My mother makes choices in her daily life that could affect me. Some now and some in the future after she dies. She is in her right mind so she can make her own decisions. But they are bad decisions a lot of the time. And I have to get involved because of her decisions sometimes. And dealing with her is very difficult. Or she might end up in the hospital because of a decision. That hasn't happened yet. But it could have. It's very stressful dealing with her. Even though I try to keep my distance emotionally. She is co-dependent with my brother that has a personality disorder that complicates things even more. My father died six years ago. There is no one else. She would not listen to anyone anyway. She is rigid. I just wish she would die or just go away so I wouldn't have to deal with her anymore. She is 88 years old and can't walk without a walker. But lives in her house alone. Brother stays over three or four days a week. But won't help her much. So I can't just go no contact. Actually I hardly visit and mostly use the phone to communicate with her. Still wish she would just go away. My life would be much less stressful.
It's really not about your mother dying but about the fact that you want the situation gone. It's the situation that you can't deal with. Please don't let guilt overwhelm you.
Trying to keep the rest of your life orderly will help. Maybe asking your mother questions about what she wants will help. However, if she has dementia, which is possible, she won't be able to be rational.
As you say, the situation with your brother having a personality disorder complicates this issue. Is there a physician with whom you could discuss both issues? Could you see a professional counselor who not only could help you decide what your role in this family drama is but could help you find local resources for your mother and your brother?
I think that you need to take care of yourself first, here. Then you may be able to help with the situation between your mother and your brother.
Please keep us posted with more detail so that we can answer more specifically.
Take care,
Carol
So for example sit down with your mom and just ask her what she wants to see happen. If she struggles with that you can make some suggestions. For example you can say that you hope that the family grows closer through these challenging times, rather than farther apart. You hope that you and others can learn from your mom how to live life well. You hope that you can learn to show each other love and respect. You will find things that work for your family.
Then see what she has to say. Be silent and let her think and talk.
I did this with my sister and once we agreed about our shared expectations, and I was quiet for a moment, my sister apologized to me for not being the way she wanted to be. She said she would try harder and we always referred back to the conversation we had. I also did this with my mom and it helped us tremendously although I probably did it a little too late.
I hope this tip helps you. The two most important parts of this is to have and talk about 'shared expectations' and for you to be silent so the other person can talk about what they are going to do to play a role in achieving those expectations. Then you can also say how you will try.
I hope that doesn't all sound too complicated. Just thinking back, on some super challenging times with my family and it worked!
Now that my mom has passed away at age 93, I learned that it is very, very final and very, very empty without her.
One of my biggest blessings is the good memories I will always have. So this is the time for you to create good memories that will stay with you for the rest of your life.
My hope for you is that all your memories are good ones and that you can work together with your family to create plenty of them starting now.
I don't think anyone is born knowing how to be a good family member. We have to spend our lives learning how to be better and working with each other to learn together. I believe we can learn new things at any age. :)
Put her in assisted living then. For God's sake, if you hate the woman that much, she must have been a real "Mommy Dearest" to you when you were a kid! She's an old woman. If neither of you two sons can handle her, put her in a place where people can take care of her and everyone is at peace.
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