Many of you have seen my posts about family dynamics. I won’t go into those now.
Just a little update since last post - I thought I had seen my mom for the last time. But I decided to be the bigger person and make enough amend with my brother and SIL to bring ME peace and to allow some updates on mom’s health. My view of the whole thing has not changed. I feel good about what I did though. I’ve had some peaceful visits with mom. I think they’ve helped her but I know they have helped ME.
now we are in mom’s THIRD hospitalization in less than two months. Not quite 2 weeks since last one. Same old same old. Fluid/volume overload from CHF. The last hospitalization they put her on BIPAP at night to rid her body of CO2 because blood levels were persistently high. I believe it bought her a little more time only and at least made her more alert. Her mind had been affected for sure
I so wish we could take her home with hospice. No go. Just more rehab and hospitalizations. I believe her mind is not capable of making decisions regarding her own care now and as I’ve said before, the one with POA (not me anymore) doesn’t seem to want to go there. So here we are again.
it has now been almost 3 months since she broke her hip. She still can’t get out of bed or toilet without major help.
feel free to share any of your own experiences/thoughts with chf and respiratory issues in a 90+ yo. I’m not expecting real answers because I realize no one can know.
I hope it brings all of you some peace.
Mom/brother finally decided to put mom under hospice care. She will be moved to a hospice house locally and will be under their care for rest of hospital stay.
so grateful. It was the right decision.
My dad had CHF, it took his life. He, too, wanted full code, no hospice, he was going to live to 140 years old. When it was his time to go, he went. The same will happen to your mom, medical science can do much, except change our number and when we are called we're outta here, no matter what.
I am so happy for you that you are getting some healing and good memories with your mom. May The Lord continue to bless you all.
A strong woman who obviously doesn't want to let go of life.
The rest is beyond your control so please don't guilt yourself over any of it. You don't have the POA for her so there's nothing you can do about whatever decision the POA makes about her remaining in the current situation.
Give yourself a break. Get some rest and be kind to yourself.
It does help hearing your experiences and reassurance and to see what often happens, like w/mom, is not unusual. it gives me a stable perspective. It’s just hard to believe a body can take so much and still keep living. I’ve never witnessed it firsthand like this. Keep them coming for anyone who would like to share or if you just find it therapeutic.
With mom, because of the strong minded person she always has been, the only thing she knows is ‘fight fight fight’ yet with her own mother and others she has seen struggle, she has voiced hospice/SNF as best options….for them. I truly believe she has thought she’d never need it. Again.. now her cognitive function has been so affected I truly believe she doesn’t know what she needs. But fighting is all she knows, so no hospice or DNR for her, and she’s obviously made that choice. I’m finally getting to accept it even as I wish something else for her.
To reiterate though, I believe my visits HAVE helped mom for whatever reason. Yes I believe ultimately she’d be ok if I didn’t visit as she has my brother at her disposal at anytime. As I said, humbly making what amends I could, even though I felt in the right, has left the door open so he will at least let me know when she has been admitted, but that is all. I’ll take what I can get.
My religious faith has been what has helped me more than anything, in finally coming to grips with the whole thing. Also my husband daughters and son in law have provided a lot of support so I’m finally able to really focus on the positive aspects in my life. I am so much more at peace even though not a lot has changed. In the end I will be able to move on and I believe in some sense I already am.
Thank you for coming on this journey with me.
Best of luck, Wag.
I believe Mom was first diagnosed with CHF and Afib four years ago. Hospitalized with massive fluid overload, and sent home. Then hospitalized with dehydration a couple of weeks later because she was too strict limiting fluid intake. Back to the hospital with fluid overload periodically after that. Last summer she was hospitalized for 3 weeks with fluid overload and probably had a thoracentesis 10 times.
Now she developed diuretic resistance so the cardiologist increased her Bumex, but that wasn’t sufficient so she was in the hospital last week. They took off around 7 liters of excess fluid that time.
Now she’s on Torsemide 2x daily and will soon additionally begin receiving a Bumex infusion once a week to try and prevent more fluid buildup.
Anyway, this is just my mom’s experience. Your mom may have a different experience but this has been a long struggle for my mom.
I know your mom has had a very rough year and the family dynamics are a huge strain, and I’m sorry to hear about all of that as well.
You say that your reconnection has been very good for your mother.
You says that it has NOT been very good for you.
Just as a reminder, it is your mother who is dying now, and this is about her.
To my mind you are doing the RIGHT thing. You have brought her peace. I don't quite know why you cannot consider this as a real positive in your own life, but I suspect reasons go deep.
To me it doesn't matter that you cannot accept this for the good you have created.
It matters that your mother is more at peace.
No matter the interventions your brother insists on, they are his choice, what he as POA thinks best for her. Support him and let him know you understand that he is doing what he feels is in her best interest. Thank him for cooperating in allowing your visits, which you understand are good for her.