Yesterday a family friend called very excitedly about a new apt he bought in NYC and wanted to show off the views. I refused to watch because what's the point? I can't leave my mom and go off to NYC.
As friends & neighbors make vacation plans now that everyone's vaccinated, I'm getting upset. Even if we take mom on vacation, she'd want to sit in the hotel room or I'd have to just shadow her while my husband & kids stride ahead. They will slow down and watch her if I want a break but you know what I mean.
Mom's only 85 and mostly ok physically - she could live another 10 years. I will be 65 then and who knows how my energy levels then will be....
We cannot put mom in MC since she just came to America and will not get any govt benefits and we cannot afford the payments. She has very little money of her own if we convert it to dollars. We cannot leave her in India with her moderate dementia - there' s no one there to check in on her.
Anyway, how do you all cope mentally when you see other people enjoying life and you can't do the same things as they do? I guess I will hire sitters if I want to do a day trip. I cannot even imagine a week-long vacation now. I get so angry when I see mom sitting passively in the living room and just staring out and reading the same newspaper over & over again. I've to do things for her to have some quality of life.
All your replies are much appreciated.
I have a 90 year old mother who is immobile in a Nursing Home. She keeps talking about walking again. She lived past years in a manner that contributed to this situation. It frustrates me while breaking my heart. She has had periods in her life where she chose to pray avoiding necessary medical treatment. I tried fruitlessly to help her. It is sad for me to say but I always wished for a different mother.
There is no easy solution. I have finally decided to get into therapy to help with the emotional roller coaster I have been on - resentment, anger, self-pity, loneliness - you name it I've felt it.
We are called to serve others. I try to focus on that when I'm having a difficult
day. I also know this will end and I don't want any guilt or regrets.
We caregivers do the best we can with what we're given. Be kind to yourself and know you are doing what you have been called to do.
Try to find those activities you enjoy - reading, listening to music, walking, gardening, painting, crafts, sewing..whatever it is that brings you pleasure- find time to do it. I spend a lot of time in my yard.
This is a great place to come and vent, ask questions and get support. It helps to know there are others who know exactly what you're feeling and going through.
God Bless you. He sees you and knows.
I’m glad you wrote this. I sometimes feel like nobody cares. My younger son lives with me and my husband. My husband and I have been together 6 years however he has 3 sons and I have 3 sons. I have not seen my 2 oldest sons in over 2 years. I miss them. My husband has only seen his mainly when we went to visit. He’s in the severe stage of dementia so he no longer mentions going to see them.
Anyway to get back to what I was saying, my youngest son stays up at night and sleeps during the day. My husband sleeps more and more so that leaves me to try to take care of everything. I’m tired.
I have respite and my brother does what he can in the yard but he lives away.
So I truly feel alone when I know I’m not.
I think the first step is "acceptance".. Once a person accepts the disease they can let go of the anger. I know some people who are still in denial of their loved ones situation.
I remind myself that my Mom will not always be here so I try to make each day with her special (we play cards together, listen to music, etc.).
We all have different personalities, some people are cut out to be a caregiver, others are not.
Not everyone is having fun and enjoying life. It may appear that way to you but you really never know what another person is feeling unless you walked in their shoes.
That said, try to find happiness within yourself. Write a list of the things that make you happy. Most people have hobbies they do at home, I crochet, knit, cook, etc.
In your case hire a sitter and go on a day trip, you will feel better.
I wish I had better advice for you.
Jenna
I think you need to find a way to hire in-home help to relieve you so you have something to look forward to. Devise a plan whereby you can get away every day for X amount of time, even if it's only an hour, and take a bath or listen to music or go for a walk and regenerate YOURSELF during that respite period. Save up her funds and figure out how to convert them to USD in order to plan a real vacation for yourself and your family. A whole WEEK away from everything and all the caregiving duties! You'll come back revived and rejuvenated, at least for a while, until you can do it again.
You deserve a good quality of life as well as your mother. It's not all about her; it's about you and your family as well. Put your heads together to figure out how to make it work for all involved. Also look into daycare for your mom and see how much it would cost, even if you yourself have to pitch in some $$$ of your own to make it work. Not that I often recommend such a thing, but what is YOUR sanity worth, in dollars and cents? If it's at all affordable, consider it an option.
Best of luck to you.
I did so many things wrong in my caregiving days. I had no frame of reference. I wasn’t prepared for my caregiving years. I foolishly thought that I could grin and bear it, until I realized that I seriously needed help. I was in over my head! I finally made an appointment with a therapist. I reached out to a social worker who recommended this forum to me.
I learned that I wasn’t alone as a caregiver. I had many responses from the posters on this forum which helped me gain a healthier perspective on my situation.
Reach out to others. Look into respite care at a facility. Go on a vacation. You not only deserve a vacation but I feel it is truly needed for a caregiver’s mental health. Otherwise, caregivers burn out.
Don’t make my mistake of plowing through and sinking deeper and deeper into misery. Take action now.
It is hard to be happy for others if we want happiness for ourselves too. Try to be happy for them though and be glad that they wish to share their joy with you. It isn’t their fault that you are in this situation and I doubt that they are doing anything intentionally to hurt you.
Wishing you peace during this challenging time in your life. I hope you find joy again soon. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Take care.
Vvacations may be out of the question unless you can get her onto respite care for a week. I tried a couple of years ago, but couldn't find a facility that would take clients for a week.
I am so sorry that you are having a hard time. It's difficult to surrender yourself to caregiving, but sometimes you have to adjust your self to accepting that you are in a phase of life in which you are playing by new rules. As time goes on you will learn a bit more how to grasp some bits of happiness here and there--even if it's living vicariously through a friend's window in NYC. Go easy on yourself everything you are feeling is normal. Hugs and good luck.
It is very difficult to listen to others chat about travel and other outings while you are in the caregiving role. It's even worse when it is other siblings do it. They either justify it as 1) it's a decision you made and they have no remorse watching you drown or 2) they never bother to listen to what they are saying to you. Would like to tell you it gets better, but it doesn't. Reach out to ANYONE you know that might offer you a little reprieve every now and then.
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