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I have been a caregiver for 13 years now. I should be a pro by now but I am not as it gets harder year after year. I care for my 100 year old grandmother. I came to realize years ago that nobody seems to help her like I do because of how she treats people. She has treated me terribly over the years and I’m at my boiling point. When I put up a boundary she is determined to cross it. Today was overwhelming as I told her that we would have to start asking people for help as my plate is full and I don’t have to capacity to handle all the problems that seem to come our way. She proceeded to shame me for having that idea and relentlessly put me down for hours. Some days I wish I didn’t wake up and tomorrow will be one of those days. Does anyone else deal with this and how do you handle it? I’m at my wits end.



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I’m sorry for the treatment you’ve received and certainly hope you’ll gather the courage to change the situation. Others in the family have wisely chosen to not be involved and accept the bad treatment, it’s time you learn from their examples. No one can force you to be a caregiver, no one can shame you or put you down without you sticking around to hear it, no one can cross a boundary you enact without you allowing it. The power here is with you, you can decide not to accept this any longer, you can inform the family and your grandmother that you’re bowing out of caregiving, and do so without apology or justification. You can do what’s best for your health, finances, well being, and emotions. You’ve done your best, no one can ask for more. Listen to what your body and mind are telling you, back out. I wish you much healing, courage, and peace
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to Daughterof1930
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Thirteen years has been extremely generous! And yet your grandmother does not even appreciate it. So time to end this and get your own life, where you can rest, spend your time in ways that are appreciated, and enjoy the days instead of dreading them.

Does anyone have your grandmother's POA? Who handles her finances? If that person is not you, tell that person that you will no longer be taking care of your grandmother and they will need to hire someone to replace you, at your grandmother's expense.

If your grandmother lives in your house, she needs to be moved out, at her expense. If you live with her, leave. Find your own place to live (even an inexpensive airbnb room if necessary, or with a friend).

If no one has your grandmother's POA, tell Adult Protective Services that you can no longer care for your grandmother and they need to take over her care.

In the meantime, stop letting your grandmother abuse you. At the first negative word, leave the room, and don't come back until she apologizes. Repeat as necessary. Don't let her put you down for even a minute, let along hours. Any time she throws a tantrum, ignore her.

As for how other people deal with this, they do what your family does. They live their own lives where they are treated properly. Time for you to do the same. You deserve it. Let us know how things are going.
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Reply to MG8522
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Your profile says she has dementia. You can't reason with or please people who are cognitively impaired.

I agree with others that you should make plans to retire your caregiving and start the life you are meant to have. Other family members won't like this, but too bad -- then they can come and care for her.

You don't mention if you live in her house, so I will assume you do. Quietly make plans to move out. You do not need to tell your Grandmother or even other family members. Once you have a place to live secured, let other family know you are leaving, quitting permanently. Do not negotiate with them to stay under any circumstances -- you are done being the only solution to Granny's care.

If other family don't have a solution in place before you move out, this is *their* problem, not yours. They will scramble something together once you drive away.

"When I put up a boundary she is determined to cross it."

Your boundaries are for you to defend, not for Granny (or others) to respect -- because they won't. Your boundaries (and plans for a better life) will probably enrage them, but don't let this stop you. Show them you mean business. Maybe they'll even apologize and beg you to stay. Nope. Move onward and upward. There are many other solutions for Granny -- the county can provide help; she can be transitioned into a facility by a court-assigned guardian, etc.

Be strong for your own sake and have peace in your heart about having your own life.
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Reply to Geaton777
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When grandma starts in , do not sit there “ for hours”. You get up and LEAVE the room .

More information would be helpful in order for people here to help you with this situation . Do you live in your grandmother’s home ?
Does grandma live in your home ?
Does grandma live alone ?
Does she walk , does she have dementia ? What does she need help with ?
Do you work ?
Does grandma have money for assisted living or for hired help to come to the home ?

Tell grandma that she needs more help than you can provide .
Learn these phrases.
No (period). ( No is a complete sentence) .
No , I can not do that .
No , that will not be possible .
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Reply to waytomisery
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She has a lot of stamina for 100 years of age, doesn't she. You should perhaps leave the house when these tirades begin and return after a nice walk in the park or a movie (or two).
The good news here is that, though you have done this work for 13 years, the future time required of you is quite limited!
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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It might be time for placement in a care home. This is affecting your mental health and you don't deserve that. Get her placed and don't visit more than a few times a year. If she begins to insult you, get up and leave. Get some good counseling.
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Reply to JustAnon
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Some people have luck with the threat of a nursing home: "Well, if you don't like it, Granny, I'm sure you be happier in a nursing home." "If you keep complaining like this, we'll need to move you into a nursing home." Etc. If it doesn't work, then do move her into a nursing home. You need to save your sanity and your health for your future.
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Reply to ShirleyDot
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She won’t be around much longer: that’s the good news. Insist on getting the help. If she tries to shame you, say: ‘I hear you, but I’m not listening’. Then leave the room. It’s a non-negotiable point. 13 years is a marathon. Of course you’re tired. When it gets to the point where you can’t face your day in the morning, something has to change.
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Reply to Danielle123
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Beethoven13 Oct 20, 2025
Agree. Hire caregiver help with her money. Whatever is the most helpful to you. Someone 8a-5p two days a week to give you freedom during the day. If she doesn’t get up at night. Or two overnights per week where you are off. Someone else takes over, handles her and a load of her laundry and entertainment and makes sure she takes her medication from the pill pack. Or maybe two Friday to Sunday weekends per month, when you go away for a night or two. Whatever is most helpful to you. Try to hire one or two private people to fill this bill. They will know the routine and what needs done and understand your relative without constantly training someone. Caregiver not a sitter. You step out, they take over. Meds, meals, groceries, light housekeeping, laundry, entertainment, walks down the street, etc. Your relative must have lost capacity for empathy, if she ever had any. Don’t explain, don’t feel guilty, just do. What is best for you. This will be over soon, given her age.
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No one deserves to be dominated and pressured into caregiving. You're your own person that should be treated with respect. A little more information will be helpful. Are you living in her home so she feels leverage and can make demands? Are you employed and have your own income?
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Reply to JeanLouise
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It might help if you treat your question as coming from someone else. How would you answer it, if you didn’t know any of the people involved? What advice would you give? What would you say, after saying ‘stop’? Then remember that no-one is forcing any of this on you.
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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