He has a very strong personality & hasn’t accepted that he is slipping mentally. He was stopped for a broken tail light and the officer noticed that he was confused and couldn’t answer simple questions. He is focused and on top of things one minute and forgets things the next. I have his car now “for repairs” & he calls every half hour to see when I’m bringing it back. Because of his traffic stop, he will be required to be retested and I’m assuming he will not pass. He will probably need assisted living or nursing care soon, but how do I, as just a sister-in-law, convince this stubborn man that he must make these major life changes when he feels he’s just fine? I have his medical and general POA, but he still must agree to these changes.
I agree with other commenters who suggest taking one thing at a time with him. This is a huge life change for him and he needs some time to wrap his head around it (if he can). You will just get resistance. Do you have a Durable PoA? This may alleviate the need to have a confirming diagnosis of incapacity in order to continue to act as his PoA. Help him deal with each change as they come, as much as he lets you. If he's having cognitive difficulties they will only get worse, unless he has an undiagnosed, untreated UTI which can mimic the symptoms of dementia or worsen ones that already exist. It's a little trickier trying to be a caregiver when you're not the same gender...he may not be as forthcoming with information that is sensitive or embarrassing to him. Stubbornness is not uncommon in elderly LOs as they cope with the frightening changes he is experiencing and doesn't know how to or is able to handle. Wishing you well!
You need to prioritize here. BIL has already proved that he can no longer drive. He may have blown off his traffic stop and even blamed the officer, denying that he is an impaired driver. Driving is one of our last vestiges of independence as older adults. No one wants to rely on adult children or other relatives to take us up to Mickey D’s when we get a hankering for a Big Mac. We want to jump in our car and drive ourselves there. However, what if we have a fender bender, or worse, on the way there? What if we forget how to get back home?
BIL is most likely aware that he’s having issues but doesn’t want to face facts. Simple solution; the repairs to the car are so costly that it cannot be fixed. Everyone who comes in contact with him needs to know this story. Be available to him to make those trips to Mickey D’s. Don’t leave him stuck at home with no way to get out.
Best wishes. I know how difficult this is. Went through it with hubby when he almost nailed someone in a crosswalk and claimed he “never saw them.”
stop driving
move to an ALF
move to an SNF
you galloped on pretty fast from the car issue - which actually you seem to be handling very deftly - to having your BIL packed up and shipped off to a nursing home. One thing at a time!
Do you need to convince him of anything? You have the car safely out of the way. His calling you every half hour about it must be jolly annoying but is further evidence of his fading faculties. He won't get his driving privileges back. Time will pass, unfortunately his mental state will deteriorate, and his requiring rescue at some point and then ongoing care sounds as if it will be a matter of course.
If you can get contingency plans in place, ready for when they're needed, do you need to make him agree to them in advance? I agree that it is actually better for a person to walk in to a facility of his choice than to be wheeled in to one with no choice about it at all, and you could try putting the proposal to him that way, but if it's going to put his back up to no purpose then keep it for later.