Mom has vascular dementia, she brings me pictures of my deceased father and tells me it’s her dad, when I tell her its my father and her husband she gets angry and hides out in her bedroom.
The other day she said when my younger brother was little, around 10, that he ran away from home and bought a house with a friend of his and she has never seen him again, its not true and we visited him about 6 weeks ago and she has no recollection of the visit. Her memory is about 5 minutes and then whatever we did for the day is just gone. Do you think its time for a memory care facility?
It's very possible her mind is back many years ago and remembers her husband as a young man. Maybe she sees this older picture and her brain goes to father. Doesn't really matter. She already doesn't remember exactly how the guy in the picture is related to her, but does know that he is. If her brain says it's her dad, then go with it. What does it hurt.
It sounds to me like she'd qualify for MC. Where does she live now? Different MCs have different setups so check a few out and get on the waiting list. Do you have POA to make this decision for her?
Best of luck.
My mother ruminates hate of her father. We didn't really like him, however, her incessant negative talk is very hard to take now. Again, we couldn't get her off the topic and she got very angry so we would gave her a timeout of 5 minutes.
It was a phase, of a long length. She eventually ruminated about other things and other people including her mother's death. However, it was the incontinence and the denial of incontinence plus belligerence, that made me finally place my Mom in Memory Care.
From my point of view, MC allows me to walk out and not have to listen or deal with the aggravating behavior. When she was going over and over again, how someone wronged her, I could say "Mom, it has been nice talking with you, see you tomorrow" and walk out. For that, MC is priceless. She is currently back to ruminating about her father. However, this time, it is much easier for us to leave the conversation now that she is in MC.
I've often wondered if the reason why they dwell on the negative is because they can't see enough or remember enough positive in their world. With their lack of cognitive thinking, since the negative memories are the strongest, they lack the ability to frame those negative thoughts.
Sucks.
Deciding to move someone to Memory Care or Assisted Living is a very individualized experiece.
She divorced him 35 years ago, but has to still bring up every single thing he did to ruin her life. The guys were saying that it is just so depressing to see that she not only never forgave him for the life she had with him, she's been carrying this hate around like a cancer.
My DH said that one night she went off on me. No secret that she despises me. She told DH a bunch of unbelievable stories, that he KNEW weren't true, but she insisted they were. She felt she had to tell him the 'truth' about me.
I guess this went on for hours, off and on. DH was so angry, he gave her her meds and told her to put herself to bed. And he went out on the back porch and ignored her for the rest of his shift. (back when they were doing 24/7's).
I'm sorry she did this to him, but I am'glad' that she did b/c he never believed me.
He apologized for not having my back--but it's been 48 years. I'm kind of over her.
When she gets going on some subject, she has to beat it to death. If they try re-direction, it makes her even angrier.
Thank goodness for that whopping dose of Xanax they keep shoving in her. Without it, I think she'd be in a psych ward somewhere.
I’m always surprised at what my husband says to others, but no need to put my two cents worth into it. After 54 years of marriage I found out today that he was an Air Force pilot! Led 40 people to safety while he was a swim instructor. What a busy life he has had! No harm, no fowl.
As for going along with her "stories," as long as it doesn't create harm for herself or others - don't correct her. You know the truth and her inability to remember correctly is her problem, not yours.
It's not their fault that their brains are deteriorating.
If she showed me a picture and was mistaken about the identity, I'd just say "well isn't he handsome!" or something like that.
Whatever comforts my mother is what I say.
~Southiebella
Many seniors didn’t seem to have regular visits from family members and they would chat with everyone who walked through the doors.
Occasionally, I would stop to speak to a few of the permanent residents at the home.
One woman asked me to push her wheelchair out into the parking lot so she could find her car and return home to her young son.
I was caught off guard and said, ‘Young son? You’re an old woman. Your son must be an adult.’
She says, “I beg your pardon! I’m only 36 years old and my son is only 9 years old.”
Just then, another resident rolled over with her wheelchair and said, “Don’t pay any attention to Charlotte! She thinks she’s a young woman.”
I don’t know what made me ask her what was her son’s name. She gave me his full name and out of curiosity I looked up the name on Google. I found him. Her son was about my age and lived close by.
Later in the week I saw her son visiting his mother. She had no idea that he was her son.
It’s terribly sad that memories get all jumbled up in a person’s mind when they have advanced dementia.
You can ask her about the things in her stories. Let her talk. Don't try to correct her. As far as where she lives, it is wherever she can be safest and getting the best care possible.
have to learn how live their world.
they need to live where they can be
safe and get best care
My parents just went into a nursing home. My mom has some form of dementia and she was completely unsafe in their home. Wandering at night, falling, she had horrible hallucinations and lost everything she touched. She is safer now but I do not think she is happy. BUT she was not happy in their home either. She cried all the time and she and my father screamed and fought. Now my dad is pretty comfortable in the nursing home. She is not but sometimes you have to choose the best option when there is not a good option.
disease
I learned to just enjoy the story unless it is upsetting to them and
then I just steer the conversation away into something else.
"correcting" them can be harmful and cause a lot of problems.
Dementia means the brain is dying. You have to float along with
whatever is working at the time.
If wandering away is not an issue, a regular AL unit offers a more challenging environment.
I’ve been told that in some states the mere diagnosis of dementia mandates placement in a MC unit. My sister has been placed in a MC unit in CA based on this alleged mandate. This MC unit is more expensive than AL units. It is dingy and offers her no hope of companionship with other residents. Despite the higher cost, the facility claims it is unable to provide her with needed additional nighttime supervision to prevent falls. Sorry - I am not sure why they cost more! My sister has NO physical health issues so needs only minimal nursing care. I’ve advised my adult children to avoid MC units for me.
It's okay to go along with delusions that are harmless. If she thinks a picture of your father is her father, just tell her he's a handsome man. Don't correct her because there's no point. I once had an elderly client with dementia who thought she was secretly married to Elvis Presley. So we just went along with it because it made her happy and kept her calm.
If her delusions start becoming paranoid and she gets aggressive with you or her other caregivers, that's when she should be placed into managed care.
If caring for her becomes too much for you and your family, that's when it's time for placement.
If you need a respite break from her, Medicare will pay for up to two weeks a year in a care facility to give caregivers a break.
Act on this ASAP as she potentially could be or become unsafe due to the expressed cognitive deficits you describe.
And yes, with the memory issues and agitation you described, it’s likely time to look for memory care.
My BIL is in a memory care facility right now not because of his stories but because he fell outside of his apartment and laid on the ground for 30 minutes a neighbor found him and this was in fall so if it would have happened in winter he could have died.
If your mom is alone then yes its time for a place for her. If she lives with you and you can't take care of her then yes its time. It maybe a good place but when you do please make it just like home for her. Take pictures she has on the walls, take her bedding, if she has a favorite chair she sits in take it. That is what we did with my BIL he has his recliner, bedding, hats on the wall, pictures on the wall, a dry erase board with numbers on it, his clothes are in the closet, he has his own TV, and he has a small fridge where he has his own pop and water in it.
Prayers
As far as how long you go along with the stories, the answer is forever. My mother concocted an imaginary husband within weeks of my dad's death, and he because part of the family for the next 2 1/2 years until she died. Depending on the day, he worked for NASA, was a telephone line repairman, or was a private pilot for the Kennedy family, so you can imagine how wild the stories were.
It was really hard to put up with those stories because she was madly in love with this imaginary man (who was based on her real-life first boyfriend) and she forgot 66 years of marriage with my dad in mere days. Eventually, though, we came to realize that this guy brought her comfort, and she was so disconnected from reality that Dan was the one constant she could count on. The time came that she forgot what our relationship was (during the Covid lockdown), but her caregivers said she made it through that lockdown period much better than many other residents in her MC because Dan never left her. We were so grateful for that comfort that my brother actually considered mentioning him during Mom's memorial service. (I vetoed that, since sharing the craziness of dementia didn't need to be spread far and wide.)
It's a tough time for you, but try to go with her reality as much as possible. Her sense of people, time and place is broken up like a jigsaw puzzle, and you can't reassemble it.
Just go along with whatever she says despite how ridiculous to keep the peace.
Also it probably wouldn't hurt if you educated yourself more about the disease of dementia so you can be better prepared for what to expect.
Sadly what you're describing with your mom is quite "normal" for someone with dementia, and it doesn't sound like you have the patience to be dealing with her, so perhaps it is best that she be placed in a memory care facility where you can get back to just being her daughter and advocate and not her caregiver, as folks with dementia require a lot of patience and care.
I wish you well going forward on this journey with your mom.
I am going to take your last question first
I am going to assume mom lives with you since you say she brings photos to you then she hides in her bedroom.
You ask if it is "time for a Memory Care facility"
That is sort of up to you.
Is mom safe in your home?
Can you continue to care for her as she declines, the memory gets worse, she is incontinent, she has to have food minced or pureed, liquids thickened? These are just a few of the things to contend with.
If the house is not safe for mom, if she can't use a walker or a wheelchair or you can't use equipment to help transfer her or move her from one area to another then MC is an option. Or caregivers can be paid to come in and help. Or changes can be made so the house is more accessible for her. (if these things have not yet been done.)
How do you handle the stories?
you go with the flow.
Ask her about the person in the picture.
Do not correct her, do not tell her that the person in the photo is your dad when she thinks it is her dad.
You will NEVER "win" an argument with a person with dementia. Trying to correct her will get her upset, frustrate both of you and leave you both angry.
When she tells the story about your brother, ask her more questions about what happened, who he was with.
Time is either stretched or compressed with dementia and it can be both at the same time. It is possible that the story of your brother running away when he was 10 may well have been when he went to college or got married.
But even if that is not the case does it really truly do her any harm to weave the stories she wants to? As long as she is not frightened about a photo, about what she thinks might have happened to your brother. If that does happen reassure her that everything is alright but try to do so without trying to correct her. Validate her concerns and Redirect,
Just go along. It's a kindness to agree with whatever memories the disease has left her, even if all she has left gets kind of mixed together. Sometimes memories about another family member (or even a movie character) can get mixed in with their own personal histories too. It's not going to do anything but make her feel confused if you correct her. I don't know about you, but I think my mom's a little happier and easier to manage if I just agree with her. She forgets what she's told me anyway, but it was hard to get the hang of it at first...:). Someone on the Alzheimer's boards said their loved one said it was like looking at a mixed up pile of photos of their life flashing by that would suddenly stop and they would look around for the people from that time and it wouldn't match who they saw in real-time.