How do I respond to my brother's hurtful questions?
My mom has been in an AL with private care givers for 8 months. Her cost of care is 140k a year. She’s 80, 100% cognitive but an extreme fall risk. Been hospitalized/rehab twice before I hired private caregivers. Between her savings and monthly property incomes she has enough for about 10 yrs. After that we can sell one of her rental properties which would give her another 8 yrs. She will never need to sell everything unless she lives to 150! I’m her only daughter and her POA. My 2 brothers seem heartless and only focus on the money. HER money btw. One has asked me several times in heated debates over her cost of care, “how much longer do you think she’s going to live?” I break out in tears with this question. I don’t know how to handle this question and it makes me so confused and depressed. How can her son feel this way? Fyi fantastic mom who sacrificed a lot for her children.
That would be my answer.
But look. Perhaps the outspoken brother is in financial distress of some sort, in which case watching the money fly away at the rate it is doing will be stressful for him and it isn't reasonable to reproach him for that. He can care about your mother AND be very worried about whether her money is being sensibly spent, you know.
Has either brother suggested a more economical way of providing your mother with an equally high quality of care?
You do not need to respond to questions. Hopefully she has made a will and completed end-of-life options with an attorney, if not, you might want to ask her to make an appointment and set up a Zoom meeting.
Set healthy boundaries of self-protection and plan a nice vacation that's not refundable. There are wonderful retreats to consider like Chopra's.
https://chopra.com/retreats?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=GS_NB_COLD_Perfect-Health_Exact&utm_content=WellnessRetreats-Exact_chopra%20retreat&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIn_nO7Oie9wIVLB-tBh1Y6w-7EAAYASABEgL6fvD_BwE
This does two things. First, it turns the pressure back on him, not you. You can even sound concerned and sympathetic. Just keep asking him the questions, not trying to deal with HIS questions.
Second, it’s true that many people grew up expecting an inheritance, and parents expected to provide it. Everything is now different (longer lives, higher costs of care, expectation that old age is self-pay) and it can be quite difficult for many people to adjust. A discussion might bring it out into the open and reduce the persistent questions.
Just something to think about.
How about a simple " I don't know". FOLLOWED by going " no contact ". I can't imagine anyone having to go through this. And I can't imagine continuing a relationship with someone who is so selfish.
So tired of the many who believe they are entitled to an inheritance. Seriously. If parents wind up leaving children something, they should be grateful and view it as a gift, not expected. How about they work hard like our folks did to get ahead? So, they can leave their children something!
There are 7 of us kids, 3 boys and 4 girls. The girls are the ones that have taken on the responsibility of providing for mom. Our response to inconsiderate money statements is as follows: 'Mom and dad (dad passed 14 years ago) worked hard to get what they have. We will use every penny to ensure she is taken care of. No where is it written that any of should receive an inheritance. Get a job and work for what you want like they did.' This statement has stopped the insensitive statements for now.
Lets see if he has the cajones.
Or - reply with a question - how long would you like to see her live?
Whether you think your brother's motive is fear of a smaller inheritance, or not, perhaps repeating this mantra to yourself when he confronts you with an unreasonable question could help: "Consider the source." That removes confusion & emotion, & it could help you frame your answer.
After our mom died, my brother took it to another level. He told me that I'd be subject to prosecution if it were found that I used her money for my own use. (Duh). He's a CPA, he lives hundreds of miles away, & he was not involved in her care. It was hurtful, but I said to myself, "Consider the source." To keep peace in the family, I provided him with our mom's financial records. He asked about some money she inherited 35 years prior to her death. I had no idea what she did with it, told him that, & repeated "Consider the source." Crisis averted.
I still love my brother, but I know that his frame of reference is different from mine. Thinking, "Consider the source" usually helps.
Now as POA, I have to manage my 91yo mother’s care worrying about dwindling funds and where she might wind up if she runs out. And I pray for wisdom to make the best decisions I can for her sake, and for God’s mercy that my mother gets to stay in the AL apartment she loves until she draws her last breath.
Kudos to all the wise people on this forum. Your experience and insights help me so much! Hoping it helps Crystals too!
The next time one of your brothers asks how long your mother is going to live, tell him to ask God because you're not the one who makes that decision.
Your mom may be an extreme fall risk as you say, but she doesn't have dementia so she can enjoy a very active social life if she wants to.
If she uses a wheelchair and also has private caregivers, encourage them and her to start going places if they don't already do this. Shopping, out for lunches, to a casino or bingo if your mom likes that sort of this. Mom ought to start spending her money then see how fast your brother shuts up.
Crystals, you are her POA, so stop telling anyone about your Mom's finances, keeping them private.
Do not participate at all in any discussions with your brother about Mom's private affairs.
Maybe that will help you.
Of course, this will only work if she is 100% cognitive.
You sound like a wonderfully caring daughter who inherited her mother’s smarts! If you became unable to fulfill POA duties, who is the secondary or back-up? Hopefully neither one of your brothers!
As for hosting events, why invite people that cause you grief, particularly those whom you probably won’t speak to again once your mother has taken the journey? If your mother being alive is the only thing you have in common with your brothers, and they’re already anticipating her death, what would be the reason to continue socializing with them. Spend it with those that celebrate who your mother IS, not those who will celebrate when she’s gone.
I do not have this issue (yet), but I am my mom's sole caregiver and have been for many years. I have two siblings; my brother lives in the same state, only about 25 miles away and my sister lives in NYC. They have not helped in any way. I have my mom's POA and I'm so happy to hear that you have your mother's.
I assume your mom has a will? If not, you two should talk to an elder care lawyer immediately. It's fortunate that your mom has the means to pay for her care, but I can also see your selfish siblings wanting those means to not decrease so they can get more money. The things your brothers ask about your mom's "value" is unimaginable. I sense that you have not told your mom about these questions and comments. I don't know your specific relationship with her, but if I were in your shoes, I would tell her and reveal how awful it makes you feel. If she's so smart, she'll support you. Who knows? Maybe she'll want to amend her will?
At the very least I hope you all can have a conversation about this. Bring in a mediator, if need be. Above all, remember this:
Brothers have been torturing sisters all over the world, in every country and for too many years.
Best of luck,
Boo
We saw what fighting could do. Our uncle was horrible to our grandmother. She wanted to visit with him in her later years, but could not be on her own. She planned a very long trip with help from my mother to visit her son half a world a way and stay with him and his family. Shortly before he said she’d have to stay in an apartment down the street because his wife did not want her staying in the house at night. The trip was canceled. The next time he was divorced, and she was going to stay with him in his apartment. She had the beginnings of dementia and couldn’t be by herself. The day before she was to leave, he informed everyone that she’d have to be in her own place. The end result was that she disinherited him. He didn’t visit her where she lived, didn’t write, didn’t call, just disappeared. He received $1 & was furious. my grandmother made sure to have her mental state evaluated by 3 doctors at the time to ensure the her will would withstand any difficulty and my mother refused to be the executor- my father was, so she wouldn’t be in the middle of things. He thought he had been tricked because of inheritance laws in Switzerland being different from the US. It was complicated. He did everything to make my mother unhappy as well. It gave him pleasure to turn people against each other-just a very unhappy man.
When our mother passed, my sisters and I were devastated. We still miss her years later. I remember her at the point of deciding to either move into independent living or an apartment unaffiliated with independent living or moving in with one of my sisters. I knew she did not want to move in with any of my sisters. My family had lived with her for the previous 14 and it had an expiration date - arranged at the very beginning. She was unhappy it ended initially, but then said it was the best thing - which I agree was, because the house we ere in was too big, too much, too far from services and selling gave both of us a chance to move on to something better.
I knew she didn’t want the apartment, because of an example of one of her friends mother who moved to an apartment and then her friends stopped visiting because it was too difficult to walk up stairs. My sisters were very much for the apartment. I asked her what do you want? Have you thought about it? If independent living is what you want, then do that. It sounds like a fine idea to me - companionship when you want with activities, and your own place where you can entertain as you please and continue your business (she was still working part-time). It was perfect for her. My sisters came around.
Your mother knows who is the responsible person, and that is you. It doesn’t matter if you have a snappy retort to your brother. I hope your mother lives a very long time with good mental acuity and enjoys the pleasure of your company and assistance. When asked how long she will live by your brother, the answer is forever.
Set your boundaries and stick to them. If they call and start on you, say goodbye and hang up. If they send you a nasty gram, don't reply.
They cannot walk on your back unless you are laying on the ground, stand up and defend your position by setting those boundaries.
They bully because they can, and you tolerate it. You answer questions, and allow it to continue.
Give them one warning, then walk away, or hang up the phone.
You have to get a backbone bone and stick to it. People only bully others who allow it.
What my mom taught me when I was a kid and getting bullied was to practice smart comebacks. See yourself hanging up the phone. See yourself in your mind sticking up for yourself. Practice several scenarios in your mind, until you have multiple comments to shut it down. You have to have several at the ready. If they continue harassing you, follow thru with hanging up or leaving. Do not feel guilty for sticking up for yourself! That is what normal people do. They don't tolerate disrespect. Instead of feeling guilty over it, pat yourself on the back, you are a grown woman, and stand up for yourself. They need to learn they don't get to bully you. You aren't a child any more, you dont have to tolerate disrespect. You arent working for them. You dont have to answer to them. You are doing those things for your mom. We are taught to be nice, and it is hard to stand up for yourself. The first or second time, you will feel guilty and mad you had to do it. But you need to set a HEALTHY boundary. Everyone in life must learn this lesson to stick up for themselves. So if you feel guilty, turn that around and pat yourself on your back you protected YOU. It will hurt less and less the more you do it. Good luck.