My grandma was diagnosed with cancer month ago. She needs hysterectomy. She is 81 and has dementia. She fights doctor at each visit and says no. She doesn't remember visits. They refuse to treat her. Grandpa wont get power of attorney over her. What can I do?
A few years ago I was with my mother (now 93) at a doctor visit. The geriatrician said, "I see that while you were in transitional care recovering from a broken arm you had various tests done. Something is showing up in your pelvic area and that doctor thinks you should follow up with further tests. Would you like for me to arrange that for you?"
My mother replied, "No. I don't want to know what it is. If it is cancer I will not have chemo or surgery, so what is the point of knowing?" The doctor agreed that many older people felt that way and that it was entirely my mother's decision. "I do need to point out to you, though, that if it is cancer, treatment may be able to prolong your life." My mother replied that she had had a good long life already, and if it was her time, so be it. The doctor replied, "I will respect your decision. If you change your mind at any time, just call the office and I will schedule tests for you."
My mother is not usually that assertive, especially with authority figures like doctors, so I knew she was firm in her beliefs.
Even if Grandpa had POA over your grandmother, he would not be able to force her to have surgery or to accept treatment. That is not a POA's role.
This is a heart-breaking situation for you. I am very sorry for your pain. I don't honestly know what you can do (let alone what you should do).
Now, though I wonder if the anesthesia from the surgery may have resulted in some of the memory loss. She lost all of her hair, it did grow back. It makes one wonder if it would have been better to let nature take its course. The early stages of memory loss were very hard on her emotionally. Google chemo brain for information on the effect of chemo on the brain.
Moms husband had a hip replacement at age 83, we also saw effects of anesthesia on his memory which cleared up after a month or so. Any sort of surgery and the effects of anesthesia on their older brains can be significant. There is a chance that the dementia will get worse with the surgery. Ask these questions of her doctor. All possible effects on her should be considered.