My MIL (91) has Alzheimer’s. She moved in with us this year (my husband and I both retired December 31st - yes, we really messed up our retirement within three weeks of starting it). We did it for all the “right” reasons. On top of that, we have the moral high-ground over other family members who refused to take her - yeah, ask me how that’s working out for us! It’s not that I don’t love my MIL - there are times when she is a sweetheart, but there are times when I am seriously doubting my own sanity. She pee’d all over the house in the first two weeks she was here (yes, we use incontinence pads, she lowers them to pee on the floor then pulls them back up). Solution, we got a motion sensor. Great, no more “accidents” but now, I am up four (minimum) times a night with her wandering around and needing the toilet. I’m working on an average of 2-hrs sleep a night for the past eight weeks. That is an indicator of where I am emotionally, but it isn’t the problem. She treats me (actually is convinced) that this is a nursing home and I am staff. She orders me around with a very disrespectful and nasty tone. She is convinced my husband is hers (no matter how many times we try to convince her otherwise) and thinks I am the hired help trying to steal her man. It was mildly amusing to start with - we didn’t really think she believed that, but as time has gone by, it is becoming downright creepy. My husband doesn’t want to be left in the room with his mother because she gets very inappropriate.
Add to that the belligerent attitude, the constant (CONSTANT) complaining and the way she expects me to jump when she says so - it’s making me crazy. We humour her every whim - my husband won’t ever push back, I try but she tells me she’ll report me to my supervisor if I don’t do what she wants. It is the hardest thing I have ever had to do, and there is no end in sight - this has to be the healthiest 91-yr old in history - apart, of course, from the disease slowly eating her brain. I feel like it’s eating mine too. And it is blowing our once happy home apart. My husband and I snip and gripe at each other all day long. I never thought we would be here so soon into caring for her. I don’t think anyone can tell me it will improve, but lie to me please - I need some hope.
However, regardless of how committed you are to taking care of those you love, it will take more than two people to meet all of the needs, particularly if care is required 24/7. Unfortunately, caregivers who are over 60 may suffer stress and exhaustion from trying to "do it all," such that they may become ill or injured in the process.
You need balance and you need it now. I'm not sure if funds are at stake that you're trying to preserve for later use or if the opposite problem of lack of funding exists. It also sounds as if you are good, principled people who consistently try to do the right thing but are now in over your heads. It's easy to begin to drown without realizing that it's happening.
Find out how much money you have to work with and determine what you can and cannot physically do on a daily basis. Meet with an elder care attorney, an accountant if necessary, and a geriatric internal medicine physician to discuss possibilities which can range from having someone come into the home, engaging respite care away from home either in memory care or adult day care centers, and moving her into memory care altogether. And although hospice might not accept her, they might, so it can't hurt to have an evaluation. They can help with equipment, supplies, medicines related to the illness, bathing, regular checkups and intermittent babysitting in the home for a couple of hours at a time.
It's important to be honest with yourselves, the rest of the family and the geriatric internal medicine physician regarding your hopes and your limitations. The worst that can happen is for either you or your husband to become incapacitated and for all of you to go down together with the ship.
You're not alone, but each of us is unique to our own situation. Be as loving and principled as you can be to yourselves as well as to your mother in law, make the best decision you can for the moment (remember, things change), work hard to meet those obligations while continually evaluating the reality of the situation, and afford yourself the same understanding that you give to others.
Bless you.
There are groups that will send volunteers to sit with her and give you a break.
I love how people throw out the "Just stick them in a home." answer... For some people it's not that simple and those people have their reasons for doing what they're doing when it really comes time and a doctor highly recommends it then I'd consider it until then maybe show a bit more support and a bit less of the insensitivity.
SJLSJL - Do whats right in your heart, keep in touch with your MIL's doctor or doctor's and get their opinions and listen to the options they suggest, it's not easy.
Depending on the state you reside there are a few that have Caregiver Aid and Acts to help you in this situation your local Senior Affairs office should be able to help with all the paperwork, speak with a healthcare worker (Nurse or Doctor) and they should be able to point you in the right direction.
I personally didn't know anything about a Caregiver Aid until I started poking around and placing phone calls.
In FL it's called "SHINE" or Senior Connections Center they'll help you as much as they can, I believe most states have something similar so start with that.
On a practical point there are specialized clothing that does up in the back that she can't get out of without assistance - they are 1 piece jump suits - I got some different stuff for my mom at 'SILVERT.COM' but saw a lady at her NH that wore them so that she wouldn't undress - if you can't find what you want there try the internet -
Also get child's monitors & an alarm that will go off when she opens her door - good luck