How do we handle days like this?

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How do we handle days like this?

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It has been one of those days. I woke this morning. I bought my mother a coffee maker because she has been asking for one. I saw her busy at the machine, so let her be. I like it when she does what she can. She was only making two cups of coffee, but she filled the filter with enough coffee for a big pot. She ran some more water through trying to get the coffee dilute. It was an awful mess. We talked about how much coffee to use. No problem, really. I know it was a challenge for her. I told her I didn't want any coffee and she asked me why in the world I had bought the pot if I wasn't going to drink coffee?

She didn't go back to bed -- understandable with that strong coffee! :-D She wanted to talk. It was the most confusing talk that was twisting my head about as I was trying to get things done. At lunchtime I planned on having some Italian pasta that was leftover from dinner. I searched the refrigerator, but it was nowhere in sight. I asked about it and she said she'd thrown it in the yard for the birds. She said she didn't want me to try to serve it again, and never to buy it again. I looked outside and there it was -- noodles and Italian sausage in tomato sauce sitting in bits in the front yard. I prayed some stray dog would find it and clean it up. But no problem, really. Things like this happen in the world of dementia.

Then she was looking outside and decided our neighbors had turned their water drain spouts to send water into our yard. She said she was going to talk with them and didn't care what they thought. Our neighbors are sweet people. I assured Mom that they hadn't done anything wrong. She didn't listen. She called someone and started crying about what these neighbors were doing to her yard. Sigh. I see an obsessive problem brewing. She wouldn't stop talking about it. I told her a good solution would be to move. No, she said. This was her house, and yada yada.

I had enough of the day and retreated to my room. Fortunately, I had an order that I had to fill that distracted me. It had rained steadily all day, so I hadn't been able to get out for a walk. It was kind of nice to head to the post office. I talked to the clerk there. The normal conversation was so refreshing. My mind can end up feeling so twisted that things can start to seem like all confusion after a while. How do we cope with such confusion?

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My MIL has been seeing people, and she swears they are real. It totally freaks me out.
Today, she started yelling "she's got a knife" and I thought she was talking in her sleep. I am alone with her 12 hours a day, as my husband works an hour away.
I need a break, and there's no one to help, no one. I would love to have someone to talk to.

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Problem, I think all of us with a parent with Dementia/Alzhiemers know this deep down. But one day they can and the next day they can't. One day they do whatever u ask of them, the next day they feel they r being bossed round. Its hard to get acclimated when things keep changing. This is the hard part for me.

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And THANK YOU ALL for your comments just reading them and knowing I'm not alone helps me tremendously!

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Niyah, you are spot on. Sometimes it feels like every decision I make is wrong and mean, when in reality its just protecting my dad and doing what is normal and rational

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I found the answer to hot water for those who can't boil water or use the microwave. There's a $20 pot by proctor silex that I have a pretty crystal creamer, holds about a mugs worth of water next to it, and I pour that water in the hot pot, flip a little switch, and you can hear it boil. It is quicker than a mwave or the stove, I swear. Once you see it boiling (it has a window on the side) you pour it in a cup (with instant coffee or a tea bag) and voila. After less than a minute, it turns itself off, whether there's water in it or not. It will never boil away, it turns off regardless. Don't know how I lived without it.

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Your mom doesn't have the skill set to make 2 or 12 cups of coffee. Sadly, she's lost that. DON'T LET HER MAKE YOU LOSE YOUR SKILL SET!

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I have regular appointments with a therapist to help me cope with - among many other things - the responsibility of dealing with my mentally ill and now ailing mom. Her neediness has been my responsibility nearly my entire life. No help from other family members. Long story short she is now in a nursing home. A great relief but the therapy is still an important part of having someone to talk to who can help get through it without going crazy.

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my mom has been gone for nearly 3 years now . i feel like the grieving and sense of loss are gone but when i look back on her final 12 months of life i wonder how i survived it . her dementia was complicated by extreme bipolar . you cant have emotional stability when youre responsible for something resembling krusty the clown on crack .. before she passed away a schitzo disorder , paranoia , and of course round the clock hallucinations all made their appearance . it was very difficult .

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I'm with you. My problem is one day Mom can, the next day she can't. If ur Mo has Dementia, trying to teach her something new won't work. Short term is first to go. Maybe making up pre measured bags would be good? Hide the coffee. I would have a talk with the neighbors telling them how Mom now is and just to play along. Moms friends thought she was Ok. She would tell them things that never happened. She gets TV and reality confused. So, I had to tell them.

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Oh, dear. Sneaking medications. I know it has to be bad, HatedOne.

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I understand what it's like; it's amazing to go outside, somewhere normal, isn't it? I love walkig through the woods...it replenishes my body and soul!
So many people, even young ones, ae dealing with these issues...I have an arrogant, extremely negative mother who drives me up the wall...she takes pleasure in criticizing everything I do, especially food...when I'm with her I add some calming medicine to her coffee or whatver, and it makes a tremendous difference...the problem is she can't know about it...We´ve all seen how much more PLEASANT she becomes with a small dose of the medication though! Hugs!

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Ack! That would be mind bending. I'm kind of lucky that my mother's memory is good. She might ask for something, not be able to work it, then stash it somewhere. Then she would say she got rid of it because I bought her the wrong one. Oy.

She won't use a cell phone unless I make her. The little gadgets are perplexing to people who are mentally challenged.

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On top of mom, I take a severely mentally ill relative shopping, and he, too, flummoxes me at times (though I should know better by now). He badly badly wanted a cell phone, just like everyone else in the whole world has, though he has no one to call except his brother in another state. Or me. So we bought him a cheapie tracphone. After a while I asked, how is your cell phone working?....I threw it away.....why?.....I couldn't make it work...why did you throw it away? ....I don't know......time passed, again he begged for a cell phone. His brother got him one for Christmas, all set to go...where is your cell phone? ....I don't know....you lost it?....I don't know....was it working?.....I don't know.....did you try using it? ..... yes....what happened?.....it didn't work....so what did you do with it?....I don't know....

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ohmygosh Jessie, I laughed so hard at the part where you hoped a stray dog would come by and clean up the mess!!! And then recognized the relief you got from a simple trip to the P.O. and a chat with a clerk. On days I ‘get’ to go shopping alone, I find the chat with random strangers or familiar clerks surprisingly grounding.

Until we got my sister into memory care, she bought herself Keurigs, serially, could not make it work, threw it into the trash bin, got furious when the agency caregiver pulled it out (“I don’t want them going through my trash!”) and then ordered another. Then her bank started calling me about her VISA charges. Where she is now, all the coffee is decaf, except for a special pot that the higher functioning residents know where to find and seem to handle it okay so far.

My dh, with Parkinsons and also very poor vision, still makes the coffee here. It varies in strength from one day to the next. I’m wiping up all kinds of spills it seems all the time. He is slowly moving from seeing me as helper to seeing me as keeper, I fear. I had to tell him he must not use the log splitter. It runs off the tractor, is a large shiny metal screw with a sharp point that spins; we used to split our firewood with it. I believe now that someone with Parkinsons shouldn’t even own a log splitter, or a chainsaw.

It’s hard sometimes to know if my role is Encourager or Mother-hen. I was about to go to my first caregiver support group meeting in my town when he fell off a stool and split open his scalp, so we spent a half-day at ER, and another half-day yesterday getting the stitches out. Every day is a new adventure.

Thanks for telling about your life Jessie, all the posts on this site are so helpful to me, thank you all.

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JessieBell " I wish that they realized that their minds were not working right and learned to trust others, but that doesn't happen usually."

My Hubby DOES realize that his mind isn't working properly. We discuss this on a regular basis. But, like you all, he's forgotten routines that he's done literally for years! Putting the trash in the correct colored garbage can; putting his dentures in the cup are just two.
He does say lots of times "I love you" and is very gracious.
Go to assisted living yet? No, not for a while.
On the spiritual side, I know it is only by God's grace that I have the answers -- maybe I need to wait a while, but I do get answers. Sometimes, the answer is even No. God will let me know when it's time. Either through a happening or something.

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I'm going thru similar issues with my spouse who is probably now moving into the mid stage of alz. All we can do is take it 1 day at a time. Are u involved in a car givers support group. I find that helps me a lot.

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Jessie Belle, I like your comment about the spiritual side. Battle of right and wrong goes on all the time. Through the day, we make decisions and act in love and truth or we do not, or we try to figure it out. Some people are acting more out of self protection.

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My Mom would drink coffee even though the nurse and doctor said it was not good for her heart. So, I would go buy decaf and mix it in with hers so she was drinking 50/50 and then, 30% caf. and 70% decaf. I wanted her to get a little zing from the caffeine. She still had her morning cup, but she decreased drinking coffee during the day because I think she was not getting the "high."

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You are so right, Lassie. I wish that they realized that their minds were not working right and learned to trust others, but that doesn't happen usually. It can be more like they feel their mind is okay and we are working against them. We become the enemy, instead of the helper. The un-involved family remains perfect because they are not interfering. Of course, we realize that the family isn't interfering because they don't want to be bothered with it for whatever reason.

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Sounds very familiar!.... I took the car keys, of course, and the knobs off the stove. Mom had a pot of spaghetti sauce in the refrigerator and left it on the stove for hours, often falling asleep! She could work a microwave for a while until she put food in for 20 minutes and it burned, smoke detectors all going off - so I had to unplug it. But mom was creative, she was convinced every single day that she was going to have a 'dinner party', so her dining room table was set every day with paper plates and plastic forks and spoons. She would thaw out food from the freezer and mix it all together for when the 'dinner guests' would arrive - some interesting combinations! .... So I know how you feel! Isn't it wonderful to get out of the house, and talk to a neighbor, or a store clerk, or the librarian? Just to have someone lucid to talk with? Little things like that, you appreciate! It's like a prisoner in a dungeon getting a glimpse of a sunny sky through the bars of the window.

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Lotsa hugs on days like this, may every minute be fruitful memories in spite the challenges...Make the most of it, PATIENCE 😔😔😔

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BTW, there is a spiritual side to all of this that is hard to grasp. I'm not talking about the Sunday-school type thing. It is beyond that. It is more like a battle of right and wrong or good and evil. People get totally uncomfortable with this type talk, though. I have found some help through reading.

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glsdaisy, you are so lucky. The coffee maker cleaning doesn't sound like much, but when it is small things like this happening all day long, it mounts up. It's like a little voice inside is saying, "What to do? What to do?" We can take each incident as it comes up, but everything together is tiresome and does something to the mind.

I thought this morning that the situation many of us are in now is like the situation of having a disabled child. Children with most disabilities, e.g. Downs, cane live a long life now, but not an independent life. We have these situations and pray for the wisdom in knowing what to do for our loved one and ourselves. After a few years it just all blurs and you realize it could go on for years unless something happens. Ack.

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My mother, who has dementia and lives with me, has a 4-cup coffee maker on the kitchen counter. I kept it for her to use because she loves her morning coffee (although her coffee has always been terrible), and it was something she could still manage (The microwave, cell phone, and tv remotes mostly elude her). Then suddenly one morning she could no longer remember the process for setting up the coffee maker. It was just gone. Now I get up early to get it going for her in the morning, but she still tries to operate it during the day. If the coffee in her cup goes cold before she finishes it, she pours it in the reservoir of the coffee maker. Since she uses non-dairy creamer (ack), it cycles through and makes a nasty brew in the pot. I just finished cleaning it all out again.

The only way I've been able to deal with this particular issue and all the others that happen daily is that she is moving into assisted living in a couple of days. We're fortunate that she has the resources to cover it for a while. It will be better for both of us. I'm really tired.

Blessings on your day!

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If you are anything like I me, you are so tire and rest broken you are confused, can make terrible decisions based on that. I have no answer. My mother died October 20th. She had Parkinson and then a stroke July 28th. I took early retirement and cared for her in her home, spending the night alternating nights with three brothers. Of course I was there all day. You can never get a routine with Parkinson. Sometimes she couldn't physical move. She wore the patches but sometimes I felt she was over medicated but I was told to never cut them, she had a problem swallowing the pills then would find them on the floor. Would have yo help her get up all day, then she would walk through the house all night. Nothing made sense.She would lock herself in bathroom and eat all day and still lose weight. .I started feeling confused and afraid to make a decision. It's been four months and I still feel a little anxious and unsure, nothing like I was before I retired but I am beginning to feel better. I appreciate the early post where someone said they missed the mother they had before but were relieved. Feel sad but don't believe I could have made it much longer.Makes me sad for my only daughter and worry for my future care.

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Put, funny you should say all those things. I have 2 rooms in my mother's house -- one for me, one for the rabbit. I have a little frig and a half bath. I get out almost every day for a while, but I still have to come back. This life is like wearing shoes that don't fit well. It isn't my life; it is hers.

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I can only tell you that you are not alone. I have been caring for my mom in my home for a year and my dad in a convalescent hospital for two years. It is days like you describe that become the norm. I find it hard to discuss with friends because they only see my mom as a sweet little lady. I know i sound petty to them. But when you put all those little things together day after day frustration mounts. I guess all we can do is take it one day at a time and pray for strength.

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If your mom has dementia, logic no longer works. Neither does confrontation. And taking about moving won't effect her irrational decisions either. The change you are facing is one of role reversal. It's hard enough to parent a child, harder to parent an adolescent but it takes special skill, care and concern to parent one's parent.
If you can't move out, separate your life from hers. Get a small frig and put it in your room or garage. Purchase decaf coffee. Find a Meetup or church group to attend so you can socialize. Get your own tv and new friends. Life was not meant to be so constantly stressful.

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Jessie, good luck to you. My mother passed away in January and I must say that it was somewhat of a relief. She was 104 and had been "demented" for about a year and a half. I blame recurrent UTI infections. She became angry with her former neighbors claiming that they had stolen all of her plants and dug up her yard etc. She could no longer remember to turn off the faucet at the sink when she brushed her teeth. sometimes she would chase her caregiver through the house with her cane. Fortunately she never chased or bit me. I miss my mother a lot, but it's the mother I remember with her sound mind. I'm relieved that she finally found peace.

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Jessiebelle I know EXACTLY what you are going through. With my mom, its either " I'm out of cigarettes. There's no more ice, or I need Kleenex " never a " thank you, I love you " nothing. Now I don't have an answer, but just letting you know that you are not alone. At least your mom goes outside. I have to argue with her to get her to the doctor. I will keep you in my prayers.

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How do we handle days like this?

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