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You have to block the number he calls from. Block it at work and block it on your private phone too.

Do not take more than one call a day from him or one call every other day.
In fact, you should not take any of his calls for a while. You call him.
You're not alone with having a demented elder calling every five minutes with an "emeregency" or because it's "urgent". You have to ignore it. Don't answer and don't pay any attention to these calls. It's not doing him a favor if you answer all the time and play his games. He will never accept and acclimate to living in AL if he knows that you're on call for his every demand 24/7.

Call him once a day and then that's it. Don't guilt-trip yourself or beat yourself up about not taking his calls.
People have lives. They have families to support and bills to pay and jobs they have to be on.

No one can take a phone call every five minutes from a demented LO because they think every thought they have is "urgent". Or the smallest things like there's not chocolate ice cream and that's an "emergency".
Don't answer these calls from him. You call him once a day and that is enough.
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AngieGuido74 Dec 19, 2023
i'm sorry you are so burnt out but this kind of advice maybe worked for you. there are other ways to handle it. my brother is like your family member and yes it's really hard to handle, mentally and emotionally, but if the person had died how would you feel. others can intercede if the person is at a home. good luck
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it's not an easy situation - i am 77 and in decent shape but there have been times that i have been sick and feel alone and scared.y you want to act grown up and not bother family but it is hard. i have been in the position of caretaker and am now older and have to call my daughter from time to time. men are different creatures, they are use to the women bowing down to them thru out life and he would never admit he is scared! can you speak to someone who had dealth with an issue similar to yours. i wouldn't give the work phone but i'm sure there are ways to know if your dad has an urgent situation. (you can tell the place were he is the issue and see how it can be handled. God Bless you
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Well I told my mom that I could only talk to her once a week. She doesn't respect me or my wishes and will call up to 20 times a day. I just let it go to VM. Then when we do talk she says I never answer my phone. I reminded her that I am at work and will talk to her once a week. If it's an emergency the AL will call me then I know its an emergency.
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strugglinson: As your father suffers from dementia, he lacks the capacity for logical thought processes. Ergo, he cannot discern what is or isn't an emergency. The facility will contact you when an emergency arises. The word, "promise" does not exist in his vocabulary.
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Many people on AC forum know I was and still am a huge proponent of the RAZ memory phone. Maybe RAZ can be a help to you too Strugglin'. Just know it can be an expensive solution. However, we used it as an approved Medicaid spend down which was a plus.

RAZ allows the caregiver control of who can call and who can be called.
RAZ allows the caregiver hours that calls are active.
RAZ allows an additional expense service to redirect 911 calls to a third party for evaluation for "true" emergencies and notifies the caregiver of emergency calls.
RAZ has GPS in the event of true emergency

plus much more.

The only reason MIL was able to have and use a phone for the entirety of her dementia was having a RAZ phone. Check out https://www.razmobility.com/ to see if this could help meet your needs with your Dad.
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Rebeca1 Dec 20, 2023
That's nifty. Thanks for the recommendation.
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What is your father's cognitive status? Has he been assessed by his PCP for cognitive status and
" level of care needs"? I ask these questions as your father, may not remember the phone calls and hence keeps calling ( if he has some dementia or other cognitive decline happening). I would be sure to have this assessed first before doing anything else, including move into larger or different apt or even facility.
That all said, if he is deemed by PCP as cognitive appropriate, then you will need to probably consider a geriatric specialist working with him or other social services counseling to get to the bottom of his behaviors that you describe. Has he always been demanding or attention seeking? Is he grieving the move into AL and hence needs grief support to help adjust? Lots of considerations here; do not fold under his behaviors as the behaviors most likely are not going to change simply by giving him a bigger apt. Is he projecting guilt onto you and family to manipulate you? PCP , and possibly a Geriatric Specialist and or Social Services Counseling can all be helpful.
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strugglinson Dec 21, 2023
Most recent evaluation was in the rehab hospital this Sept. They assessed him as "moderate cognitive impairment" and he had a BIMS score of 8. When I look that up I see that fits in the range of moderate cognitive impairment, towards then more severe end of moderate....
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THanks for all of the good tips! I'm finding things are improving for me already in the past week, largely due to my changed attitude
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Llamalover47 Dec 21, 2023
strugglinson: You're welcome.
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I would get panic calls from Mom late at night so I made a point of calling her at bedtime to say goodnight and chat for a few minutes. That seemed to reassure her and stop most of the calls. Perhaps you set a time each day, say before mealtimes, to check in with your dad and say hi.
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Please do NOT give Dad your work number. Silence the ringer from him when you are working. Do not answer if he calls. Do not jeopardize your job.

He is in AL. He has access to emergency care on the premises. He needs to use that emergency system. If it isn't an emergency he doesn't need to call you until you are off from work.

Keep rules simple. Be consistent.
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CaringWifeAZ Dec 22, 2023
You said it all.
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