How do you deal with burnout? And how do you decide when you've reached your limit?

Asking the question is a pretty good clue that you have reached your limit and beyond. You may have gotten into the habit of care taking in exchange for food and a place to live, but it is time to extricate yourself from your own dependency on this arrangement. You may feel trapped b/c it does not sound like you are in a position to move out and support yourself. You need to train and prepare for employment other than taking care of the next sick relative or you will always be at the mercy of limited resources.
Research what care is available to your grandmother on her own funds. If she qualifies for Medicaid, it may mean placement in a Medicaid facility. When you find out her options, tell your grandmother you are moving out and she can choose to go to a facility or to hire in home care.
What are you left with if your grandmother dies? No more of grandmother's retirement or social security money. Will you move from care taking your grandmother to care taking your father? You are going to need to support yourself or remain in your current dependent situation forever.

Sweetie, you are kind, caring, and being taken advantage of. At 27 you need to be working and planning for your life after grandma. It will be hard to take that step, but you have to do it. With your grandmother making so little she should be eligible for social services that should help in bringing in a caregiver.

I feal your pain. i am so sorry unfortunately somethings are out of our control . I hope you get the help needed that you deserve.

Your grandmother probably gets Medicare. See if she would also qualify for Medicaid to get a Home Health Aide in to help care for her.

Please start caring for yourself. Get some job training and get some sort of job even if it means pumping gas or working at the local grocery store chain. You need a young man's life, and not the life of throwing your life down the drain. Your best formative years for a good training have been taking care of your grandparents. You can train to become a Nursing Aide working in a facility since you have seven years of hands-on experience. This is how I got started in the field of nursing.

You are too young to be dedicating yourself full-time in isolation to an elderly grandmother and putting your own life and career on hold for so long without help. You will not be able to survive without being able to get a good job. Contact a social worker to find out what your grandmother's options are (and yours). She may be eligible for aides to come in to help her (and you) with her care, and also cleaning, cooking, etc. It may not be full time, but it might be a help and would give you some breaks. There are government programs that pay family caregivers for the work they do as caregivers. A social worker should be able to advise you on programs such as this and others that will give you some money of your own and make your money go further. You yourself may be eligible for food stamps and other assistance. Also take advantage of any training programs that will give you skills that will help with getting a job. It sounds like you may not even have a computer, smart phone or internet access. Talk to the social worker about getting these things. You'll need them to live a modern life. It would make bill paying and other things much easier if your grandmother, or you set up a bank account that you could access online.

Dennis, my in laws two aides make a combined 170k/year. The free room and board you are getting would be worth maybe 12k, and that’d be if you were in some coop house where you could have friends and gfs over.

Even at 20 an hour, that’s 41600 a year just for 40 hours. Over the past seven years, your forgoing that opportunity has cost you 291,200. It means that you must work that long for seven more years to even qualify for ss. It means that you now don’t have that sum for college.

Forget about her house. Your parents and aunt will get their mitts on it first. I don’t even think you’ll get thrown out for just getting a job. After all, you sleep there with her creeping, the mildew, the rot. They don’t have to pay anyone else to.

A month or two of paystubs, you will find a house share pretty easily and perhaps even an efficiency apt. Which should make your family proud. If they won’t be it’s also a blessing as it relieves you from the clutches of such damnable selfish toxic leeches.

You sound like a very kind hearted person. You are also a little younger. This is a good thing because you have your whole lifetime ahead to adjust things in a way that will make your life better, but you need to get started on that adjustment right now.

If there is one thing I would tell my younger self, it would be to enforce boundaries to protect myself. It is good to be kind, but time after time, when you are dealing with aggressive or narcissistic family members, and you are the younger one, you will get run over and taken advantage of. I know this because it happened to me.

With burnout, I think you know when you know. I was in a caregiving situation for about a year, with a family member who was well enough to stay in their home, but refused an outside hired caregiver because they knew I would do it, and it made life easier for them.

But day after day of being unappreciated, talked down to, and having an endless "to do" list that only got larger the more I did, finally caused me to snap. I ended up getting a list of local caregivers from the hospital and called every company I could until I found one that was available and did not have a waiting list. Now the person I was caring for has a caregiver coming in, and I can live my life, which was sorely neglected for a year. This neglect includes my husband, children, pets, home repairs, and most importantly, my mental health, exercise, sleep, etc.

I understand that I could do this because the person I was caring for was in a financial situation that they could hire a caregiver, and that this may not be the case for others. But I tell you, if I needed my freedom, I would take on two jobs, cut back expenses, coupon, get a roommate, sell things online, babysit, walk dogs, cut back on electricity and meals, and anything at all I could do as a healthy young person to get the hell out of there and get my own place. You are worth it.

This may sound mean, but I have learned from my own experience and with age and time passing, that some of these people (narcissists in particular) will bleed you dry mentally, physically, emotionally and financially. They'll destroy your relationships with your spouse and children and even get jealous of your pets. They will take all you've got and expect more. Just to have a couple more comfortable years. Then they'll die, and you'll have absolutely nothing in any aspect of life, and then what?

Make a plan for yourself now. Make a list. Stay up at night and write it down and think about what you can do. Save yourself. Do it sooner rather than later. Love yourself enough to do this! You will be glad you did.

That your family is willing to let you sacrifice your life tells me you cannot get the kind of support — mental and otherwise —you need and deserve. Your impulse to run away is the right one. Do it.
Contact elderly senior services — it might be called the Agency on Aging —in your area to find out what support your grandmother can get. But do not take on the role of figuring it all out for her. Let your grandmother and the rest of the family know you can no longer provide her full time care.
Visit your local community college. Perhaps something in the health field appeals to you? You have shown yourself to be very caring and there is great need for healthcare workers. Don’t waste time on something which doesn’t appeal to you. And do not continue to undervalue your life and happiness.
Counselors at school can advise you on the steps. Do not assume you can’t afford it. Once in school you will be on track for a better life and will make friends. Your grandmother will be ok. Let go with love. I hope your family can find it in themselves to let you go with love and appreciation. But regardless, get out. Make your plan. Give them all notice. It can be a long notice. If school starts in August, let them know you’ll be leaving then and in the mean time, get a job. Anything that gets you out of the house and pays you something will be a great step. If your grandmother cannot be left alone at all, the other family will need to step up. Or grandma will have to move where she can be cared for.
Good luck! Call the community college today and make an appointment with an admissions advisor. (Be sure to contact a state accredited school.)

"Nothing changes if nothing changes." I love that quote. Grandma has her issues and you have yours.

Call that business, "A Place for Mom" (free of charge) and ask how they can help grandma get placed somewhere near you so that you and the family can visit her. We all have feelings about being cared for; some love it, while others refuse it...................for some, they need it, but don't want it. That is not YOUR issue, it is grandma's and she can get some clarity by working with a social worker who can sort out her issues, emotions and needs.

You can make a decision to stay or move out. Grandma's money will go to her care, so you will need to hit the road and get yourself a good job.

Even if one of them agreed to it, I couldn't look in the mirror if I relinquished my mother's care to one of my two children who are 27 and 28 years old. What your dad and aunt are doing to you is just wrong. And honestly, your grandmother is wrong as well to allow it. Others here have offered excellent advice on how to extricate yourself from the situation and begin to make a life for yourself. Please do it for yourself and your future. Peace.

Dennis,

I'm going to speak plainly to you so as not to be misunderstood.
Walk away. I know you love your grandmother but you're living a life that nobody your age should be living and have been doing so since you were 20 years old. Yes, you are young but you're not a child. You're a grown man and have to stand up for yourself with your family and everyone else. Otherwise the whole world will take advantage and walk all over you for the rest of your life.
If your grandmother would rather die than go to a nursing home, that's on her not you. She is manipulating you by putting this kind of guilt trip on you. By saying such a thing to you she is blaming you in advance for something that hasn't happened yet.
Is there any way you can go and live with your father? Or a relative? Or a friend? That way you could get a job and maybe get yourself into some kind of schooling.
Realistically you can't just pack your stuff and walk away today. You have no money, no skills, and basically no work history if at your age you've been unemployed for seven years. This doesn't mean that how you live now has to be the rest of your life. Start with taking just one step forward.
Let your aunt and grandmother know that you will be taking weekends off. There will have to be some alternative caregiving brought in to help grandma. Then leave for the weekend. Ask your father to pick you up. Take a weekend live-in caregiving assignment for other people. I know for a fact that weekend help is hard to come by because no one wants it. Male caregivers are hard to come by as well. You would be earning and could put a bit aside. The important part is to make sure you follow through and get out on weekends. This is the only way your aunt, grandmother, and other family will know you mean business and are serious.
Also, take grandmother to visit a lawyer. There's no reason why her adult kids should be the only heirs to whatever property and assets she has. They do not take care of her, you do. They do not pay for her care either. Why should they fully inherit whatever she has when they do nothing? You do not even need to tell anyone if you bring her to a lawyer. If she hasn't been diagnosed with dementia and declared incompetent by a doctor, she can arrange to leave her property and assets any way she sees fit.
If you want to continue being grandmother's caregiver and living with her you may be able to get paid. If her income is only $900 a month, she is low income and probably on Medicaid. Your state may have a paid family caregiver program. It would be worth finding out. Contact your state's Department of Social Services and they will direct you.

Hi Dennis You say " your Dad gives you a ride ? " Why isn't he making repairs on the House . Whose Mother is it ? I would tell the Aunt " You are moving Out since you no Longer help and this is your mother . " You are being taken advantage of , you are being Used . it is time for her son or daughter to take care of her not her young grand son . Start Making a Plan - Check out Couch surfing , Youth Hostels and finding a job . The Home could be sold and your Grand Mother Placed In a Nursing Home . You could Buy a car and Have Money to rent a apartment . You need to leave friend . I hate seeing people get used Like this but especially a young person when her Daughter is available . Is this your Dads mother ? Get away from these Blood suckers and go have a life . There are farms you can work on in Hawaii that provide housing . ( Look on Craigs List or face book ) There are holistic Places like Omega Institute , Mount Madonna ,Ojai foundation , Blue Spirit in Costa Rica when you can do work exchange and Have a residence . Austin , Texas is pretty cool town . Who has Power of attorney and how Old is your Grand Mother ? I have a feeling your grand Mother will be fine if you leave . I also feel you have had no parenting . Where is your Mother ? There are ways to survive and be appreciated . You got sucked in and Now you want to leave and there is nothing wrong with that . Go enjoy your Life . You deserve to be Happy and have friends and own your Life .

I can’t even imagine what you are going through! My mother in law has been living with us for a year and my husband and I are at our wits in! She suffers with dementia.We have to do everything for her, she’s like a small child. I work while my husband stays with her. She does go to adult daycare every day for a few hours. When I return home it’s my turn. I help feed her and bathe her. We don’t go anywhere. I only talk to my own mother by phone! We were fortunate to get her in resprite care for 5 days so we could go to the mountains just the two of us! We are trying to get her on Medicaid so we can get her in a facility. We are not just going to forget about her, we will visit all the time but we feel she needs more than we can provide. It’s not what she wants or what we want but the time has come. It’s emotional I know but you have to do what is good for you too!

Dennis , another option is to have a heart to heart talk with Grand ma and explain your feelings . Get Power of attorney and health care proxy from a bank and Have it Notarized . Next sell the House and Move to a tiny Home community in Texas - there is a good one called Village farm Tiny home community / Green gates farm . You could Put down a deposit from sale of the home . At these tiny home communities there is a Garden to grow food and volunteer , a barn for crafting , work shops and fire pits . The tiny Homes have Loft spaces and Porches . You could grow food, volunteer , do carpentry , she could participate in activities . That way you are not so isolated . Go buy a bike , bike into town and make friends . Grand ma will have Plenty of people to interact with . My feelings are you are isolated and cut off from the world and you need to expand that world . After you buy the tiny House make sure she has a will stating that this is your Home after she Passes or Have the home Placed in your Name when you buy it . You need to be protected and compensated for giving up 8 years of your life and if she needs you to take care of her it has to be a 2 way street . I have a feeling she will agree to this . Protect your future . I think you have been very isolated and at least you will be part of a community . Austin has Plenty of tiny Home communities and this way your Life will be enriched by other young people around you and she Can have friends at the tiny home community . A lot of elderly people Move into tiny homes .

Good Afternoon,

It sounds like you started out helping but ending up owning it. You are too young to be in this position.

Have you been to College. Do you have any "paid" work experience. Check out your nearest Community College and apply for financial aid and enroll in school or a trade. There is a lot of $$$ out there nowadays for schooling.

Call on the troops to help out Grannie and then get your own life in order-checking account, utilities in your name, driver's training, library card, join a Church, gym. Build your life.

Make some new friends and invite them visit Grandma. This will add to her life.
You have probably have done the same thing for so long that you think there is no way out. There is. You are NOT stuck in this.

There are Academic Advisors at Universities that can help you make a plan.
In the mean time work online, get some new clothes and have a town meeting with your family. Check out The Buy Nothing Project.

You need to make a plan. Read everyone response here and write down what you think you can realistically do. I will pray for you and do not be afraid.

Do something everyday that will get you where you want to be. Check in on this posting. You sound like you are a wonderful young man that does have a good road ahead, you just need to get out of the position you are in now.

You are in my prayers....

Good points Ireland. It’d go one further.
Dennis should apply for welfare (ga), food stamps and Medicaid for himself. In my state that will entitle him to a free phone plus free internet and community college tuition as well.

What happens if grandma passes and then aunt or dad needs help? Guarantee thus gravy train of you being the caregiver for all these family members will not stop once grandma dies. Unless you stop it and say no that this is it and you will not take care of anymore of your family members.

You are basically a live in slave for grandma and your dad and aunt selfishly sold you into said slavery.

Hello, I can relate. Though not and elder family member. I care for a son who Has developmental disability. He is 35, and his disability began at 14 months of age. I literally have nobody willing to care for him even for a couple hours while I get out. I will say depending on your state, there are jobs to pay you for your time. I took a lot of negatives caring for my own son, but he qualifies for hours and I am a trained CNA. However, I tried finding help to go to work elsewhere. I couldn't rely on or trust these people with my son so I stay home. I blew off my education for him, and I continue to struggle to keep him healthy cause he has a right to do his life as he wishes, but its killing me to watch him get worse all the time. I even broke down crying out loud cause I cant make the difference anymore. I have no life even though I am a paid person, at least not one that does not include him. I could try to get him into a home, but he doesnt want to leave, and like you I stick it out, but I want to have fun before I die. I am 60 now, so I truly feel for you. I will suggest that you have experience now, and perhaps should get her signed up for care. in home care. That means she can qualify for additional helps not just you. Remember this one thing, you are not supposed to give up all your life. You need to look for something online reference aging care. Try to get her an interview. And even if she acts opposed, remind her that you are only one person, and cannot do it all. What happens when she gets worse? Surely she doesnt want you to lose you youth to caring for her. She was a youth once. Today even with a respite provider who is here 6 hours spread out over 3 days a week I dont get much down time. But I think if you can get her qualified for care, you can hire other care providers to come in and help. I am sad for you but also you must know how rare you are. Not too many will give up a life. So please try to be patient and find out what your state or county has to offer for the aging. It is going to allow you to train a person after they are formally trained, to accomplish the care needs of your grandmother and give you some freedom. I only advise that you be sure there is no money laying around or stashed. I have heard some caregivers are not above the lowest mentality.Personally had to have 3 fired over my time in career. I know you don't know me, and likely we are too far apart in age to have much in common, but should you wish to chat sometime for just having someone to relate to, I am willing. I promise not to spin you, ask for anything. Cause in the grand scheme, God doesnt want us to be unhappy trying to do what we know we need to. My name is Phylis. if you never contact me its ok. just an offer. But I have been in the business for 20 years and might be able to help you get started.

Dennis,

I must say I have been reading all of the input and your responses.

You write extremely well. Could you possibly get paid for a blog. I read the beginning entries and yes I realize I think everyone's intentions starting out were different then they thought the outcome and lengthiness would be.

The years went by and a precedent was set without anyone really reviewing should this continue. It's almost when you know you need to break up with someone but you keep going out anyway.

Again, I think you're a truly remarkable young man that set out to do the right thing and you somehow got saddled with everything.

The fact that you are on this forum is a step in the right direction. You don't have to solve your entire life in one night but a step at a time.

Keep in mind folks, we just got through a 2-year Pandemic, the economy is faltering and inflation is at an all-time high. I agree a lot of these NH are crap boxes (these are my words, not Dennis'). They took a poll at an Assisted Living and NH and asked the Board of Directors, how many of you would like to live here? No one raised their hand, everyone said they wanted to remain at home. But that doesn't mean this is Dennis' choice to do this.

Amen...

Dennis…it’s time. Time for YOU.

DennisC94: This dynamic must be amended; you cannot continue on with this caregiving role. Perhaps your grandmother will have to opt for facility living. You need to then seek employment.

Forgive my less polished approach to you than others have presented but hell to the no! I’m in my 50s and have been solo caretaking for my mother and it’s been a burden that’s made me angry, resentful and feeling like I was heading for a nervous breakdown at times; you are WAY too young to be going through that. Plus, my mother’s situation has now changed (she fell last week and after being in the hospital she just got to rehab today) and I can’t tell you how much better I feel. Now I know she’s in professional hands, and I can live my life. My mental health already is much better than it was. As was said to me: Take care of yourself; YOU matter too! Good luck.

DennisC94,

You seem like such a loving and caring young man.

You are being used and abused by your family, which is so very sad and frustrating.

Judging by the amount of her retirement,
You should qualify for medicaid to pay you to care for your grandmother. Most states will pay the live-in caregiver wages. This way you have some sort of income for yourself.

You should also qualify for medicaid and possibly food stamps.

There are online classes you qualify for, too. This will help you to achieve a college degree. There are also work-from-home jobs out there. Many businesses have gone remote.

Every person's situation is unique. I don't know the level of care your grandmother needs. But it isn't right you have become her sole caregiver.

Nice guys finish last. Too young to carry grandma world on your shoulders, specially with the scant family resources. On the bright side: you already did your good deeds for a lifetime. Time to party and enjoy life. Exit line: “It was real, It was nice, but it wasn’t really nice!”

Got to be honest with your grandma and father, you have had enough and cannot do it anymore. Life goes by so quickly. Get out find a job and get a life NOW while you are still young.

if grandma does not want any other help that’s up to her and it’s very selfish to guilt trip you into staying. A loving grandmother should be aware of the needs of a young man.

You are allowing yourself to be used.

Dennis, how old is your grandmother? What kind of health is she in? Can she walk, with or without a walker? What kind of care does she need? As you are 27, I'm thinking she could be anywhere from say, 67 maybe to 77-ish ?

I am 68 caring for 97 y.o. mom. We live together. She walks with a walker but needs assistance with most activities. She could easily live another 10 years. There are many days I feel torn between staying retired or going back to work and getting her help or maybe ALF. Many times I have felt burned out, but I am 68!

You are only 27. What if your grandmother lives another 20 or more years ?

You MUST start your life.... Give notice to your aunt and your father ASAP!

Others here gave a lot of good suggestions of what and how to do.

And, I have another... if you are really wanting to change and have the support you need to get started .... what about enlisting in one of the branches of the military ?
I lean toward the Air Force as that's what my family did :)

But with any of the branches, you'd immediately get a salary, room and board and training ... on the job paid training. You'd make new friends, probably some lifelong friends. You could even train to be a medic, and later on work up to a nursing career. Or something entirely different. But you could a life, your own life!

After reading other responses, I saw how unhelpful the words "get out" rang.

If you were to consider "getting out"... where you would go?

You say you have no friends, no vehicle, no job, no income, and live 6 miles from town.

I'd like to know exactly how people expect you to just "get out of there". Would your father take you back in?

Your post doesn't directly state your father is related to your grandmother, so perhaps these are your mother's parents?

It is obvious to others by your post you are being abused and mistreated by your own family.

I encourage you to seek professional counseling. These appontments can be done online via a Zoom platform or something similar.

Your counselor should also be able to assist with directing you to other avenues of assistance as applicable to your state of residence.

I truly feel for you - it will get better. Deep breaths and taking small steps.
Thankfully, there are so many remote jobs currently that you can begin working while at home - especially since COVID, many companies are remaining more remote as it's a cost savings - and they're minimizing office space. It's a perfect time to focus on your work skills and translate it to a profession that you can remotely do - and then take it from there. Once you're earning a salary, you'll have many more options - to rent a car and get out more, etc. And if there's a chance, your Aunt and your Dad need to become more involved - it's imperative to stand your ground and step back from all of the time that you're devoting to your grandmother and ask them for assistance. She's their mother and they are responsible for her, first and foremost.

Also, if you require any additional career training, there are also on-line courses. Try as best you can to take the time while there to focus on building a career path - and anything you need to do remotely to support that (preparing a resume, remote job, classes, etc).

I'm currently having a very difficult time with my own family regarding their support with taking care of elderly family members and expecting me to do it all, so I truly understand what you are up against. It's a really big challenge - and I hope things begin to improve for you - you sound very intelligent and compassionate and things will get better :-)

@Dennis, you asked: how do you decide when you’ve reached your limit?

The very fact that you are asking yourself that question means that you have now reached your limit. That is good news, because I bet you’re disgusted with yourself for being everyone’s whipping boy for so long. Now you can do something about that uncomfortable feeling, starting now.

No loving parent or grandparent or relative would allow you to be emotionally abused in this way, thus you must realize there is zero love coming from them to you. They consider you a useful patsy, at best, and must be contemptuous of how easy you are to manipulate. You are essentially a slave (that is a loaded word, I know, but I consider this terrible situation no better than that of a slave). The bars stopping you from leaving the situation may be only in your head rather than real bars, but you feel enslaved nonetheless. Set yourself free. Only you can do that.

Love yourself and take care of yourself by leaving this unendurable situation NOW. That is surely what you would advise a friend to do, if you had time to curry friendships. My heart hurt for you when reading that you haven’t even time to find a girlfriend. When you take control of your situation — your precious life — you will feel some self pride and will therefore attract friends. A bright smile and hope for the future will make you attractive to normal people rather than your hopeless attitude which makes you, right now, a magnet only for your abusers. Tear off the shackles.

None of us consider you a loser. We understand how you, step by generous-hearted step, got roped into this. You took steps down down down into being trapped. Now, look up. Take steps to get yourself up and out of the trap.

You do have options, I just fear you’re too beaten down to see them right now. Start trying everything and anything right now to help yourself. Let your selfish family find options for your selfish grandma. Cut the cord. Some options:

- One wise poster urges you to apply for welfare and food stamps, and the free phone and phone service available to you. Do it!

- I have only recommended to one other troubled writer to consider going to a homeless shelter. You are now the second person I recommend this to. You only feel stuck in the ramshackle house, with the emotional abuse: I think you need to flee in order to feel alive again

- Another poster suggests you consider joining the military. You are a good, honorable man, so this could be a brilliant way out for you

- Phone every single local church until you find one that can help you with a hand up in the short term

- You are the victim of abuse. Yes you are, you may not even want to admit it to yourself. Call an abuse hotline for help finding a place to stay, starting immediately

- Just a personal comment, you have fantastic “carer” experience from caring 24 hours per day for both great granddad and now grandma. When my father-in-law became ultra frail and old and unable to live alone, we had such a hard time finding male carers for him, to help with dressing, showering toileting and the like.
a. Why don’t you look, starting today, for a carer job for a man or men who need help?
b. This would give you proven income, to help you get the required 35 years of job income to pull full Social Security when you are old, yourself. If you don’t pay into the system you are going to be stuck.

There is no shame in asking for help. You’ve taken the first step by writing, here. Read everyone’s suggestions, I am sure you’ll get alot more, and put one foot in front of the other to help yourself. We are pulling for you. Come back and let us know how you are getting along. I am sending you love and good thoughts; you sound like a great young man and you deserve all good things.

Sweetie I justSweetie I just posted a question or I thought it was and I did it speech to text and none of it made sense the reason I have to say something in regards to yours I just came across it I am mentally burnout dealing with everything on my own and you know what I had the same question as you I don't know when even to stop myself when enough is enough I am so delirious that I Babble on and I don't even know what I'm saying and everyday I have got every Warrior you can ever imagine on top of the fact did I cannot stop obsessing over feeling that I should be the one to stick up for my own father and I'm trying to even save my own life right now because every time I turn around I'm getting off track when do you say enough is enough I can't take anymore and even try to take care of yourself because you barely can which is me I cannot even stop long enough to put it off and when I do I go right back to trying to stick up for him again when I'm just even still trying to mentally not go insane that is my answer to you so when is enough enough and I'm just thinking right now that after reading your post I finally beat it into myself I've had enough I'm going to have to actually take care of myself now thank you for helping me and you didn't even realize it