In my late 30’s with no kids, I’d like to know how caring for someone with dementia compares to children/toddlers.
I’ve been in a caring role pretty much my whole life,... one brother has a disability, my late brother got sick and passed and now I look after Mum with dementia.
Her outbursts often remind me of a toddler tantrum and the fact that when things are quiet, typically a mess is being made.
It has seriously started messing with my head and made me question if I want kids and I’d like to hear some perspectives / differences.
I know obviously kids learn rather than forget so that’s rewarding but if I’m burned out now with caring for Mum, will I ever cope as a parent? Or should I take this a clue that maybe I’m not suited.
I'm starting to find even the task of cooking for my mum and prepping her to bed exhausting. As in, I’m so tired that I’ve resorted to part microwave meals and at times I’ve simply nodded off on the sofa before getting her into bed. I’ve then got up to put her into bed and usually she’s been awake the whole time. I’d hate to think I'd be similar with kid(s) where I feed them microwave food and fall asleep before them!
I know it's a silly silly question but I guess not a lot of people tend to have the experience of looking after someone with dementia before they start their own family so they go in kind of blind.
Please tell me kids are a lot easier lol
Additional note: one of my friends has a baby/toddler and while we are going through similar responsibilities (ironically), she seems to still have all this energy to do stuff, go exercise, socialize, keep the house spotless etc. So I find myself wondering if it’s just me...
You can’t go back and have kids, you’ll want to enjoy your grandkids as you age. Who will be there for you?
Please don’t forget about your life, I think kids are so worth it. I don’t blame you for re-thinking everything when you constantly give. Only you can change the outcome of your life, not someone else’s.
Caring for a baby is more generally positive and more frequently uplifting. Babies look at the world with wonder and joy. They can smile easily and it is fun to watch them learn and grow.
Where the two are similar: in both cases, you can get so tired. Days seem longer than 24 hours. You can run out of time for yourself easily. Time passes generally too fast - you lose your loved ones and your kids grow up and move away… all so quickly.
I recommend both. Raising my kids and caring for my parents have both been very important to me. Nowadays, both of these jobs are typically outsourced, but I’m glad I made the time and made both a priority.
There are similarities, but there is no pay-off for elder care, just struggling to accept the inevitable and all that end-of-life care entails. The other difference is that pregnant ladies are young (well, most are) and most who are caring for their parents and spouses are in a different age group and a lower energy level.
With elders, the stages of decline are not predictable at all. Medicine can only identify and measure some elements, and doesn't do a good job looking at the whole elder. No matter how much and what kind of health care, home care, nutrition, etc....an elder will decline and continue to lose abilities, especially once dementia is identified.
Elder care is much harder, little meaningful support from family and friends and our culture makes it isolating.
Sufferers of dementia usually experience continuing loss of memory and function. Medications work for awhile but eventually stop working. If the sufferer lives long enough, he or she may need 24/7 care that can be beyond the abilities of one caregiver. In some ways the loss of function in sufferers mimics a reverse in childhood as the sufferer usually has more anxiety and frustration over things beyond his/her control.
Don't put silly ideas in your head that the type of care giving you're doing bears ANY resemblance to child rearing. If it did, parents would have stopped having children eons ago.
I have no children myself thanks to caregiving responsibilities. However I would say that a toddler is easier because (1) they are smaller and easier to handle than an adult, (2) they get easier to deal with as they get older while an elderly person does not, (3) they don't think they are in charge of you and that you should respect them.
If you want to have children you will have to make some hard decisions very soon. Those decisions will be much easier if you have a supportive partner. If you don't have a supportive partner children may no longer be an option for you.
Sorry for being harsh but I have walked that road and regret not putting myself first and being selfish when I was younger.
Babies grow quickly and progress in ability.
Dementia patients decline and decline in ability.
Babies are in diapers for 2 to 3 years.
Dementia patients never progress out of diapers.
Babies learn to sleep through the night.
Dementia patients lose the ability to sleep through the night unless they are sedated and sometimes that doesn't work either.
Babies always know who their mother and father and siblings are.
Dementia patients lose their ability to recognize even the closest family members.
Babies and children live in reality.
Dementia patients do not live in reality.
You can take babies and children anywhere - they love to play and learn and see new things.
Dementia patients are extremely difficult to transport as they lose their ability to see and hear and even walk.
Babies and children grow up and become gradually more independent.
Dementia patients become more dependent - more needy and usually more demanding.
Your babies and children will have your heart until the end of time. ❤️
Of course we love our dementia patient or we wouldn't be caring for them, but it's different.
Kids are cute and cuddly most of the time, she is not.
Kids will grow and learn, she will only forget more.
Kids love bath time, I never know from one time to the next if she will only reluctantly comply or scream and curse, call me names and tell me she hates me.
Being a parent is rewarding, watching your parent decline is drudgery.
Kids have a future, dementia is ALL downhill in the sewer.
Time for a break. The routine of either of these responsibilities are mind blowing. Don’t take to heart taking care of mom and compare it with children and rule out the joy of motherhood. As I have taken care of most of my family, as you have, I’ve also had the joy of two children. They are both burnouts but different.
The children would take you to the edge but at night nothing is more wonderful than to kiss the little devils goodnight and shake your head.
As for mom, as mine have said as I washed her and dressed her .. to find her upset because she wet the bed.
I’m sorry … she said … I felt so relaxed and comfortable to know you are here to help me at this time in my life.. but remember she said … Once a mom ..twice a child!! My answer … I’m only giving back what I was taught and so the care you have given to me when I wet the bed is no different.
So she passed within the week I shared with her and to this day.. it was the most rewarding experience of my life .. yet it broke my heart.
But I came home with both of my kids wrapped around me and thought… thank you … thank you dear God for carrying me through this and thank you for my children who in turn had helped me through the hardest part of my life.
So Cappy… don’t rule it out with a bad time in the long run … your heart will be thankful for sharing her time. As crazy as it may be and smile and shake your head, because she did teach you how to be a MOM.
Taking care of a deteriorating loved one: the adorable one is rapidly deteriorating. Some are trying SO hard to not loose skills of daily living. The caretaking on this end only gets more intense.
Much good advice on this forum. I can say I've spontaneously just broken down in tears with the elderly care versus the kid care including one special health concerns kid.
Get some tools in place to get care for mom. You are obviously a loving caring person
My daughter married late, first time marriage for her and her husband. Child now 7, daughter late 40s SIL 50. Grandson is very intelligent and very very active. Daughter has MS, under control but she tires easily, needs a mid-day rest, and organises her life for part-time professional work. SIL has a demanding project-management job. Grandson is being far more difficult than anticipated, and would be much easier if parents were in their 20s with less stressful jobs. And of course it would be far far worse if the child had disabilities (instead of great abilities and parents who want him to make the most of them).
When posters are telling you (correctly) about the joys of watching someone grow rather than watching someone decline, remember that there is another side to the coin. If you aren’t desperate about having a baby, think hard about other alternatives – fostering, aunt-ing, etc.