I have been getting mounting pressure from my mom and siblings to take my mother in my home and care for her. She lives alone now and does ok. I care for her as much as possible as I live an hour away and work full time. But I am seeing signs of mild dementia on and off. Her personality changes and incontinence issues are the biggest things. She has been pressuring me for some time but now my brother and sister are doing and saying little things that make me think they want me to take her. Mom is 93 and I am in my sixties. My brother is in his mid seventies and my sister has a disabled son. So they cannot do it. How can I say no and have them understand that I just don’t want to be tied down to a 93 year old person with dementia just when I can start living my life. I have sacrificed for a long time. Working to put my kids through college. It was tough for years. Now I am finally on my feet and close to retirement. I’d like to have some leisure time for myself. I could still care for mom but just don’t want her in my house 24/7. She’s a handful. But it just doesn’t go down well with them.
I would also add, that IME, whatever help your siblings promise you, either in terms of helping you or financial, they will actually do less They will have issues (everyone does) that means they cannot visit as much, or cannot pay an aid as much. They will never call you and say, heah, I got an extra bonus, could you use more time with an aid? Or my own kid will be at disabled camp, do you want me to come down and help? Nope, it will ALWAYS be THEY need a break or they need the money. You will be stuck. Do not be the patsy.
I haven’t read any of the other responses but I need to say this to you. Trust me, after I give you a reality check I’ll give you advise. Your mother gave up a lot to raise 3 children. I hope you are grateful for that. At 93 your mother doesn’t have much time left on this planet. Incontinence and dementia are signs that her body is giving out. I don’t know if she has any other medical issues that may hasten her demise. That’s a reality check. I’m guessing a few months to 2 or so years.
I’m not sure who you are trying to say no to, your mother, your siblings or yourself? You are her children and between the three of you you must find a solution. Little hints and nuances aren’t going to cut here. Be the adults that you are and sit with your siblings and discuss the situation, the options and everyone’s feelings.
The bottom line here is money. Does she have long term care insurance? Can she afford to go into a skilled nursing home? incontinence is very very difficult to deal with if your mom is in denial about it. But if you can’t/won’t take her you best start thinking about options. This is NOT about saying no, it’s about finding a solution. Try on some gratitude, put a warm coat of empathy over it and top it with a big brimmed hat full of love. I know that you will find a solution. Your mom needs you now. Find a way to help her.
with love and light
Sabrina
The other kids have made it clear they wont help. OP should not drive herself to an early grave doing this on her own.
Mom will have to spend her money on a care facility, and when it runs out, rely on Medicaid. An eldercare attorney or a geriatric manager can help.
May I suggest that instead of saying "no"...you kindly explain the necessary care and you want her to be safe. Having dementia is a scary thing and their memory loss backs up. Although my mom didn't forget me or my 3 brothers, she was constantly calling for her Momma. This disease robs its victims of everything. About 1 year before my mom passed, she would choke on eating simple soft foods, every now and then. This is something to be aware of, as in the end she was aspirating her food. She was in the hospital as she started retaining water also, blood pressure was high, O2 was low. Her doctor knew not to resuscitate and we were told she would luve 1 to 4 weeks longer. I immediately called hospice to care for her at her memory care facility after she went back. Unfortunately or maybe fortunately, she passed the next day and never made it back to that unfamiliar place. I did go to see her 3 to 4 times a week...it kept her grounded and the large residential home (8 residents) could learn more about her with me there. The photo album I made really helped also.
Good luck to you. This is so unfair but like everything else, it doesn't last long.
Sometimes alot of *I wish..* comes out. I wish this or wish that. That's ok. (We all wish not to get old need & help).
After the wishes, then finding out what real options there are. Living with sib 1, 2 & 3 are out so what remains.
If sibs actually go so far as say Mother living with you is THEIR preferred option, kindly remind them that YOU decide YOUR life, not them. Just as they decide their lives.
I'm sure you can have a good chat & make a plan for the future. Remember to ask Mother what are her wishes as well. That may or may not be possible but will help shape the direction - what's important to her the most.
In her heart she wanted to do what she felt was right and I knew that. I don't want to live with her. If I get to a point I need to move, I trust I will have my wits about me to do so. You are saving everyone from getting weary and exhausted. Look brightly up, you have so many options - just don't do like some and put their parents away and then never look back. You will have a rich relationship by making sure your Mom is somewhere where she can live happily.
Do NOT let anyone guilt you into taking care of her. It will be worse than you think it will be.