Does anyone have any good methods of dealing with false memories? You know, when a loved one creates a story about a family member you know never happened, or says something totally not true?
99% of the time it's about harmless things and 99% of them I can let go with no problem, but occasionally it gets to me and an argument ensues. I know it's not important, but is anyone else dealing with this? Anyone have any good methods or ideas? Even an amusing story or two would be welcome.
Thanks everyone!
Here's my story (and I've shared it before here on the forum) --
My dad and mom were married for 66 years and apart only a handful of nights in that time. When my dad died in 2018 after a very short illness, my mother was already suffering from dementia, and I think it just broke her brain the rest of the way. After just a couple of months, it was as though my dad never existed.
We moved Mom to a nursing home right after Dad's death, and within those two months, Mom's high school boyfriend had come back into her life. He was visiting frequently, eventually proposed, and they got married on Valentine's Day. (Apparently I was the maid of honor!)
Mind you, this boyfriend moved away from their town in 1944, and my mother never saw him again, and he died in 2009, but according to Mom, he was her new husband, and there was no arguing about it.
She was so convincing with her story that she told a visitor (a man who knew my dad but didn't really know her) that she was now remarried, and he trotted back to the editor of the local Rotary Club newsletter to tell him the news of my mom's happy marriage a mere four months after the death of the love of her life.
Yep, it went into the monthly newsletter and word of Mom's "marriage" was all over town in hours. That was a fun fire I had to put out, and of course, there were plenty of Rotarians who already knew my mom's condition and were horrified, but they weren't able to quash the story before I found out about it.
No harm, no foul when it all came down to it. The editor was mortified that he didn't confirm the story, the club president was also horrified, but I just asked that they take it off their website and we'd call it good. They did, so we're good.
That was two years ago, and the Invisible Husband is still in the picture every day. Mom's caregivers at her nursing home even credited him with making the Covid lockdown easier for Mom than for many other residents, because he's never left her alone. We always ask after "Dan, Dan the Invisible Man" when we visit Mom, and oddly, he's never around when we come over. (Understandable, since among his other activities, he works for NASA -- at 93 years old.)
My brother even said once that maybe we should track down his kids someday and tell them what their dad did for our mom, but that's just too weird. :-)
They can't help having dementia and confabulation, and we get to decide how much of it we're willing to tolerate in a sitting before we leave the scene so we don't blow a fuse. #Honesty
Dementia is a very difficult thing to deal with, for everyone involved, so we all need to figure out our own ground rules for dealing with it the best we can.
Good luck!
Assuming Alzh/Dementia you're not going to convince them of anything.
If they claim to have seen a dinosaur walk by, just roll with it and ask what kind :)
Some people have ‘colorful’ personalities.
My uncle was the opposite of my dad. My dad was very straight laced and responsible. He had a good reputation.
My dad and his brother had very different personalities.
My uncle was a lifelong bachelor. He loved to joke around but some of his jokes were at the expense of others.
I have a sense of humor but my uncle was a bit of a character who really worked on my parent’s nerves.
My mom wanted to slap my uncle at times.
People in the community, such as the neighborhood grocery store clerk would ask him why didn’t he ever marry.
He would reply, “Why do I have to marry when I have a sweet little sister in law?”
My mom felt like his comment made her look like she was fooling around with him and told him to never say that again.
My uncle would embellish everything!
Remember, they came from an era without television.
They sat on the porch and told stories to entertain each other.
Some got carried away and perhaps told the story so often that they believe their own BS.
Storytelling became a habit for them.
Our family would always question what my uncle would say. The inside joke was, fact or fiction?
I think many stories are harmless and one could consider it free entertainment! Other stories are far more uncomfortable or even hurtful.
This isn't 'new' behavior. She has held herself up as a martyr for as long as my DH can remember. She doesn't listen to others, she just keeps the nasty narrative going and going and going.
I got kicked out of her house a year ago and it's been great. I haven't even SEEN her. About a month after I got the boot, DH didn't have a scapegoat to put in front of her and HE got the boot.
He lasted about 4 months before the guilt of leaving all the CG to his sweet sister...and he went back. MIL was as nasty as always--and he came home depressed and unhappy.
She has zero memories that are kind of him or his OB. All the memories are of them being just horrible and her 'frayed nerves'.
I printed out some articles for DH about narc moms and he read part of one and he said it was like a lightbulb going off in his head! 69 years old and he finally "gets" that his mom is toxic and awful---and unless you agree with her, you cannot be a part of her life.
Pretty much her basic paradigm is that she has suffered more than anyone else in the world. She truly believes this--how can you fight a 91 yo firmly held belief?
You don't. You visit if you want and when they get going, you say "I have to go" and leave. They'll probably never change, so don't even try.
Are you sure your MIL isn't my mother? You certainly describe her in perfect detail.
Anyone who can get away from such an awful and toxic person should get away from them and fast.
Good for you not having seen her in a year and good for your DH leaving too. God bless.
Leave the room.
Turn on the TV
Put in earbuds
Make a phone call.
You get the idea. You do anything to disengage from that conversation.
If you can't do that try laughing. I mean a real hearty belly laugh. Yeah it might be fake for a minute but it will stop the argument and probably get your loved one to stop what they are saying.
And you are right it is not important but "we" are so ingrained with "tell the truth" that even when we have to tell "therapeutic fibs" it is difficult to do so. So just try as best as you can to block out the stories.
Probably the Number 2 rule when caring for a loved one with dementia is...Never argue, you can never "win" an argument with a person that has dementia.
(number 1 rule for all caregivers is take care of yourself first)
You cannot reason or explain to anyone with dementia. You need to learn to let it go, go along with stories and redirect, change the subject. Get out a snack, always a great diversion.
Do not argue with her. She has lost the ability to reason. She has lost the ability to have empathy. They become like a toddler, self-centered.
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