I have been getting mounting pressure from my mom and siblings to take my mother in my home and care for her. She lives alone now and does ok. I care for her as much as possible as I live an hour away and work full time. But I am seeing signs of mild dementia on and off. Her personality changes and incontinence issues are the biggest things. She has been pressuring me for some time but now my brother and sister are doing and saying little things that make me think they want me to take her. Mom is 93 and I am in my sixties. My brother is in his mid seventies and my sister has a disabled son. So they cannot do it. How can I say no and have them understand that I just don’t want to be tied down to a 93 year old person with dementia just when I can start living my life. I have sacrificed for a long time. Working to put my kids through college. It was tough for years. Now I am finally on my feet and close to retirement. I’d like to have some leisure time for myself. I could still care for mom but just don’t want her in my house 24/7. She’s a handful. But it just doesn’t go down well with them.
You don't need to justify to anyone why you do what you do. The answer is no. Plain and simple. They don't need to like it, they don't need to understand it (but I bet your siblings do understand) they just need to accept it.
Don't let them bully you into doing something you don't want to do.
Dementia is a one way street. It does not get better. But it IS better to get someone with early dementia into a facility while they still have some skills that will allow them to adjust.
You are perfectly justified in saying that moving in with you is not the best care plan for mom. She needs professionals, not tired and retired children, caring for her.
HUGS 🤗!!!
But different things are a constant struggle, and I have no life outside of home. Be strong, say NO, don't let it get started. Find a good place for her to live in assisted living and then you and your siblings can visit.
It is a constant struggle for instance having her use her walker, bending over to pick things up. She is SO unsteady. She constantly leaves her walker in a different room and "forgets" it vs. purposely leaves it. Her vision and hearing are not good. Memory so-so. She is a very young 95 and very healthy; I see her living to and past 100. I love my mom very much, but if she has one bad fall and breaks anything, she will wind up in a nursing home for sure.
I have asked him to say "yes" to helping me find somewhere that will give me the care i need 7x24 by trained professionals.
I have asked him to say "yes" to visiting me, being my son, being involved in my life.
You don't have to be hands on "no" to still be an involved and loving child.
You would also have to imagine expecting your children to make the necessary sacrifices, which I for one hope will remain unthinkable.
I also see Kimber166 posted something similar. It's kind of a silly question to ask oneself. Knowing what I know now about dementia and what I deal with at my age without the 24/7 hands-on is tough and I WON'T expect my kids to do any more than I did. The decision has to be based on what you feel you can do yourself, not what some other person thinks (or demands) you should do.
What are her finances? Can she afford an assisted living place? Can she afford hiring her own in-home caregivers? Why hasn't that been considered? I hope the attitude isn't that "Mama will never go into a home."
Whatever you do, do NOT take her temporarily "to see how it goes." Say no and mean it from the beginning.
As for the guilt, it is being spoon fed to OP by siblings and maybe mom - PLUS you (and others like you.) The guilt is not about wanting to have a life.
Also, the statement you made "...the decision you make will be one you will live with for the rest of your life." is NOT true, it is only another layer of guilt from one of the 'guilt trip travel agents' we are hearing about. If OP had a change of heart, or felt capable at some later point to take mom in, the decision CAN be undone. Most decisions can be changed. The only decision that has been final in my own experience is euthanasia. Can't bring back any of my cats once that decision has been made and acted on. ANYTHING else CAN be changed, but I don't see any reason why OP *must* take her mother in and ruin her life and health just to gratify the guilt-trippers, whether they be family, friends or some know-it-all on a forum.
As I posted once before, I knew a widow who was taking care of a still-older person in her home (I believe she was earning some extra money this way). I mentioned that the older woman always seemed so pleasant when I visited. The caretaking woman said "Oh, you haven't seen what she's like when no one is visiting!" Some people spend their entire lives being "two-faced", and it certainly doesn't improve when they get older, especially if dementia creeps into the picture! (And some who WEREN'T normally two-faced become that way due to dementia which STILL causes problems even if the caretaker tries to overlook it.)
I hope the OP takes the warnings, posted by so many here from first-hand experience, seriously!
If finances allow, could 24/7 care be paid for if she did live in your home? That could be an option and you would be free to carry on with things you planned for retirement life. Financial situation is going to determine what kind of paid help you could get or type of facility she could live in. You might start the conversation there.
I am currently doing very little for my mother as my sisters and I decided that only one should go to Mom's during this crisis. Until I was completely free to do my gardening and run my life without those commitments, I had no idea how much stress a day or two with Mom each week added to my life. All of my sisters agree with me that we are glad we did not let Mom come and live with any of us. We are all in our late 60's/70's and it is more than enough stress to spend a day or two per week at Mom's house. At this point, I wish I had never been willing to "care" for my mother at all. I love visiting her, talking to her on the phone. I simply do not want the responsibility of her inabilities and her constantly deteriorating mind, body, and house. I wish that I had taken a few years between work and my own old age to do some travel, have some fun.
Be assured, if your Mom needs 24/7 care it is not possible for you or anyone else to do it alone. If she needs that kind of care she needs residential care, not an enslaved daughter. Say "No" and mean it.
Has mom been diagnosed with dementia? If not, a doctor visit is the next step.
Does mom have have will, Powers of Attorney (medical and financial), and living will or Do Not Resuscitate documents? If not, then a trip to a family lawyer is required.
It is initially a lot of work, but eventually it becomes more manageable.
I mean mom's sacrifice so much themselves raising kids.
What's hard is the guilt you may feel about saying no. You need to recognize you are placing this pressure on yourself. If mom has assets or income to support it, it's time for assisted living. If she doesn't have the finances, contact your county's office on services for the aging. See what day programs are available for social engagement (once the covid nightmare is manageable). Are there waivers available for some daily home care? There are likely a lot of programs you don't know about. Explore them.
But, first decide that your mom is NOT going to move in with you. Your siblings 'can't' take her in and neither can you.
It seems to me that having Mom move in with you doesn't truly solve everything.
You say she does "ok" right now, however, you are seeing her mental decline.
You work fulltime. And sibs are unable to care for her.
Is Mom able to afford an in home caregiver?
Eventually Mom will reach the point that she is unable to safely be alone.
Most of us on this site understand how painful these decisions are.
You have to make the decision that you can live with!
You want Mom to be safe and well cared for, but you don't want to be resentful either.
Hang in there!
God bless!!
Whenever I offer a reason for saying no, I end up having to justify the decision over and over. I have learned that No is a complete sentence. Say No.
My husband's family has a habit of speaking indirectly. I have found it helpful to restate what they are saying "Are you saying I should be doing more to help with Mom?" "Are you saying we should visit more often?" I find it very helpful to make sure that I am interpreting the indirect comments properly and not receiving the wrong messages. It also brings the issue front and center so I can clearly communicate with them. I don't understand talking in hints. So much miscommunication can go on.
The best you can hope for is that they will work with you in finding the best solution for your mother's care. Just hinting or saying you should do it, what makes it better for you than them? Just because you might be a bit younger and almost done with full time employment? Not a good reason.
Do also work on getting everything needed in order - POAs, will, trust for assets, etc and research all the options. Every facility and every EC attorney will have different costs and offerings, so you'll have to research a lot while making plans! As noted in some of my responses to others, even the non-hands-on care takes a lot of time and effort, but you can remain your mother's daughter AND advocate for her without taking on the 24/7 care!
I share as have been there. Adjustment now is better for your mother and this does not mean not being involved.
My best to you and your mother.