I know, a weird title, so my apologies. My mother, 77 in May, is going to find other arrangements since I will be moving. She and I lived together since I moved back, but I want to further my career, have a relationship, and be independent.
My mom, thankfully, is still physically and mentally able to care for herself. She needs help with computer-related stuff, but mentally is fine. My brother is kind of ticked I don't want to like that with my Mom, that is, living with her. I want to be sure my mom is safe and in a good place. So does my aunt and brother.
My mom said she doesn't want to live with my brother or I, and wants a studio apartment. Her Social Security isn't much, but my brother suggested we both contribute like $300 each to supplement.
My point is, I love my mom so much, but do I need to live with her? Do I "owe it to her" as my brother states?
When did people become so callous & so self-centered??
We were not put on this earth to only think about ourselves!!
All groups of caring humans do anything they can for one another-no matter who they are. My husband & I were fortunate enough to give of our time, our strength, financial help to our children, to both of our parents, inlaws, friends/neighbors. Some lived w/us, some we spent many years with. We are not rich by any means. In fact, my first paying job was getting paid for picking cotton @8 yrs old.
We never turned our backs on anyone- especially our parents!!!
I feel there is another question here, but not sure what it is.
- How you feel about yourself
- How you feel about making a decision to move on in your life - and perhaps you feel you do not deserve to do so
- Feeling torn / guilty?
You initially appear to be very clear on what you want in your life and pursuits moving foward. If I were you, I would do some soul searching and figure how what you want, what is in your way of pursuing what you say you want, assess how you are feeling.
No one can make these decisions for you.
In some ways, you can try it out and see how your mom functions living alone.
I wonder: was she able to live alone before - when you two were living together? If not, how much support / guidance / care did you provide to her when you lived together? She won't have that level of support living alone. Does this concern you or cause you to second guess yourself?
I question how much personal power you are giving to your brother since you quote his words / what he states. What is your relationship with him? As a second thought - why doesn't your brother live with your mom ... if he is so concerned about her ... and thinking it is your responsibility (?) ... if I got this right.
Are you sure your mom can manage on her own living alone?
Is this the reason or one reason you are questioning your decisions to move forward in your own life.
I can only (think to) ask the questions that you need to ask yourself. Often we don't know what the 'best' route is when making decisions about our parents' care as they age. We do the best we can in any given moment ... we regroup as we need to.
Personally, if you and your brother can manage the finances to get your mom the (apartment) care she needs, I'd give it a try - AS - I am a firm believer in a younger person (or not) pursuing their own life pursuits - education, relationship, job/work. You deserve to be happy, too. Do not forget that.
Gena / Touch Matters
When it comes to the question of whether children "owe" their parents, I like to remember Sidney Poiter's monologue in Guess Who's Coming to Dinner. He is speaking to his father, who has just told him he owes him for all the years he had to carry a mail bag to take care of him.
"You tell me what rights I've got or haven't got, and what I owe to you for what you've done for me. Let me tell you something. I owe you nothing! If you carried that bag a million miles, you did what you were supposed to do! Because you brought me into this world. And from that day you owed me everything you could ever do for me like I will owe my son if I ever have another. But you don't own me!"
Living by herself, she will be able to stay independent longer by sheer necessity. I call my mom (87) every night, and sometimes I conference her in if I need to help her with medical things (like getting yearly re-approved for prescriptions that require that, etc), but she schedules her own paratransit rides (to see her doctors), and walks 4,500 steps or more every day she doesn't have a doctor's visit. I also have her call me when she is in with the doctor, so I know what's going on. But other than that, she does her own thing. I live 2 1/2 hours from her and try to visit every other weekend, depending on if I have a cold or if there is snow. So far so good.
Your Mom is encouraging you to be independent, by saying she does not want to live with you or your brother and wants her own studio apartment.
My guess is that you feel guilty because she lived with your brother for a while and now it's "your turn"? There is nothing to feel guilty about. Every parent should push their child from the nest so she can fly.
I'm curious as to why your Mom moved in with your brother? Was it upon the death of your step-father? If so, your brother wasn't helping in the long run by not having a plan for your Mom to regain her independence. Is your Mom healthy both physically and mentally? Sounds like she is, but she is just lonely and not used to living alone.
The suggestion of a subsidized senior apartment is something to be looked into.
Start getting your Mom involved in social activities. The local senior center may have things she is interested in. Many YMCAs have free admission under Medicare's Silver Sneakers program for those 65 and older. Once she is active again, she will build confidence in herself.
Good luck.