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Hello everyone just to update my mom condition after two strokes is starting to decline her health further because a few months back in end of may she took a blood test and the health care provider said she might have a blood clot but needed to confirm that with a ultrasound! I tried to encourage her that things would be ok and I would take her to the place for the test. So she scheduled it and then puts it off over and over and tells me she has trust issues with her young doctor since her previous doctor she loved retired who didn’t really get to see her as much but recommended test and she never completed them! So now the clot is making things worse she can’t walk and has breathing problems and pain in her legs and feet. We had emts come to help many times cause of falls and we trying to get her up from bed. It’s only me and my dad who’s also had his share of heart attack and stroke. My own health with back problems which I want do rehab myself. I’ve started to talk to her doctor since she has short term memory loss and not able to remember what day it is and what time it is and plus vision loss as she saids things seem darker to her. I asked the doctor to see if she can get home health care to help us out because me and my dad both gotta help her with going to the bathroom in the portable toilet or i myself gotta guide her to a regular bathroom. When the paramedics came last time she puts on a good show and saids she is ok and refused to get medical treatment and will not go to er at the clinic or hospital care. But the other day she talked about going into a rehab center to get help for her muscle issues but refuses to see she has blood clot cause she can’t get her legs to move and feels them getting numb. So she hits and rubs them trying to get circulation going. I” am at the point where if the health home care does call that me and my dad will tell them that she needs this help even if she doesn’t agree to it. It’s only temporary fix with a lady touch to help her get to the bathroom and be able to help her wash and bath with help. But my question remains how do I bring up the subject of asking her to take a test for dementia she clearly thinks that she is ok or some moments she realizes she isn’t ok. It’s driving me crazy as a caregiver. Any tips or suggestions on how you folks brought up the subject. Also my dad is trying to see how to sign her up for Medicare and advise them of her short term memory problems so she can still get extra care. She is 66 and turned down the care last year as i stated in previous post! Money isn’t the problem I think she doesn’t think very rational she saids she wants to go to her next appointment but may blow it off! So any advice would be helpful and appreciated. The paramedic advised us to contact her health care provider to get further assistance and options for her since we can’t convince her to leave the house. She has a case manager with the health care provider but sadly she has to decide her fate somehow. I feel she is going in out of common sense and sometimes is up late nights and into the the morning which is burning me and dad out. One moment she is mad and upset with me cause I’m tired and cussed at me then she is nice again! So that’s my situation at the moment and thank you for all your advice!

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My situation may have been different, but I avoided using the word dementia or any thing like that. I simply informed my wife that our family doctor had made an appointment for us to see a gerontology group because of our advancing age. The doctors there took it from there.
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I skimmed your past posts. What has changed since Aug 2022 when you first started posting? Good suggestions were given in response to your past posts. Have you followed any of them?

You are 46 years old, unemployed, with back problems (and an ear problem was mentioned in one post). So you have no income coming in. Do you have health insurance?

You should be earning money and establishing your own financial future. It seems that you are sacrificing yourself now for your parents. What is the end game for you?
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Cutlass101 Aug 2023
Thank you for responding and yes the one thing I did do from suggestion in previous post was I contacted the department of aging in my area and was given advice to sign my mom up for Medicare and that my dad try to tell them that she has short term memory issues and some cognitive issues since she decided not to get the program. Also the person at the department advised that I try to get her tested for dementia which is gonna be hard as hell cause denial is real. But the Medicare department will ask to evaluate her first since she hasn’t been tested for dementia and such.Since the previous post I’ve been trying to do what can given the circumstances i”am dealt with.Since the previous post her condition is getting worse and I also contacted her doctor for medication refills and advised her of the situation in which she has referred us to home and healthcare company who can hopefully assist her properly in the meantime with personal hygiene and such.I do have health insurance with Medicaid in which I gotta take care of somethings like my tinnitus and back problem if given the chance and I’m just have to take it but it’s rather complicated sometimes when doing everything and some nights my mom doesn’t sleep like she should. Talking about hearing noises from bugs and such. So taking care of me gets put on the back burner but at some point I got to get things under control and back to my life for sure. I do have doctors appointments for my ear and general health hopefully I can make them once this situation is handled if I get help that is. My endgame plan is for to help my parents get some peace and move on with their lives hopefully and i myself get to go back to work and make a life for myself if possible but it’s been a hell of a road for me and family. And to give you a small background history right into the pandemic my mom had two strokes but she chose to skip the hospital rehab out of fear which in turn as I recovered from a back injury with some minor pain and needed rehab for myself still and was just about to look for work 4 years have passed and it’s been crazy. Home health has rehab programs to help her at home but as I seen it wasn’t enough for her and she admitted that she needs to be at a rehab center but first she gotta take care of the underlying health issues. Would I make the same choices she has hell no I would keep my mask on and spray with lysol and do what needs to be done taking care of one’s self! Because I know what it feels like to go through taking care of someone or someone’s and I don’t want burden my family this way! So wish me the best and if you got any advice and experiences feel free to share thanks!
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There are falls and episode where you can call EMS and have her transported to ER. If you have to LIE and say she is confused, combative, whatever, then DO SO.
Your mother needs both physical and mental diagnosis as to what is happening to her and so do you, and sadly she likely will require placement as she gets too difficult to deal with. Whether her strokes have caused her mental incapacity or whether she has dementia (or BOTH), SOMETHING is very wrong here both mentally and physically, and if this "new young doctor" is ignoring all of this with no diagnosis then you and Dad are going to have to go rouge to get one!

As soon as she is at hospital get social workers involved to tell them that you are getting no medical support, that your mother has no diagnosis of severe physical and mental changes and that must stop now. Tell them that they can either help you get the consults and diagnosis you need or they can deal with getting a state guardianship for a woman who has lost her mental capacity and is diagnosed with a probable and untreated "clot".

Sorry, but you are going to have to become the squeaky wheel from Hades to get this done.
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Bonanzatree Aug 2023
Lie? If she has those conditions, why would you have to lie? They would be apparent.
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We got mil to do dementia testing. She refused saying we wanted to put her in a nursing home. I said that we were wanting to see if there were drugs that could help her with memory. She saw the sense in that and agreed, as she knew there were issues with her memory. The medicine helped her memory for the last few months of her life.
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Contact a Medicare broker to get her signed up. This needs to happen.

You won't be able to force her to get any medical care if she doesn't have a legal representative like a PoA or guardian. This should also happen before she gets a cognitive exam.

If you are willing to be her PoA (it will be easier/cheaper to get this done online through Legalzoom.com or Rocketlawyer.com), then you will need to tell her a "therapeutic fib" to get her in to see a doctor: "Mom, you'll get free healthcare with Medicare and once you sign up you will need to have an intake physical to get your benefits activated." Whatever doctor she picks, whatever fib she'll believe -- whatever it takes to get her in to be assessed for her clotting problem, and discretely given a cognitive/memory test, and also checked for other common problems like a UTI, thyroid function, vitamin deficiency, etc.

If your Mom does indeed have dementia or cognitive impairment from the stroke, she can no longer use logic and reason to convinced to do anything in her best interests. She also is less and less able to have empathy for other people's burdens in providing her care. From now on therapeutic fibs is how you will get her to do anything. It is moral and ethical since you are trying to get her the help she needs.

If you can help get these things in place you will have a much better chance of helping her.
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It sounds like your mother does have a blood clot in her leg. A blood clot is a very, very serious condition and needs IMMEDIATE medical attention as the blood clot could travel to your mother’s lung and her heart. Call 911 immediately and get your mother to the ER as this is a life-threatening situation.
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Go see her Doctor with her - Before the Visit tell the doctor you need help and if a social worker can get Involved at the Visit . This Gives you an extra Person to help advise her . Have the Doctor send a VNA Nurse to your home so that person can witness what is Happening with the Clot and report back to the doctor . Ask the Doctor to give her a Pre cog test . At some Point get a Neurologist referral But the clot is More important .
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Hire a elder attorney and get their advice. Is your father willing to sign so you can become POA, Healthcare and Financial POA to make decisions on their behalf? You are in a situation if it's been over a year to get her to an ER and let them know all that is taking place and ask for a social worker. I know when my MIL went to the doctor they had an ambulance come and admit her to the hospital. A blood clot can turn deadly for your mom. Does your father have any say? Is he doing what your mom wants? Id throw up my hands and say, I can't do it anymore and leave. They will have no choice to get help or go to hospital. Why hasn't she signed up for Medicare? She is going to have to pay penalties for anytime when she turned 65 until when she signs up. That's crazy! Unless she is wealthy! You do not have to feel guilty as your parents are being unreasonable. Its due to the disease. You have to realize you're the parent now and their health and safety is the most important thing right now. You can't continue to do this alone. Tough Love is needed. You need expert advice and professional care regarding their health and care. Get a different doctor or clinic. A geriatric doctor is the Best for them now. Good Luck! Remember you are not any good to them if your health is suffering. You may be the one ending up in a hospital.
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It sounds like you are dealing with three or four separate issues, and each has a reasonably simple answer if you look at each separately. I own a boutique home healthcare agency in Boca Raton, FL, and I deal with issues like these!

Let's tackle the young doctor first. Would you make your mom go to a restaurant she didn't like? Of course not! So why are you forcing her to go to a doctor she doesn't like? Find a new doctor! Hopefully, that will be a big step forward toward resolving her health issues.

Getting mom to accept Home Healthcare is a bit trickier, but if you stand shoulder-to-shoulder with her, looking at the world from her perspective, you may see the answer unfold on its own.

The thing about home healthcare is nobody wants it. Nobody wants to feel like they are dependent on someone else, are losing their freedom, and can't take care of themselves anymore. Mom has to decide she needs someone on her own. There are many types of conversations you could have with her, but this one works very well most of the time:

Sit mom down and tell her "X" wants her to have a helper, and the helper will start in two weeks. "X" can be the insurance company, her doctor, the church, or whatever will give the conversation credibility. (If you feel you would be lying to your mom, ask "X" first, they will say yes.) Now, it's not you or Dad who is forcing her to get home healthcare; it's "X" giving her a helper. (See the difference?)

She's still going to be resistant, so don't worry about that. The next question is, "What kind of help would you like the helper to help with?" Whatever she says is PERFECT! Write it down exactly, don't be judgemental, don't argue, and don't say that's not the helper's job! Just listen! If she says things like take care of Dad, clean the garage, or re-roof the house, it's not a problem. If she says things like emptying the dishwasher, cleaning the kitchen, or helping in the shower, you are off to a fast start. Going back to cleaning the garage.... we will need to narrow that down a bit, so the next question is, "Mom, what could the helper do to make your life a little bit easier?"

Notice, we are having a slow and easy CON-VER-SATION! You may be leading the conversation, but Mom is in charge. On your part, all there is to do is to listen and ask the next question. If she's not in the mood to have the conversation today, no worries; you can come back to it tomorrow. NEVER ARGUE!

At some point, she may get worried, upset, or even curious about who the helper will be. Calmly reassure her that it's just a few hours and a few days as a trial (then we will report back to "X" and reevaluate).

Pro Tip: People our parent's age (especially if they come from affluence) are used to having "people" in the house. It's rarely an issue of having people; it's almost always an issue of trust or fear of losing their independence.

If you did a reasonably good job of having your Mom see the benefit of having a helper, now you have two weeks to find that "mythical" person. I know the naysayers will say it's impossible, but I promise there are good agencies out there and great caregivers! You need to know how to screen them.

You know all the questions to ask. Assuming you will private pay, the first question to ask is if the agency takes Medicare or Medicaid. If they say yes, hang up! Next, read them the list you made with Mom (including cleaning the garage) and ask them if they have caregivers who will be okay with that work. Finally, you want to find out if they will send the same caregiver or a different one every shift. If mom only wants an "X," and they say they might send an "X, Y, or Z" they are not the right agency for you. (In my company, our view is the client is inviting a guest into their home. They get "X") Ask if you can interview the candidate and find out what happens if Mom isn't happy.

Pro Tip: Never hire private aides. They don't come with a guarantee.

I am out of space... I hope that helps. ~BRAD
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anonymous1732518 Sep 2023
Keep her out of AL and/or NH
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Mom has signs of Dementia before her fall with her head being involved and stitches. After her Dementia accelerated. I did not ask her if she wanted to go to a Neurologist, I just took her. TG she loved him and he was so kind. He gave her a short test, which she did well on. I sat behind her and when he asked her a question and she answered, he would look at me for confirmation. I took along a list of what had observed. I made it 1, 2, 3 and one line, double spaced, 14 easy to read font and one side. He referred to those notes. I never told Mom we were seeing a doctor until she was dressed and ready to get into the car. If she asked before I told her.
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