and shut OUT the outside world. Because YOU matter too, not just DH because he's sick. He will wind up making you sick, too, and that won't be a good thing. Sometimes love isn't enough. Sometimes we have to think about what is required to have a life OURSELVES in addition to caregiving the one we love.
Make a list of what you can do to help YOU. Okay?
Wishing you the best of luck & sending you a big hug, too
This morning, I took my eyes off my dH thinking he was getting ready for work, on schedule. He locked himself in the bathroom to hide that he was installing the toilet paper holder in a new way, making holes in the vanity cabinet, end result, TP is installed hole side up, not left to right, looks awful!
He was headed for being late for work when I discovered he was not getting ready. And he just cannot stop to get ready. OCD or something, not his fault I hope, it is his condition. If he were just deceitful, I would leave.
Boundaries and experience have taught me that I cannot go rushing down the road driving him to work, after pushing him to get ready faster, step by step. He was told to call Uber, and was barely ready for that. The hardest thing is not to 'rescue' him and to maintain my own boundaries.
I came here to calm down. If I did not have AC I would have had to put a pillow over my face and scream! I think it is a New Moon.
In my most recent experience with caregiving, I was subjected to treatment (not by the loved one for whom I was caring), that caused me to question my own value as a human being. That situation was MUCH WORSE than any of the many complicated aspects of caring for the loved one for whom the accuser and I were caring. I spent many painful and useless hours reviewing times when I had shared a loving, positive relationship with my accuser, and also in the many attempts in which a callous disregard of our LO was revealed. At present, I have total care of our LO, and even though her residence is a good local AL, there is a lot to do. I have been able to shift my thinking to the satisfaction of knowing that I do what needs to be done, and ignore whatever conduct erupts. Granted, addressing the needs of a Life Mate in similar circumstances has its own intense difficulties, but in many situations circling around ANY caregiving, DETACHMENT, mentally, emotionally, physically, even very briefly, is very often both a good tool and a potential comfort.
He has cancer. He is living at home. You are his primary caregiver.
What's his prognosis? Who else is involved in his care? - health care professionals, family, friends, support networks, e.g. Are there any decisions to be made about which you might feel conflicted?
If past injuries are impacting on your ability to provide your husband with the care he needs, there is a problem that must be solved as soon as possible. It may be that it can't be solved simply by your thinking "I must do better." It may be that you will have to hand his care over to other people, such as hospice providers. You can love somebody very much indeed and still recognise that his situation demands too much of you, you know.
Care-giving for anyone is a massive undertaking. When your relationship with the person you are caring for is not the best, it can be nearly impossible. Resentment can build, you can become stressed and your own health can suffer. Your hashtags indicate that you are suffering from burnout. There is no magic formula to get a person through a situation like this. At some point, you must decide if other options for care need to be considered. You may have promised, at some point, to be there for your husband “no matter what” and never ask for help, and while that is noble on your part, it can become impossible. You need help if you don’t already have it and more help if you already do. Consider Hospice or home health care to give you a break.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
He complained to our kids that I was being lazy (he slept all day long, everyday and I still had to chart him and his meds)--and I was so tired, I'd lay on the LR couch for a little respite. How DARE I???
He's had 5 major 'incidents' that have put him in bed for weeks at a time. He has never acknowledged that I was there for him, 24/7. Never.
I had cancer last year and he chose to spend most of the year traveling. He would be gone 2 weeks and never call nor text me to see if I was doing OK. I was 100% alone. My sweet neighbor brought me meals 3 times a week, and that honestly is what kept me going. Chemotherapy is so brutal--besides the total shutdown of your immune system--there are SO many side effects. I wanted to quit and just let the cancer get me.
He had a man cold over Christmas and I fussed him to no end. At the end of the cold (11 days in bed) I said to him "THIS is what caregiving is about. Just chew on that". He did admit to a friend, not to me, that the cancer had terrified him and he just "couldn't".
He's never going to change, never. When he's sick the world revolves around him. I've thought of divorce, many, many times, but have never followed up. I know he knows I think about it frequently. We are moving next year to a 'retirement style' house--and I seriously think well get a duplex that he can live in one side of and I can live in the other. If we want to get together, we can, but I will cease to clean, cook and fuss him any more.
Make a list of what you can do to help YOU. Okay?
Wishing you the best of luck & sending you a big hug, too
There will be times, worse than others.
This morning, I took my eyes off my dH thinking he was getting ready for work, on schedule. He locked himself in the bathroom to hide that he was installing the toilet paper holder in a new way, making holes in the vanity cabinet, end result, TP is installed hole side up, not left to right, looks awful!
He was headed for being late for work when I discovered he was not getting ready. And he just cannot stop to get ready. OCD or something, not his fault I hope, it is his condition. If he were just deceitful, I would leave.
Boundaries and experience have taught me that I cannot go rushing down the road driving him to work, after pushing him to get ready faster, step by step. He was told to call Uber, and was barely ready for that. The hardest thing is not to 'rescue' him and to maintain my own boundaries.
I came here to calm down. If I did not have AC I would have had to put a pillow over my face and scream! I think it is a New Moon.
That situation was MUCH WORSE than any of the many complicated aspects of caring for the loved one for whom the accuser and I were caring.
I spent many painful and useless hours reviewing times when I had shared a loving, positive relationship with my accuser, and also in the many attempts in which a callous disregard of our LO was revealed.
At present, I have total care of our LO, and even though her residence is a good local AL, there is a lot to do.
I have been able to shift my thinking to the satisfaction of knowing that I do what needs to be done, and ignore whatever conduct erupts.
Granted, addressing the needs of a Life Mate in similar circumstances has its own intense difficulties, but in many situations circling around ANY caregiving, DETACHMENT, mentally, emotionally, physically, even very briefly, is very often both a good tool and a potential comfort.
He has cancer. He is living at home. You are his primary caregiver.
What's his prognosis?
Who else is involved in his care? - health care professionals, family, friends, support networks, e.g.
Are there any decisions to be made about which you might feel conflicted?
If past injuries are impacting on your ability to provide your husband with the care he needs, there is a problem that must be solved as soon as possible. It may be that it can't be solved simply by your thinking "I must do better." It may be that you will have to hand his care over to other people, such as hospice providers. You can love somebody very much indeed and still recognise that his situation demands too much of you, you know.
What do you think about all this?