I have been getting mounting pressure from my mom and siblings to take my mother in my home and care for her. She lives alone now and does ok. I care for her as much as possible as I live an hour away and work full time. But I am seeing signs of mild dementia on and off. Her personality changes and incontinence issues are the biggest things. She has been pressuring me for some time but now my brother and sister are doing and saying little things that make me think they want me to take her. Mom is 93 and I am in my sixties. My brother is in his mid seventies and my sister has a disabled son. So they cannot do it. How can I say no and have them understand that I just don’t want to be tied down to a 93 year old person with dementia just when I can start living my life. I have sacrificed for a long time. Working to put my kids through college. It was tough for years. Now I am finally on my feet and close to retirement. I’d like to have some leisure time for myself. I could still care for mom but just don’t want her in my house 24/7. She’s a handful. But it just doesn’t go down well with them.
As I posted once before, I knew a widow who was taking care of a still-older person in her home (I believe she was earning some extra money this way). I mentioned that the older woman always seemed so pleasant when I visited. The caretaking woman said "Oh, you haven't seen what she's like when no one is visiting!" Some people spend their entire lives being "two-faced", and it certainly doesn't improve when they get older, especially if dementia creeps into the picture! (And some who WEREN'T normally two-faced become that way due to dementia which STILL causes problems even if the caretaker tries to overlook it.)
I hope the OP takes the warnings, posted by so many here from first-hand experience, seriously!
As for the guilt, it is being spoon fed to OP by siblings and maybe mom - PLUS you (and others like you.) The guilt is not about wanting to have a life.
Also, the statement you made "...the decision you make will be one you will live with for the rest of your life." is NOT true, it is only another layer of guilt from one of the 'guilt trip travel agents' we are hearing about. If OP had a change of heart, or felt capable at some later point to take mom in, the decision CAN be undone. Most decisions can be changed. The only decision that has been final in my own experience is euthanasia. Can't bring back any of my cats once that decision has been made and acted on. ANYTHING else CAN be changed, but I don't see any reason why OP *must* take her mother in and ruin her life and health just to gratify the guilt-trippers, whether they be family, friends or some know-it-all on a forum.
What are her finances? Can she afford an assisted living place? Can she afford hiring her own in-home caregivers? Why hasn't that been considered? I hope the attitude isn't that "Mama will never go into a home."
Whatever you do, do NOT take her temporarily "to see how it goes." Say no and mean it from the beginning.
You would also have to imagine expecting your children to make the necessary sacrifices, which I for one hope will remain unthinkable.
I also see Kimber166 posted something similar. It's kind of a silly question to ask oneself. Knowing what I know now about dementia and what I deal with at my age without the 24/7 hands-on is tough and I WON'T expect my kids to do any more than I did. The decision has to be based on what you feel you can do yourself, not what some other person thinks (or demands) you should do.
I have asked him to say "yes" to helping me find somewhere that will give me the care i need 7x24 by trained professionals.
I have asked him to say "yes" to visiting me, being my son, being involved in my life.
You don't have to be hands on "no" to still be an involved and loving child.
But different things are a constant struggle, and I have no life outside of home. Be strong, say NO, don't let it get started. Find a good place for her to live in assisted living and then you and your siblings can visit.
It is a constant struggle for instance having her use her walker, bending over to pick things up. She is SO unsteady. She constantly leaves her walker in a different room and "forgets" it vs. purposely leaves it. Her vision and hearing are not good. Memory so-so. She is a very young 95 and very healthy; I see her living to and past 100. I love my mom very much, but if she has one bad fall and breaks anything, she will wind up in a nursing home for sure.
HUGS 🤗!!!
Dementia is a one way street. It does not get better. But it IS better to get someone with early dementia into a facility while they still have some skills that will allow them to adjust.
You are perfectly justified in saying that moving in with you is not the best care plan for mom. She needs professionals, not tired and retired children, caring for her.
Don't let them bully you into doing something you don't want to do.
You don't need to justify to anyone why you do what you do. The answer is no. Plain and simple. They don't need to like it, they don't need to understand it (but I bet your siblings do understand) they just need to accept it.
This is the situation the Goody-Two-Shoes don't get and/or don't experience. I knew my mother would be difficult to live with even without dementia, but after? Nope. She also outweighs me, so I can't support her weight.
It is a shame you couldn't organize a respite and do at least ONE trip somewhere!!! Hopefully things will get a bit better, but maybe you can just "pretend." Get a nice big screen and bring up various places you always wanted to go and browse the images/videos. Meanwhile, dress up as if you are there, make special meals, etc!
I managed a few trips when I was much younger, but really don't have the desire to go all those places. I can see things much better online! Sure, it takes the fun out, but really the cost and inconveniences and/or disappointment that some places aren't what they are cracked up to be kind do it for me! You can always keep your "travels" more local. I never saw the appeal of cruises myself, and certainly wouldn't want to consider one now! Not much better considering flights, airports, traffic, etc - yech.
Try to make the best of things, now that she is out of your hair!
guilt trip. You have carefully considered the facts of your situation. If you are POA, this is not the last decision made where you will stand alone. Being courageous is an uncomfortable thing - but it is nor deadly.
she is incapable of doing anything for herself. I had to schedule all my appointments on my husband’s day off like doctor dentist etc. or I would have to bring her. I left my job 4 years ago to care for her I am turning 65 this month. I have no feelings of freedom. Think about it I have no siblings I am an only child. You get invited to a wedding, BD, baby shower, etc. you can’t go unless you bring your mother, and do they have a handicap entrance or bathroom. It is just simpler to say I cannot attend.
Think about it, long and hard.
The only time I get freedom is when we put her in respite for vacation that is heaven for me. I did find a daycare finally that I used maybe 3 times that was good also I could do my shopping and appointments without her. But I still have to get her up feed her dress her transport her to a certain time and then pick her up.
after 4 years I just want to get up and not have to do anything for her. And she doesn’t know who I am, just some friend who takes care of her. Keep your life!
We are retired and have not been able to do much. She is a 24/7 needs person. Cannot leave her with anyone (she will fall and we will get a call to come back or whatever). Seven years ago, I said yes and the last 2 years have been the worst. Remember, she will get worst and worst with time. JUST SAY NO. Make other arrangements for her. We get help from caregivers during the day, but still can't go far from the house. Good Luck
God bless you and your siblings. I truly hope you have a change of ❤️ Heart.
From someone who had lots of therapy to say "no" - you can start the conversation politely "what options should we consider for mom's future care?" with your siblings. if they nominate you - politely decline "no, i am not able to do that, her care needs are beyond my ability and will only increase" and do not explain more. Any argument about wanting leisure time, etc will be railroaded by siblings. The explanation is that mom needs more care than you can provide - so the conversation needs to be around where will she get that care - what type of living arrangement. (assisted living, etc)
An arrangement that does not depend on you to spend 24/7 or significant time being hands on. You will have involvement in her care as will your siblings. But you will not be providing the hands on care.
Tell them right off the bat....you taking her into your home is not an option. None of you will be capable of caring for all her needs and you are smart enough to know hiring help will never be enough...so let's just forget that and move on to other options.
You need to deal with this before she has an 'incident' happen and you have to find placement for her quickly. Often people make a snap decision to take a parent in 'for just a little while' and it ends up permanent. Don't do it. Get ahead of this and start making a plan of action WITH your siblings.
Depending on their responses/reactions, it may be WITHOUT your siblings, but it still doesn't mean you have to take her into your home or move into hers, it would just mean making the decisions yourself.
Siblings can be a real PITA, growing up and as adults too! Some are not like that, and it is refreshing to hear from those that aren't!
I think meeting with your siblings to put the subject of mum's increasing needs and care on the table is a good idea, so the hints can be openly voiced, options discussed and duties shared, as appropriate. I made it clear for years that I would not take my mother into my home. I did agree to be POA financial and medical which is something that needs to be discussed with your mum and sibs. If she is in early dementia she can still appoint a POA. That needs to be done asap.
When mum pressures you about moving to your home, gently answer that you love her and will always see that she is looked after. She is probably sensing her own decline and needs reassurance that her offspring will care for her.
You and your sibs need to discuss and look into suitable facilities, financial resources (medicaid application if there aren't any), and evaluation of your mum's dementia. She needs to have a needs assessment so you know what type of facility she would fit into.
"How can I say no and have them understand that I just don’t want to be tied down to a 93 year old person with dementia just when I can start living my life."
You can say no even if they don't understand. That they understand is not necessary. It would be nice and might help cooperation, but it is not necessary. You say it will not go down well with your sibs. You are not alone. Many here have critical sibs, who, on the other hand will not lift a finger to help. We get a tougher skin, look after ourselves and look after our parent as works for us. Having POA and being a supportive daughter is still a lot of work.
Stay firm, don't explain, state what you are prepared and not prepared to do, don't expect understanding. If you get it great. If not, oh well.
I was POA from a distance - physically and emotionally. Both my mother was and my sister is a handful, to say the least. Mother finally passed in 2018 aged 106 in a nursing home, having been first in assisted living. I was 80 at the time. You are wise to plan for some enjoyment in your retirement. I managed to have some trips and new experiences even though I was POA and aging myself.
Please come back and let us know how you are and how things are going. ((((((hugs))))))