How do you get past the end of life very graphic images?

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How do you get past the end of life very graphic images?

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Segoline,
First, so sorry for your recent loss. Sending a hug your way. I’m by no means an authority on this topic but speaking only from my heart. I was at my mother’s bedside, holding her hand through much of those last few minutes. I was there and heard that dreaded death rattle. I was there as the hospice nurse monitored her vitals whispering to me when she had taken her final breath. These images stayed with me for some time, but just as my sadness and emptiness have become loving memories of my mother and our times together, so too have those images softened in my mind. I can still recall them but they are not as painful as that very day. I hope this has helped you a little. Joining GriefShare was a tremendous help to me. I can’t say enough good things about the organization. God bless you on your grief journey.

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My good friend, who nursed her mother through 5 years of growing into being bedridden and who cared for her at home until death at 96, used Griefshare for at least 5 years afterwards. She cannot say enough good about that organization and connected with others in a friendly fashion, too, attending potlucks, and so forth. I'm sure they can aid OP and second this response.

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When my Dad passed it was like that for me as well. I would look at photos of happy times. It takes a good while to stop picturing what death looked like, but over time you will. Every time you start to think about it look at photos of him, and if you have videos, watch them. It’s always good to talk with a therapist too. I am fortunate to have a good one that I feel like I can say anything to, no judgement or criticism. Wishing you the best.

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The pain and grief for a LO never goes away, you just get used to it over time.

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If you can afford to go see a doctor - go. If you cannot afford it, try surrounding yourself with all the pictures/mementos you can find. Maybe place them throughout the house for now so that each time you enter a room, you think of a happier time.
I'm no doctor, but ptsd is caused by traumatic events and maybe using the best part of your memories can ease the recent images. Plus, 24 hours means this just happened.

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Unlike others, I'm not going into graphic details here. I will spare everyone that.
COME ON PEOPLE, SHE'S ALREADY TRAUMATIZED ENOUGH WITH HER OWN ISSUES!
There can be an end point but its different for everyone. Are you seeing a therapist. I am for PTSD with my Dad. You will need to. EMDR therapy helps too. Find a therapist who does EMDR therapy.
It helps to talk about it so your emotions have a way out of you rather than bottled up inside. It will take time but it works.
Hugs dear one. Dont let being a secondary victim of dementia get you. Unlike your loved one, you can beat the effects of this wicked disease.

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This is a place for sharing, not for judgements. I really don't think anyone meant any harm in sharing their own experience, but to help that person know they're not alone. Also some very good advice is here as well. Let's be kind to each other, we're all different, and handle and say things differently, but with no menace intended. 💕

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I am sure you will be told that things get better with time. I am sure you will be told to try to remember the good times and images, and try to think of those. Both of those are good advice. But if you are truly haunted, and have the resources - I will strongly recommend EMDR therapy. I had PTSD after a failed surgery (very painful recovery), that I had to have again (the surgery). And I sought out EMDR therapy again, after watching my father pass over 2 months - in a bad way. (Sadly, he would not allow hospice care, until the last day. He suffered more than he should have...)
This type of therapy is short term ( 6 to 8 sessions), and is designed to deal with trauma (or PTSD). There are several sites on the Internet that explain the therapy, and can help you find a qualified therapist near you. If do not have the resources to afford a therapist, there is an website that can help you do some of it online. I used the online site last time, but it was somewhat less helpful. I believe having been guided by a therapist before - was key to it working at all for me.
Trauma is best managed in the early days. The longer you keep going over the images, the deeper they are set. Sorry your loved one did not pass well (as possible).
See the link: https://www.emdria.org/page/emdr_therapy
Last thought, grief therapy - which is usually free at most hospice locations (whether you used that one for a family member or not), is the place that you find out - what you are feeling (grief, anger, sadness, loss...) are normal. But grief therapy is not EMDR for trauma...

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This is my 1st time posting in here after reading the questions daily.
I'm so sorry for your recent loss. Today is in fact the 5th Anniversary of my Mom dying. 💔 I was with her during it all, the last few months of her life. I'm still haunted by the images of Mom laying there in her bed literally skin & bones. My Mom was such a strong woman in life; Mentally & Physically! So to see her in this condition still takes my breath away.
My Dad was on Hospice himself at the time. So, I was caring for both of them in their home when Mom passed.
I thought we had more time. Told her we'd do her bucket list as fast as possible starting with dessert!!
We never got that chance as she passed 2 weeks later. 12 days after my 50th Birthday. My husband brought me to the hospital (before she was sent home on hospice)see her on my birthday. I didn't think I could handle it. It was just the 3 of us. She sang Happy Birthday to me for the last time. I just watched her sing & made sure I was present in that moment. ❤
I try to remember her singing to me when I feel the huge wave coming. It helps a little. But I do believe I have PTSD from all of it.
I'm on medication for my anxiety since then & looking into counseling since I'm still taking care of my Dad. He's no longer on hospice but doesn't remember anything about Mom dying or me cleaning up & listing his house for sale then moving him in with my family.
It's a hard time, but let yourself go through the emotions. Look at pictures of the fun times with Mom before she got sick.
Hugs ❤

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The Dr. Seuss quote "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened." is on our fridge.
My MIL died at our house on hospice. My husband was holding her hand. This was 2 years ago. I didn't go into that bedroom for awhile. I remember when her dentures just fell out while she was in a coma. For some reason that little thing scared me to death.
My husband travels and I was all alone the other night and that bedroom door is always open now. I got up in the middle of the night to potty and the lamp was on in that room. It is a touch lamp where you just touch it to turn it on. Freaked me out but I just said "Hey Grandma, I love and miss you but don't turn on the lamp again it is scary haha!"
It all gets better. Trust me.

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Your story about your MIL's bedroom brought up memories for me. I'm living now in what was my mother's house, and for months I could not go into her bedroom or bathroom. All her stuff was still there, and I didn't want to disturb or interfere with it. Finally, a old friend from across the country made a plan to come visit for a few weeks. I was forced then to empty out my Mom's closet and dresser, and donate or box everything up. Same thing with her bathroom. It was very hard, emotionally, to go through all my mother's stuff. But after my friend came and stayed with me, the room took on a very different feel for me. Rather than a deep pit in my stomach every time I look inside, I get a warm feeling from the good times when my friend was here. I still miss my mother terribly, but I'm feeling better about living in the house where she died.

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Godblessmom "Grief is like a shipwreck poem", so eloquently said! Totally illustrates my experience with heartache from those I have lost, both human and pets.

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I saw my MIL die and the visual of her tongue and mouth turning black as she was breathing shallowly and dying still haunts me. I don’t think about it as much as I used to. For me the graphic visual did fade but it’s still there. I suppose that’s what you can expect. I’m sorry you have this memory.

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Geesh. She doesn't need your graphic images too. She has her own.

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My condolences to you. It gets better. Life fills in the holes in our heart, which appears to heal faster than our minds. Gramps in 1979 and Mom in 2015 died before my eyes peacefully, yet it was beyond wrenching to see their final breaths. I don't open that door often, and it'll happen for you, too.

Your pinball imagery is excellent. It makes me think of the bright lights, exciting sounds, and sense of winning that is the game. We have two addicting pinball games in the living room, so it struck a chord. I hope one day soon that you'll visualize yourself as a player, looking down through the glass at the little ball to see that you played the very best you could for your LO, who now rests from the game.

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I was fortunate to not have any violence associated with my father’s or stepfather’s death. I’m not sure what you mean by trauma. If you mean the actual fact they died? Or the means by which they took their last breath? My step father just stopped breathing after a gasp. We knew it was coming, he’d been actively dying for 2 years, in the hospital 3 weeks without hope of recovery so at least I had accepted it.
If you mean that they died, give yourself time. It takes a while to grieve, it gets easier ie less raw but there are still things that will remind you of the person or times you feel the sting that they are gone. We can dwell on the bad or the good, our choice. If you are having difficulty doing that therapy is a great idea.
Obviously anyone’s death is stressful but probably more so if you aren’t prepared for it. Sorry, this won’t help you but I sincerely hope those with elderly or ill loved ones research the stages of the dying process. It seems so many people are caught unawares when that person dies whereas had they done some research beforehand they may realize their loved one has been dying for months and is on an irreversible process. Then it’s not such a shock. You still miss them but realize no one is responsible, for the present time it’s a “ normal” part of life.

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My mother died 25 years ago in the hospital with metastatic liver disease. She was 80, and her second husband had had a stroke the month before and was in a nursing home. Ironic that he lived almost a year longer than she did. Hospice wasn't widely available then, but I did have the option of giving my mom morphine every 4 hrs, even when she was in a coma. I still remember the "death rattle," although I don't think of it often. When she died, there was so much to do, to arrange the cremation, the memorial service, clear out and sell her house--that I didn't think of the actual moment of death very often. However, I did remember it as relatively peaceful and it didn't appear to disturb her at all. Six years ago I dealt with the passing of my husband, who had had a fatal stroke and whose health care directives stated he did not want gastric feeding tube. That was harder than my mother, since I knew I could keep him alive longer with the gastric tube. However, he had lost central vision and was unlikely to be able to read or even watch TV again, and certainly he would never walk and would spend whatever life was left in a nursing home. We opted for hospice and my daughter and I were there when he slipped into the final coma and when he died--the moment of death again accompanied by the death rattle, but it did not seem painful. We can never know what, if anything, was going on in the minds of the departing, but it did not appear to me that they were in any pain, and perhaps they were relieved that it was all over. Especially after my husband died, I thought about that moment--but as time passed, I began to think about all of the good times we had together and how lucky we were to have met and married each other. Although I am not religious, my mother was and my husband (a lapsed Catholic) asked for a priest (which I found for him) in his final days. I comfort myself in the memory of happy times. Dr. Seuss said, "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened." As the years go by, that is what I do.

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Wow, different for everyone. The end of life moments are less marked by pain and violence by some than by others. Though my mother's was somewhat peaceful by contrast, I still recall that last image when she did pass. Not particularly pretty. So much emotion tied into that--loss, fear, pain, sorrow. I remember it all now vividly if I let myself go there. Since that moment, I told my mom how much I loved her, released her spirit in my heart and knew she was free from the pain. I try not to re-live that moment, tie myself to it and tie my mother to it. I say I'm sorry here life ended so badly but reiterate in my mind that she also had a good life and good memories. Focus on those.

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First if all ,you are not alone. I'm proud of you for admitting you need help to recover from what you experienced. No matter how much medical training you have or if you know mentally the normal stages in death, it can leave a deep wound. ( I myself was hit hard by watching my Dad pass last year, and it took about 4 months for the nightmares and day time flash backs of his last moments to finally stop . I've worked in nursing homes and I'm now an in home care giver, and no matter how many clients I cared for till the last breath, it wasn't the same as seeing my Dad pass away .) Trying to shove it down or avoid it doesn't work. What worked for me was a 3 day trip to the Oregon coast with my husband. It was a special place my Dad and I loved. I took long walks in the sand alone and with my hubby, sat on the beach finally cried, and cried, and...cried. I probably cried most of that trip. I let out the sorrow, the images of my superman dad gasping for breath, and some how images of Dad when he was healthier,showing me tide pools came quietly in my head and heart. The last morning at the beach I felt like a different person. Lighter, clearer and with a peace Dad was in heaven / no longer suffering. As soon as I got home from my trip I picked out my favorite photo with Dad, bought a new photo frame for it and placed it where I could see it. I also put the photo on my phone. So now, if any images of his last moments come in to my mind I have a good photo to look at. ) I hope you find the peace you need. Every mind is different and takes time to heal. Take care of YOU, and fill your mind and life with whatever positive experiences you can.

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No one has mentioned our relationship with God and the afterlife that is discussed in all the major religions. As a Christian I know Christ died for me and I will be reunited with God and all God’s spirits that have gone before me; for he dwells in all of us. The end of life is like being wrapped in a chrysalis. During our life we have separation from Him and it is only when we “metamorphosis into butterflies” are we reunited. In this life we are separated from God so I believe we suffer.

My mom had a rare form of red blood cell cancer for a number of years that caused anemia. She died in 2013 at the age of 86 so she lived a good long life. For six years I watched over her and found doctors who could provide quality of life. During her last nine months she could not heal and had several amputations. Her medications caused her to be diabetic but she had trouble healing due to thyroid shutdown. She decided to sign herself into hospice. She was in a rehab facility at the time and decided to do hospice there. I took movies up for us to watch and spent hours with her laughing. I also started to research the family to tell her about all the people she was going to meet. She would not shower unless I gave her the shower and she would lavish there for 30 to 45 minutes. This I did for her because it was my duty and I believed my honor. At the moment she left her body she woke me up and I felt her presence. It was like being wrapped with a warm electric blanket and she began talking to me not though my ears but in my brain. She was happy and free of all pain! At 5:35AM the hospice nurse called and said, “Your mom is gone!”

I laughed and said, “I know, she is here with me and we are walking out the door,” since I had promised to do her hair and put makeup on her.

The warm glow of her spirit stayed with me constantly for two days and she would make me laugh so hard with jokes and little quips. I felt her presence several times after that but I also thought I was a little crazy so I asked her for verification. A month after her death I was setting up an antique show (we often used to do them together during her last few years) and her favorite porter helped me with my things at setup. She had always called Robert her savior for changing a flat tire for her. While I was talking to Robert I felt my mom’s presence. I said, “She is here.” The warmth occurred and I could hear my mom saying, repeating, “Robert was all wet.”

I asked Robert, “Why is my mom saying you were all wet? Was it raining outside?”

With a broad smile he said, “Your mom is here!” He then told me it was mid-summer and about 100 degrees outside and she had parked her van in the sun on asphalt, so it was hot. Robert made Mom go inside while he changed her tire and when he was done, his clothes were soaked with sweat. He was drenched. He gave me a hug for my mom.

The last time I felt her presence, I was in the house with my father. She reminded me that the lock box in the back of the top of her closet. It was locked and I had no idea what the combination was. She told me and I opened it on the first try! Inside were the car titles, my father’s Navy discharge papers and much more. I have been blessed to know that she is happy and with God and receiving all that he promised. I am now taking care of my Dad who suffers with dementia and a personality disorder, so my trials are far from over. I am blessed with first-hand knowledge that our reward lasts an Eternity!

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Beautiful. I'm encouraged by your words of faith. Thank you. God bless you.

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Yes, time will help with this, to be certain. Especially in that the images will not last so long. I spent my life as a nurse, and while the images are NOT of your OWN family, they do live within you; they are profound. There in something in us that seeks these images--we slow at accidents, we study death masks. I believe it is more about our OWN mortality than the mortality of the one gone from us. Somewhere our brains are trying to grasp the concept of death. We are the only animals that DO, though some suggest that Elephants do this. Handling the bones, lifting and arranging and gathering and weighing them for long periods of time. I think we are trying to grasp how it can be that we are here one moment, and then we pass. And then we are gone. It is in all honesty an impossible concept to get. While the images will visit less often, they will remain profound in your mind. I would encourage you to allow yourself some moments in a day to CONCENTRATE on them, instead of avoiding them. To journal what was so disturbing in them if you like to journal at all. I think this is a subject, among all that I have seen brought to this thread, that has NOT been. I will agree it is a kind of PTSD. But also that it brings to us how sentient an animal we are, how spiritual, how thoughtful, how wondrous. I wish you so much luck moving forward. The grief will get better. I do think time is the only answer for those of us who suffer and who mourn.

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I have a couple of memories of my Mom's last week that if I visit them, turn me into mush. I have a physical reaction that is so strong that I have managed to not let my mind go there. It's like as soon as it enters my mind, a darkness develops in my brain and protects me form thinking about it. I'm sure my smart ass brother would say "you've finally learned how to compartmentalize" Ahhh...............no! I think that it's just called self-preservation. Kind of like when people who are mentally and physically abused over a period of time. Their minds splinter into different personalities to protect themselves. Whatever it is, I'm thankful for it because for a while I would just go over it all the time like when you have a tooth that hurts when you push on it with your tongue. For whatever reason you just do it even though you know it's going to ache.

Segoline, eventually you just won't go there anymore. This is all still so fresh for you. Give it time.

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Such a beautiful and honest statement of "going there" and "being there" and compartmentalization. I love what you wrote.

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I stared at death for a week straight before my gram passed. I thank God for hospice because she got to remain home and I got to take care of her. It's as if I died with her everyday!!!! No matter who you talk to you will always remember those moments. Luckily at her final moments, she spared me the pain from seeing her take her last breathe. I don't think I could of been strong enough.

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you say its only been 24 hours. Don't beat yourself up. You are still in shock. Don't even think about "getting past" this loss at this point. Get through each day with the help of family and friends. You aren't ready to even start the healing process. Just accept the grief and cry,scream, what ever gets you through these early days of your loss. Don't try and play the tough guy roll. Let the tears flow and the crying happen. Let people into your circle to have someone to cry on and talk about how you are feeling. If they try and tell you to tough up, get away from them and find someone who understands the grief process. Once you get past the first few weeks hopefully you will have had someone suggest a therapist who can guide you through the grieving process. It is not something you are going to get over in a few weeks or months. If you have a good therapist you will see some of the weight lifting off your body day by day. You will always miss this loved one. Holidays and memories will pop up that will seem like a set back when in reality it is just part of the grieving process. I have lost so many friends, relatives, and both of my parents when I was young. Back 55 years ago there weren't groups or therapists who I could work through these painful feelings with. Thankfully there are plenty of them today. Insurance pays for therapy and it is good to have others in your circle that are feeling a lot of the same things as you. Please, I beg you not to try and heal yourself or listen to well meaning friends who don't know what they are saying. This is a slow process but one day you will realize that you are getting better and have the tools to help someone else who has lost a loved one. Suddenly it's not about you but passing on what you have learned through therapy and that is the great payoff that you will know your loved one is so proud of you. Just don't give up however frustrated you feel. You may need to change therapist if personalities get in the way. Just don't give up. Use support groups and don't isolate. I am coming from experience by making all of the mistakes that one person could make..I did
I ended up nearly drinking myself to death, had to have multiple Gastrointestinal surgeries that almost took my life,had to be hit several times with the paddles to get me back. I am going to be 69 in a few weeks and the only thing that most of my doctor's say is to prescribe opioids to try and keep me comfortable. With all the restrictions put on prescribing high doses of them I am in a catch 22.
I say all of this because for years I didn't stick with therapy which I believe with all my heart that if I had I would have processed all the pent up grief over the years I would not be in the condition I am in today. I beg you to seek all help available by professional trained folks that can get you through this. It will never go away completely but with help you will pick up the tools needed to get through life.
Peace and Love
Dumping1..aka
Tim Shockley

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I am going through the same thing. My mom passed away in October from COPD. What helped me is having a counselor tell me that sometimes people get stuck in one memory and we just keep playing it over and over. He told me to try and bundle that memory with all of the memories I had of that person. There’s no single magic time to heal but it does seem to get better.

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It's normal and I went through the same thing too. I cared for both my parents. My Daddy died first and my Momma went 9 months later. I would have reoccurring nightmares of my Momma being alive and healthy again, only to suddenly die in my arms and look like she did when she passed. I would wake up in a total panic attack. Go to the doctor and get a physical. I was anemic and sick since I poured my all into them and didn't take care of myself as well. Make sure you take care of your health so you can feel your best. If that includes antidepressants and anxiety meds for now then do it for yourself. Also start to exercise and eat right. An unhealthy body doesn't help a hurting mind. Exercise helps to lift mood. Even if all you do is get out and walk it will help your spirits! Start to make new connections and allow yourself to live again. Let the people who love you help you through the pain. It will lessen with time. For me it took about a year and a half to feel normal again. You cant skip the grief you must go through it to get to the other side of it. I promise as time passes the thoughts will lessen and you will begin to remember the good moments. You will be able to look back on this and smile one day. For now, take care of you. Dont suppress the grief, it will come out one way or another, but allow yourself to both grieve and go on living. Let yourself have those moments on purpose so you can get up and do other things on purpose too. I've been where you are and I promise this too shall pass. God bless you and I'm praying for you.

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I appriciate your honesty. Some people think trying to skip grief makes us look stronger to others. Regardless of religion, race or gender everyone should be able to grieve without shame. In the U.S.A. it's become vogue to pretend we don't feel the loss at all. Denial doesn't heal the mind or heart.

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Godblessmom, Grief is truly like a shipwreck poem, well said. I do find strength in the statement that scar tissue comes in stronger.

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It has been 3 years and I am still dealing at times with my mom's rough demise which took 19 months...in and out of end of life symptoms. I guess it is PTS.
It started with a fall and in and out of hospitals and rehab NH's. At the end she was on hospice in my home, bedridden with numerous problems. 13 years prior she had been diagnosed with an inoperable abdominal cancer that seemed non-existent after the radiation. At that time she was given 6 months to live, yet went on mostly symptomless 13 and a half more years.
The last 19 months were the worst time. The things that happened and stupidity of staff in facilities has created much anger in me that I have never gotten over. In the first rehab after the fall, which was a 5 star Medicare rated facility, she developed a tailbone sore that was stage 4. I did not know about this until she was rushed to the hospital from this facility with delirium from a UTI! She had frightening delirium several more times later. After another episode and hospitalization she went to another 5 star NH for rehab. Some incompetent woman on staff there dropped her in front of the wheelchair and broke her ankle. I took her home after she was recovered. Then more delirium and visions that were often frightening. She would see a woman's head spinning around on top of her TV or yell because she thought the doorbell rang at 3 am. I had nurses train me to give insulin shots and do wound care. The wound was to the tailbone and the dressing had to be protected with a gauze from the diarrhea which was the result of radiation burns years ago from the cancer treatment. This was a constant daily battle. I had to empty bloody catheter bags as well
I did have a wonderful hospice team and could not have gotten through this time without them, though most of the work fell on me.
My mom wanted to find peace and she finally did after 19 months of hell. I try not to be angry at the incompetence I witnessed. I try to not see the things I saw during those 19 long months. I got through it doing the best I could to keep mom comfortable and doing little things like flowers on her dinner tray, photos on the dresser, nice classical music she liked. Most of the time I am ok, but I am not over this as it has left me angry. At least I don't jump at loud noises anymore. Old friends bragging about their great and perfect lives after their parents passed on did not help either. I was also thrown into care for MI, 88, after a year's break because my husband's sister who was living with MIL died.
This whole thing left me with scars, though I am trying very hard to enjoy what I can because I know my mom would not want me to be this way. I suppose it depends on how bad the memories are and how much you try to build new memories. During mom's demise I got out old photos of her past, happier life and looking at those really helped. There was so much more to her life than the rough ending time. With time the bad memories fade but with me will never fully go away because of the length of time endured and lack of help. Try looking at photos of happier times. This does help me. {{hugs}}, Katie.

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Katie, I think the Universe dragged both of us along the same path... Your story is eerily similar to mine with my Mom... She lived with me (was 95, had Macular Degeneration & used a walker, but bright and took care of herself) until she fell and broke her hip and wrist... She had successful ortho surgery (although that involved the first of many difficult decisions I got to make - no siblings/partner/etc. - just the two of us) The doc said "we" had two options - #1, do nothing - she'd be bedridden for life - Seriously?! That wasn't an option! of #2, surgery, but she probably wouldn't make it through the operation... OK, but it gave her a shot! She flew through, into a regular room, and out in 4 days to the first clone I somehow found to your abusive, incompetent "5 star" facilities... Mom had almost no circulation legs/feet - they KNEW - but they didn't float her feet off the bed and dragged "TEDS" pressure stockings on and off - carelessly and roughly - and in less than a week both heels were black, spongy and necrotic and the tops of her feet were ripped open with horrific wounds. I won't go in the rest of the details of the next 2 years, but we both went through Hell - she physically, because her feet were so ruined she never made it home, had wound care/dressing changes every other day for over a year, had a total bypass below her right knee (5 1/2 hour surgery and 10 days in ICU) when the deepest unhealed wound blew up into a huge ulcer w/exposed tendons and she refused amputation... Then more surgery to take out the exposed tendons - 10 more days ICU - then MRSA from the hospital - a month in a really grim facility that was capable of daily IV antibiotic infusions - and then, finally, an "intermediate level" nursing home for the rest of her life... There were more incidents of incompetence, errors, carelessness in every facility - from the hospital that didn't help her with food because they didn't bother to remember/pay attention that she was blind (she did really well, but it was pretty prominent in her record?) That time, when I visited her in the afternoon after she was hospitalized for sepsis (from her wounds, of course!) she said she was pretty hungry, and didn't they provide meals? It was about 3 pm... I asked the nurse why she hadn't been fed, and she - pretty snotty, actually - said "all she has to do is choose from the menu, pick up the phone and call the kitchen to order anything she wants!" I wasn't very nice when I said "That would be a really nice thing if she could see the menu to read it, and find and use the phone to call in her order - you do realize she's BLIND!? Did you look at her chart?" On and on and on... tip of the iceberg... Finally, in the end, a CNA was transferring her from her wheelchair to a shower chair, and Mom said "I'm slipping! I'm going to fall!" and the CNA couldn't catch her... She did fall and broke both bones - tibia and fibula - below her left knee... She went all day with that broken leg, because no one realized it was that hurt... They did contact her doc's office (I hated that woman!) to get permission to have an outside x-ray company come in - in fact, they called 3 times and faxed once - but never got a response. In the afternoon, I called and asked what the results were and when I heard they hadn't gotten an answer back from her "doctor" I made a call and they had their answer in 5 minutes, but by that time the company was closing and wouldn't be able to come until the next day... I said to take her to ER by ambulance (by now she was barely coherent, didn't recognize me, her leg was very bruised and swelling badly). They x-rayed, said it was badly broken but so swollen all they could do was splint it and sent her back to the nursing home...

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Grief is like a shipwreck poem

“Alright, here goes. I'm old. What that means is that I've survived (so far) and a lot of people I've known and loved did not. I've lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can't imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here's my two cents.
I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don't want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don't want it to "not matter". I don't want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can't see.

As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.

In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.

Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out.

Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too. If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.”

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So beautifully said. Thank you.

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It took me a great while too...I would say give it a few months....I needed xanax to get the image out of my head....I also find "Visualization technique" to work wonders for me. I would "Envision a trunk"...I would put my "bad memory" in a trunk, and close the lid." I would drag the trunk over to the edge of a cliff, and push it over the edge, watching it sink into the ocean below, never to resurface." It takes a few tries...but you just keep doing it...and those awful images will cease to exist.

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When my dad died, it took several months for me to not see him in his moment of death as the first thing. After waiting too long, I did end up going to my therapist who happens to specialize in grief counselling. It's been almost two years. I can now think of my dad without crying. My first thought is not of death, but of his infectious smile and personality. I do find that I get very sad when the anniversary comes up, but I muddle through. I don't want to say that it gets better, but time does help the overwhelming sadness not to show up as often. If my link doesn't work, Google Ball in a Box Analogy for Grief.
https://themighty.com/2018/12/ball-box-analogy-grief/

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Life is suffering, but only for the living. I'm dealing with my mom dying--slowly--due to very late stages of Alzheimer's and I am going through a living hell. Her care is monumentally difficult and fills me with stress from the moment I wake until she is finally back in bed. She is often dead weight and I've gotten injured just trying to care for her by myself. At least when your loved one finally passes, there will be closure. All the pain, anger, and even guilt (no matter how well you try you will feel guilty over something!) will eventually be replaced with a sense of peace knowing you did all you could for them and fulfilled what was expected of you. We all are going to die. There is no escaping that. But I know I'll freak out when mom dies because I been her caregiver for 20 years. I will have to learn how to think without mom being the center of my life and my only purpose in life is to clean, change, and feed her. In other words, the bills will be coming in and I will have to reforge my life and go on with the business--the business--of living, surviving, struggling. I know when mom dies she will be in a better place. Her suffering will be over. Mine will only begin.

I know this will sound awful -- and I don't know how old you are or your living arrangements, but MOST caregivers will once again have to earn a living, and that will be monumentally difficult due to age discrimination in the work place. Employers tend to shy away from older Americans; still you will have to get back to the work force. My neighbor told me he had to get back to work when his wife died (he ended up having to quit his job to care for her), and he said working really helps a lot.

A dead body will not bother me compared to the mess I'm going to have to deal with...but at least I got everything taken care of before she dies: Prearranged cremation, and eldercare attorney got the estate prepared so nothing will go into probate. The more you get prearranged the smoother it will be to transition to life without mom. Prearranged funerals are best because the funeral home can really take advantage of your grief and gouge you because you are not thinking straight. I am NOT going to spend a fortune on body disposal because I have to go on living. The time to pay homage to a person is when they are alive, and you love and care for them. When they pass it's too late.

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Segoline, I'm so sorry. It's very fresh for you. My mother died almost a year ago and for weeks afterwards the images just haunted me. After some time they haunted me less frequently and less intensely. At this point I still ache when I go to the places where I used to take my Mom (the library, the local Walmart, the drug store, McDonald's) because of all my memories of being there with her, or driving her in the car.

My saving grace was that one of my sisters was there with me at my Mother's house for the last few days of her life, and we talked about it for hours over the first few weeks after her death. I remember being really hesitant to talk to anyone else about it - I didn't want to drag anyone else into my angst and leave those images in anyone else's mind.

My mother's passing was relatively peaceful, but still it was awful. You will heal from this, but it takes time. Grief counseling is a good idea. There are many of us here who understand and can relate to what you're feeling. Give yourself time and try to take care of yourself now, as best you can. Hugs!!!

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Segoline, I understand, about what Cassandra explained.

Can you picture the last time you held your mother's hand while she was alive? I'm thinking, maybe, if you form a strong, different image it will help to shut out the traumatic imagined one.

This is a horrible time and I feel for you.

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How do you get past the end of life very graphic images?

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