Yesterday a family friend called very excitedly about a new apt he bought in NYC and wanted to show off the views. I refused to watch because what's the point? I can't leave my mom and go off to NYC.
As friends & neighbors make vacation plans now that everyone's vaccinated, I'm getting upset. Even if we take mom on vacation, she'd want to sit in the hotel room or I'd have to just shadow her while my husband & kids stride ahead. They will slow down and watch her if I want a break but you know what I mean.
Mom's only 85 and mostly ok physically - she could live another 10 years. I will be 65 then and who knows how my energy levels then will be....
We cannot put mom in MC since she just came to America and will not get any govt benefits and we cannot afford the payments. She has very little money of her own if we convert it to dollars. We cannot leave her in India with her moderate dementia - there' s no one there to check in on her.
Anyway, how do you all cope mentally when you see other people enjoying life and you can't do the same things as they do? I guess I will hire sitters if I want to do a day trip. I cannot even imagine a week-long vacation now. I get so angry when I see mom sitting passively in the living room and just staring out and reading the same newspaper over & over again. I've to do things for her to have some quality of life.
1. Yes, you do need to take care of yourself, and people have given you a lot of good ideas below. Some you may be able to do, some not. But create some mental and physical time for you every day.
2. Although it may not seem like it now, this situation will not last forever. I know. I looked after my mother and father for 20 years with fortunately the help of some wonder sitters. I was either taking care of their financial matters, their physical well-being, or both. I maintained their .77 acre yard with little to no help. All my sweet, precious daddy wanted was to live out his last days in the family home surrounded by his memories and I wanted to do that for him. All my family is gone now. My mother, my father and my brother. I’m so glad to know that I did for them what I did. Was it hard? Absolutely! Did I feel loneliness and frustration sometimes? Of course! But now as I look back, it seems like it all went by so quickly. One day you’ll likely be looking at that same chair when your mother goes wondering where the time went and wishing you could ask a question or see her smile.
3. See if you can find a help group in your area of people going through the same situation and learn and share with them. Google groups in your area and check with your local aging commission. They may have some resources for you as well.
I wish you all the best.
One of the things that helped me was to realize that my feelings of sadness were feelings of grief. Dementia is often referred to as the long good-bye because the person we love is slowly disappearing, in ways unpredictable - and difficult to tolerate at times.
Lots of good suggestions here; I hope you can find something that helps. Yours is not an easy journey, so please remember to be gentle with yourself.
There is no easy solution. I have finally decided to get into therapy to help with the emotional roller coaster I have been on - resentment, anger, self-pity, loneliness - you name it I've felt it.
We are called to serve others. I try to focus on that when I'm having a difficult
day. I also know this will end and I don't want any guilt or regrets.
We caregivers do the best we can with what we're given. Be kind to yourself and know you are doing what you have been called to do.
Try to find those activities you enjoy - reading, listening to music, walking, gardening, painting, crafts, sewing..whatever it is that brings you pleasure- find time to do it. I spend a lot of time in my yard.
This is a great place to come and vent, ask questions and get support. It helps to know there are others who know exactly what you're feeling and going through.
God Bless you. He sees you and knows.
I’m glad you wrote this. I sometimes feel like nobody cares. My younger son lives with me and my husband. My husband and I have been together 6 years however he has 3 sons and I have 3 sons. I have not seen my 2 oldest sons in over 2 years. I miss them. My husband has only seen his mainly when we went to visit. He’s in the severe stage of dementia so he no longer mentions going to see them.
Anyway to get back to what I was saying, my youngest son stays up at night and sleeps during the day. My husband sleeps more and more so that leaves me to try to take care of everything. I’m tired.
I have respite and my brother does what he can in the yard but he lives away.
So I truly feel alone when I know I’m not.
May I kindly and emphatically suggest that you need to enlarge the group of people caring for your mom. Ask family, friends, members of your faith group, and even paid help to give you some more free time weekly, daily time off would be even better. You should have a few people who know your mom's routine well enough to care for her for an entire day and an entire weekend. It is not so you can just "go out and play" (which you really need) but also so others can care for her if you are sick or need to be in the hospital.
You can be our scout!
Hang in there we all understand what you are going through and it is not easy. Just know you are not alone.
Back in the days if she were in India, she might have other children, cousins, nieces and nephews to help care for her but this is not back in the day and it's not India. Having just come from India and being older she may be in a bit of cultural shock that is not helped by her dementia. In NJ we have several adult day care centers that promote Indian culture (observe Indian holidays, serve Indian food and speak several indian languages); we also have a number of LTC homes that cater to our diverse population. Yes, they have to paid for out of pocket but that might energize your Mom a bit and might give you a little time to yourself.
In terms of how you are feeling ... you just kind of have to bit the bullet and go with it realizing that your children may be in the same position and feeling the same way in 30 - 40. You don't have a crystal ball to look and see when your neighbor's life may change for the worse but know that it might. Life is a tunnel that is not always fair but those who survive and come out the other end do so with determination and grace. It's alright to feel bitter and a little jealous occasionally but be careful those feelings don't consume you and change your personality for the worse. As we live longer, most people whose parents are deceased go through the long agonizing process of trying to care for them and even when the parents are placed in a facility you still have to monitor and "care" for them. We may not like it but it is part of life.
I wish you peace and tranquility in your journey wherever it takes you.
She is always on the phone to my sisters and her grandchildren but does not want them to visit her at home, and does not want to spend time with them unless I drive her to meet them. I cannot stand my sisters but I can't abandon my mother as the guilt would kill me. So I am hoping for a full reconciliation between them so I can reclaim my life.
My mother is 81, healthy and sociable, but she is very emotionally dependent and passive-aggressive. I can't hold down a job because she always has some crisis that demands my time. She is able to drive and has her own car but expects me to drive her to the doctor, the chiropodist, the dentist. The only time I get any respite is when she goes to the shops (she likes to browse without me) or the church (she goes every day and only insists I go with her on Sundays).
I am single and have no children so I think the other members of my family see me as the one with the obligation to sacrifice my life for my mother.
For one if you get disabled, like I am, you may not qualify for disability unless you have so many social security credits in the last 10 years before claiming disability.
As a single person,!your own social security payments will be negatively impacted. Your mother will be dead and gone, and there will be nobody to turn to for financial help unless your mother puts in writing and video that she is leaving you a large inheritance when she dies.
Your mother is able to drive and get around and can call Uber if needed. She is ambulatory on her own.
I cannot stress enough yo you that you must take care of yourself FIRST! If your mother was born and raised in the USA, trust me she already knows or has friends who are in assisted living, who plan to step down into the Nursing home when the time comes. She can also expect the same unless your siblings want to step in and take care of her.
My well to do siblings don’t care what happens to me. They did not want any part of helping my mother while she was alive and she was a fantastic mother to all her children and made great sacrifices for them all, even moreso than me.
Please heed my advice for your sake and become self sufficient and draw very distinct boundaries with your mother once you have a job and secured an apt or house of your own. She will be fine.
Do not let her or your siblings guilt trip you. Like you, I was the only single sibling and they used the same excuses to guilt me in taking care of my mother. You must get the mental strength to create your own life as soon as possible.
Perhaps your mother is bored and could use some friends of her own. Can you help her develop a social life? If she has dementia, there are daycare programs. Why can't your husband and children take care of her if you want to jet off to visit a friend in NYC?
Everybody isn't as carefree and happy as you think they are. And 65 isn't a bad place to be if you have taken care of your health. At least you are not alone.
You’ve read all the other replies and some are much better than I can comment, but being on this site certainly does let you know you are not alone in the feeling. Even if it’s a temporary state of mind, it still probably runs across all of our thoughts once and awhile. We are human and humans have these great minds that process everything, “good” and “bad”. Being too positive can be just as harmful as being too negative and some days the balance isn’t possible. Finding the right place for your own mental peace is challenging even when you get all the “right” advice.
I know caring for my father was and is my choice and I try to remember that when I’m resentful towards my siblings and other family members that are “grateful” I’m caring for him but give little thought to how much it can hurt to see a loved one deteriorate a little every day. Or maybe they do think about it? I’ll never really know because they have difficulty expressing themselves. All I know is that some days I wonder when I’ll get my life back, and then I feel the punch in my stomach that reminds me it’ll be sooner than I think. I do still have that stab of resentment when a friend says they’re going camping or out of town for a long weekend or whatever, but I clean the wound with the reassurance that my conscience will be clear when my father is gone and at peace, knowing that I did everything I could to help with that. And yes, I remind myself that my unhappiness in the moment shouldn’t block the happiness of others who need their joy as much as I need mine. I try to not steal anyone else’s sunshine; I just have difficulty making my own some days. FYI I recently heard there are 42 million of us caregivers just in the USA.