My mom is at the stage where she is still mobile, still of sound mind, but very reliant on me for driving her to appointments, store, etc (she no
longer drives) and performing physical tasks she can no longer do. For several years we have lived in a basically good and harmonious arrangement where we contribute equally to household finances and tasks.
Lately, though, I noticed we are often engaged in ridiculous dominance battles that center on her insistence on overfeeding wildlife in our back yard and also our cat inside the house. She orders pounds of birdseed a week and lavishly leaves it out in the yard for birds, squirrels, chipmunks, and any other vermin that wants to stop by. Red squirrels (highly territorial) have been attracted by all the food and have systematically chewed their way through our porch screens looking for more. I’m scared that mice will show up next. No amount of reasoning, haranguing, yelling etc will make a dent in her insistence on the lavish spreads each day. I realize old people don’t have much to enjoy, but it’s starting to cause property damage as well as the animals constantly fighting one another which is unpleasant. Also the neighborhood cats have started to see our yard as a prey source.
Second, our cat has diabetes and it’s important she eats well before having her twice daily medication. My mom has been taking this as a cue to get the cat to eat by leaving open bowls full of canned food in every room
of the house. Not just on doors but on sinks, on couch, in windows, in bathrooms. It is disgusting and a massive waste of food, and I am constantly having to clean it up when she forgets. She puts out way more than this cat would ever eat in one meal. Again, I feel this is more tied to a psychological need to overfeed animals than any real practical purpose.
Blew up at her at 3:30 am this morning when I was going to shut a window before a storm and put my hand right in a big bowl of uneaten cat food. A classic “Yes you are going to stop this - no I’m not” argument ensued.
This is more a question for me but how do you cope with these situations where the elderly person is just doing very stupid and possibly damaging (in case of birdseed) thing and they just will not stop? I mean ways to unilaterally defuse the dominance arguments. I would move out but she has no friends and no one near by to look after her. (Did I mention that she has ample funds to buy this food and through the magic of mail order, does not need someone to drive her to the store to get it)
How do I cope with this? Would appreciate pointers to articles about this type of elderly behavior
The way it would be structured is your Mom would choose the three flavors of the week, and each would be put in a different color bowl, labelled with the flavor it would contain. For "the experiment", the portions should be small, in order to determine how much has been eaten.
Once one of the bowls has been the one clearly preferred, it could be removed in order to determine the second runner-up. after that, more of the preferred food can be put in the respective bowl(s).
By "prescribing the symptom" or to say it another way, "taking over the symptom" by you joining her in it, rather than opposing her on it , it loses its element of control.
Same "experiment" with bird seed. Which is the favorite? Let's put out a couple of choices and see which they flock to.
Hope this helps.
Acacia
(she ordering it , certainly not buying it herself?)
Yes maybe the cat needs to go unfortunately, it is literally either the cat or you I bet at this point.
This is sadly dementia and she fixated on the animals and food. If you can eliminate those, her topic will switch but hopefully less expensive/messy..
Perhaps an adult day care, sounds like boredom and the animals are her outlet to "mother", so some other hobbies perhaps for her?
same with cat food? Does she have any physical limitation like difficulty going up stairs that you can capitalize on?
You are correct in that this wildlife overfeeding will create serous problems. I can tell you from first hand experience it is playing with fire.
However, one thing you CAN do that is very helpful, is provide water for wildlife. Bird baths, small ponds, even containers of water are often what the critters need more than food, which is usually abundant. Instead of saying No, join her but try to transition to water instead of food.
As for kitty, what about little treats? Purina makes a thing they call Party Mix which is little nibbles for kitty. She can give, say, one third cup a day? She can have something to give kitty that is a bit more reasonable?
it all comes down to Control. Like a naughty 2 year old, this is war and you have to outflank em.
There are SO many cats in shelters (and on the streets), especially older ones (aka not a kitten), that this really shouldn't be an option. Add in the fact that the poor cat has diabetes, that cat will likely NEVER find a new home and may end up euthanized.
Presumably OP cares about the cat, so this option is NOT an option. I would move my mother first, if she'd been living with me and push came to shove! Not only do WE care about our cats (and clearly OP does, since she provides the needed medication AND has concerns about the food being left out, beyond the annoyance, more for the safety of kitty!), but they bond with us as well.
CrazyCatLady here =^..^=
I think you could use some intervention to help you: 1) come to this realization, 2) get the medical assistance you need to ensure your mom is otherwise healthy, and 3) help you learn the tricks and tools you will need going forward as her mental state will continue to decline.
Ideally, she is going to a geriatric care specialist. If this behavior has begun suddenly, get an appointment soon - sometimes physical illness can cause cognitive decline - most famously urinary tract infections Also, have a cognitive assessment done, and schedule an annual Medicare Wellness Check to address her overall wellbeing.
My heart goes out to you. Sometimes we don't realize how much our loved one is struggling until we are able to open our eyes and see.