How to deal with a LO that doesn't want to help themselves?

"She repeats herself a lot, gets overwhelmed with financial and other decisions..."

This statement brings concern, esp since you say she still drives. That's exactly what clued me in. Seems fine, can muster up for a bit in front of others, but the repetition and making mistakes with her finances, I started looking for answers and the answer was DEMENTIA. When we took the car and had to help with shopping, I discovered she also wasn't able to cook anymore.

We all get senior moments, a little more as we age, but this is different. Mistakes in finances is one thing, we all make mistakes, but when it's more than just little, worry. Repeating oneself happens too, but when the same thing is repeated or asked multiple times in a short time span, you should be considering dementia.

With dementia there are changes in perception. What some have called apathy may be perception related. They think they are fine. They think they have done this task. They think they are capable. My mother has declined more since the initial stages and when I showed her a picture of her, me and my daughter, she asked who 'those girls' are, meaning us and pointed at the pic of herself and asked if it was Nana (her mother!) She doesn't believe she is 96. She doesn't recognize herself in pictures. She repeats SO much more now! It is something you have to learn to live with (fortunately I never lived with her/her with me, it was only during visits/doc appts.) She also became self-isolated. More often she would find excuse not to join her friends at the Senior Center for activities and free food. She would try to cancel appts (would write it down but didn't follow through, thankfully, since I would drive 1.5 hrs to pick her up!)

Another common mistake we make is trying to convince them of something, or argue with them. If she has dementia, this is an exercise in futility! If she really wants to join you when visiting your daughter, she has to commit to working on strength. Statement of fact - either you work for it or you can't go. End of discussion, even if she tries to argue with you. Walk away. Tune her out. Leave if you have to.

"I saw that I have done way too much for her for way too long. And I have stopped."
It's the best thing you could do. Although it may be too late to get her 'going', it's better not to do things for her in order to keep her active and mobile. Sometimes rather than asking if she wants to do X or go to Y, just make it a statement - Com'on we're going {here} or to do {this}.

"I just see the future and I HATE what I see. "
Well, unless something changes in her, it is what it is. There's no point to hating it or feeling guilty, as that won't change anything. You have to make the decision as to what is best for you and her. If it means going to a facility, so be it. You could present this to her saying that physically you can't help her anymore, so it is her choice to either work on getting stronger or understand that she will have to move. Again, no discussion. Statement of facts, these are your choices.

"Do I have to be OK with her lack of activity which will lead her to continue to decline?
No, but it might be best to accept it. You can make a concerted effort to get her on board, giving her the choices to make, work for it or not. If not, then again, it is what it is. They ordered PT for mom after some simple falls and refusal to stand/walk (partly fear of falling), but she refused to work with them. Nothing. At my last visit, the nurse told me that when they were helping her up, she had one of those rare glimmers of thought when she said she needed to walk or would lose the ability! Unfortunately, with dementia those thoughts are usually fleeting and nothing will come of it.

"How can I not be disgusted with her lousy attitude?"
By just letting it go. We can't change others, only our reactions to what they do/don't do.

No guilt. No remorse. No arguing. Give her choices and see how it goes.

I have learned the hard way through many tough, hard experiences in life but I finally got wise. You have heard you can lead a horse to water but you can't force them to drink (which would keep them alive). These people live under that scenario. You and others know they must do certain things for their own safety and benefit but no matter what anyone does, it just is not going to happen - ever. If you try to make them, YOU will be made to suffer by their reactive behavior. When people don't do what they must do to make things better, then let them lie in the bed they made and if they fail or are miserable or something happens to them, well, so be it. They brought it on themselves and now they must pay the price. Don't fret, don't feel guilty - get tough and walk away knowing you tried to help them. Get them out of your home and put them somewhere that they are cared from and where they can't ruin YOUR life.

I have this problem and what is helping a bit is requiring her to come downstairs for most meals. This seems to have awoken something in her that got her moving a bit more. I got the ok from PT to have her do this (we have a stair lift too) and now I ask her to come down. I also asked her to get her cereal in the am and I think the more she does, the more confidence she will gain. It took a lot of arguing to get to this point, and I set a goal for her to get back to her own home which she is aware of and therapists think is reasonable, so she is starting to make some effort. If you can take her out of the house, that is recommended too by our therapists.
If you can get therapy (PT) to come to the home, it might help a lot. They have a lot of experience with seniors who are reluctant to move forward with exercising and if you get a good one, they can motivate in ways we can't.
I know what you are feeling and it is valid. I know she thinks I am selfish but I can't enable this behavior and I think I was doing too much for her at first.

Oh boy.....I can relate. Mom fell and broke her hip.....and recovered remarkably well for her age (89). She has severe osteoporosis and gets Proloia injections every six months ...... but is also on a maintenance dose of Prednisone, which is kind of a wash, but at least the osteo is not getting worse. She had outpatient PT for six weeks after release from rehab and they explained time and time again (she has dementia) the necessity of doing the exercises on a daily basis. Fast forward 6 months she doesn't do them, uses her walker sporadicly and has fallen yet again (but didn't break anything....so she thinks her bones are strong). Now she is insisting she needs to go downstairs to the finished basement to get some "things" she has to have. Dad asked my sister and I to clear it out while she was in the hospital to at least get a start on decluttering her home.....so we can't even get the things she wants because they are no longer there. She had a long conversation with her rheumatologist insisting she was strong enough to do the stairs.....and her dr. telling her absolutely not. Due to her stubbornness and strong will to get her way, it didn't register. So every week when I go over we go at it. Again, again, and again. I couldn't believe how she behaved at the dr.'s office....like an insistent toddler ready to throw a tantrum. She has always been on her best behavior for all her visits...so this is new. It wouldn't surprise me to one day finding out she fell face down on the damn stairs. Dad is beside himself and it is clearly time to make "the move".....but her defiance and nasty attitude keeps them in place. I know what you"re going through.....and you live with it every single day. My sympathies...this is one rocky uphill journey. You have every right to be angry.

I completely get what you are dealing with. My dad has been making the same poor choices, completely disregarding what the doctors, physical therapists, and occupational therapists have told him. Now he is barely mobile. He is dropping weight to the point of bones showing because he won’t eat foods that are good for him and refuses to drink the 2-3 cans of Ensure Plus his doctors have told him that he needs to drink. He thinks he knows better than everyone else, doesn’t remember discussions with specialists, and changes his answers every other sentence. I think as they get older, their mind starts to go and they stop making rational decisions. Unfortunately, being adults, they can’t be forced to “behave” like a parent does a child. I don’t know what else to do except accept he is declining, that I’ve done all I can, and that he won’t be around much longer.

Let her, as they say, sleep in the bed which she has made for herself and go on with your life. You didn't make her that way. You can't control her. You can't fix her. All you can do is put yourself on a healthier path and stay there.

Greetings loving caring daughter. I can hear your frustrations through your choice of words..have you and your family ever thought about a in home caregiver? There are many things that aging parents won't do with loved ones because of history, personal feelings, burnout etc, but with the correct aligned caregiver your problems can be solved. I would like to suggest you talk to a caregiver for a piece of advice on a peace of mind and allowing Mom to go through and know it's a BLESSING TO SEE that evolution of life is just that eveloution and she And You can still learn new Techniques to assure mom's days are mostly calming and your days are mostly worry free. When she doesn't go to Your daughter who watches her? How is their relationship? I want you to know as a Daughter, Mom, and Humanity care giver for the elderly with Dementia and Alzeimers...Everything will work out.
I wish you the best!

Suicide on the installment plan?

I have been dealing with this with my husband for a long time, and he's only getting worse. He is a type 2 diabetic and does nothing but sit in front of the TV and eat junk. If I don't have stuff he wants to eat at home, he wants to eat out all the time. We don't have the money for that. I feel guilty if I buy high-carb foods, but if I don't then he doesn't want to eat what is here. He is content to take expensive meds and do nothing to help himself. He almost never will go along if I take a walk, and he poops out after about 10 minutes if he does go. It is driving me nuts.

I am currently in that exact situation except my 89-yr-old mother has moderate dementia and aphasia. She has just about stopped talking because it is so frustrating to her not to be able to find her words or to call a familiar object by some jibberish name. Social situations are pretty much out of the question as she can not or will not respond or take part in conversations. Her failing hearing (corrected with hearing aids but not well) is another detriment that adds to her desire to be isolated.

After she broke her hip last year, she did great in inpatient PT and with home health and outpatient physical therapists. Then, when the experts stopped coming, she stopped, too. All she wants to do is sit in her recliner and watch old Westerns on TV. She walks with a walker, can shower (closely supervised by me), dress herself (although her choices of clothing recently have necessitated a change in attire before leaving the house!) and move around slowly with the walker.

I continually nag her to get up and walk around. I try to set up a bathroom visit every two hours so she will move around. She refuses to do any of her proscribed exercises and states that her inactivity bothers my brother and me a lot more than it bothers her. I see on a daily basis how increasingly difficult it is for her to get up from her recliner and how unsteady she seems when she starts to move around. Yesterday, she was stepping down from the house to the garage to get into the car and started to fall. Luckily, I was right there and was able to catch her and prevent her from falling, but it was not easy. I am feeling the results of my effort today! After I thought about it, I really think she passed out because I was bear-hugging her to prevent the fall and yelling "Mom!" "Mom!" with no reply from her.

I told Mom that if she does not keep moving to get stronger and build up her legs and stamina, I would not be able to care for her as I could not lift her or transfer her. I'm not sure she fully understood what I meant or even that not moving around is a bad thing. Lately, she has been making statements like, "Wouldn't it be so much easier if I just wasn't here?" or "Why don't you just cover me up and let me die?" She has just about stopped eating anything, so maybe she knows something I don't.

I do not think that I am enabling her because she really is NOT capable of doing most of the things I do for her like cooking, laundry, house cleaning, errands, doctor appointments, medications, etc.

My brother and I take turns caring for her. I spend two weeks at her house and then I take her to my brother's house for two weeks while I go home to my significant other. Neither my brother nor I want to think about what is going to happen when we can no longer care for her due to her immobility. I think, at this point in her dementia, a placement for her would be way too confusing.

Okay, time to go stick my head back in the sand.