I have been a caregiver for 13 years now. I should be a pro by now but I am not as it gets harder year after year. I care for my 100 year old grandmother. I came to realize years ago that nobody seems to help her like I do because of how she treats people. She has treated me terribly over the years and I’m at my boiling point. When I put up a boundary she is determined to cross it. Today was overwhelming as I told her that we would have to start asking people for help as my plate is full and I don’t have to capacity to handle all the problems that seem to come our way. She proceeded to shame me for having that idea and relentlessly put me down for hours. Some days I wish I didn’t wake up and tomorrow will be one of those days. Does anyone else deal with this and how do you handle it? I’m at my wits end.
Does anyone have your grandmother's POA? Who handles her finances? If that person is not you, tell that person that you will no longer be taking care of your grandmother and they will need to hire someone to replace you, at your grandmother's expense.
If your grandmother lives in your house, she needs to be moved out, at her expense. If you live with her, leave. Find your own place to live (even an inexpensive airbnb room if necessary, or with a friend).
If no one has your grandmother's POA, tell Adult Protective Services that you can no longer care for your grandmother and they need to take over her care.
In the meantime, stop letting your grandmother abuse you. At the first negative word, leave the room, and don't come back until she apologizes. Repeat as necessary. Don't let her put you down for even a minute, let along hours. Any time she throws a tantrum, ignore her.
As for how other people deal with this, they do what your family does. They live their own lives where they are treated properly. Time for you to do the same. You deserve it. Let us know how things are going.
I agree with others that you should make plans to retire your caregiving and start the life you are meant to have. Other family members won't like this, but too bad -- then they can come and care for her.
You don't mention if you live in her house, so I will assume you do. Quietly make plans to move out. You do not need to tell your Grandmother or even other family members. Once you have a place to live secured, let other family know you are leaving, quitting permanently. Do not negotiate with them to stay under any circumstances -- you are done being the only solution to Granny's care.
If other family don't have a solution in place before you move out, this is *their* problem, not yours. They will scramble something together once you drive away.
"When I put up a boundary she is determined to cross it."
Your boundaries are for you to defend, not for Granny (or others) to respect -- because they won't. Your boundaries (and plans for a better life) will probably enrage them, but don't let this stop you. Show them you mean business. Maybe they'll even apologize and beg you to stay. Nope. Move onward and upward. There are many other solutions for Granny -- the county can provide help; she can be transitioned into a facility by a court-assigned guardian, etc.
Be strong for your own sake and have peace in your heart about having your own life.
More information would be helpful in order for people here to help you with this situation . Do you live in your grandmother’s home ?
Does grandma live in your home ?
Does grandma live alone ?
Does she walk , does she have dementia ? What does she need help with ?
Do you work ?
Does grandma have money for assisted living or for hired help to come to the home ?
Tell grandma that she needs more help than you can provide .
Learn these phrases.
No (period). ( No is a complete sentence) .
No , I can not do that .
No , that will not be possible .
The good news here is that, though you have done this work for 13 years, the future time required of you is quite limited!
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