How to get Mom to wipe properly after a poo?

Question

How to get Mom to wipe properly after a poo?

Follow

Share

I don't want to take away any more independence or dignity than she's already lost. She lives with me, has aides, but can go to the bathroom, shower, dress, ambulate, etc. all on her own. Lately, though, I've been seeing evidence of poo and/or toilet paper remnants with poo on her shower chair. I've mentioned it once or twice, but she has such memory loss, it doesn't stick.

She flushes, twice, and washes her hands thoroughly, so she's aware, but how do I let her keep her dignity, and get her to keep butt clean? I'm more worried about spreading germs, her getting a UTI, etc. than anything else.

THE BIG QUESTION: how to talk to her about it without embarrassing her.

Activities of Daily Living Hygiene Toileting

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

35 Answers

Most
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First

1 2

There are adult wipes you can buy that are larger than the diaper wipes that might help. I wouldn't flush any wipe though. Sometimes folks get too fatigued to wipe properly as they age or they lose the mobility to reach the area to do the job.

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

wet wipes are the ticket. UTI issues or dignity issues? Tell ma you need to do a check, use a wipe and avoid the UTI issues. You wipe her just to make sure. UTI's are no fun

Helpful Answer (0)

Report

Since I am mostly in the bathroom with my 93 year old mother, if I think she hasn't completely cleaned herself I just say, " Mom, I think you need a wet wipe" and she allows me to do it for her. There are things to be done these days that I never would have imagined 5 years ago !

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

This is a terrible problem but it must be solved - no matter how tough it is to do that. I see only the following options. You must be extremely firm and tell her she cannot leave the toilet without wiping herself clean - it is unacceptable and cannot be allowed. That means YOU may have to be with her each time she uses the bathroom. I understand she is ashamed and embarrassed - I would be too but tell her she took care of you as her baby - now it is your turn to care for her. And buy those little "sheets" that are wet and which you can use to wipe yourself clean. If all fails (and I don't know about bidets and trash cans, etc.), you may have to place her somewhere out of your home.

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

It's tricky to handle, isn't it? Furthermore, given the memory loss it is going to get even more difficult to handle. You have some good suggestions here which might work or not work. You'll have to try them and see. My experience with my wife eight years into Alzheimer's and confined to bed is that she doesn't want to cause any trouble and doesn't like being "in a mess." I don't use the word "incontinence", but I try to reassure her that she is not doing anything wrong and I simply want her to be "clean and comfortable."

The calmer you are, the calmer the incontinent person will be. The more anxious you are, the more anxious they will be. Everyone is different, but my experience is that a check during the day every four hours or so works well (less time is usually a waste of your time, because nothing happens). However, check out what times work best. If you go to "Books" and "incontinence" on www.amazon.com you will find some books with advice there. They will certainly recommend that you keep a daily chart about what happens when, because then in about two weeks time you will have a pretty good picture of when to be proactive. I also find now, at this late stage, that waking her up in the middle of the night (after midnight, when I have woken up briefly already) works well, and means that in the morning things are much easier to sort out.

All the best and prayers.

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

I would also vote for the bidet. I had eight fingers amputated last year. I cannot do a proper job of cleaning myself sometimes, and was never 100 percent sure that I had done a complete job. We bought a bidet that sits on top of the existing toilet. It was not expensive. It has a warm seat, it heats the water, it blows warm air, it saves the need for toilet paper - good for the environment, does a better job than toilet paper, and the remote is easy to use. I recommend it to all, not just seniors or people with hand issues.

Helpful Answer (7)

Report

7again, Can you provide details of your bidet? It sounds like a fantastic option.

(0)

Report

See 1 more reply

This same thing happened to my mother, She totally used her shower seat as a toilet and didn't realize it at all until I told her. Oftentimes the elder is waiting to long to get to the toilet and accidents happen. I wiped up 1,001 "accidents" of poo.

Helpful Answer (0)

Report

Get a small bucket with lid to put by the toilet & go in with her to make sure they Do Not get flushed. They Do clog up municipal sewer systems even though the manufacturer states "flushable".

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

they clog up old plumbing too - even the ones that say flushable.

(1)

Report

See 1 more reply

Forget about trying this it won’t work, especially since you said she has memory loss. I’ve been in this boat and for 8 yrs been fighting my mother on this. They just can’t comprehend if they have cognitive impairment or memory loss. Just deal with it because you will never win. Trust me.

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

Get a bidet attachment to your toilet or replace current toilet with a bidet-toilet which are 'not inexpensive', but 'worth for the cleanliness factor'. Push-button for 'water spray'...different push-button for 'air-dry' is easy for anyone needing to 'assist' if she 'isn't able'. More 'appealing' than 'reaching under to do it for her'.

Doesn't take much 'acclimation' other than the 'expected shower underneath' which actually is 'refreshing' with 'reassurance of being clean'.

Helpful Answer (7)

Report

the OPs mother has dementia so a bidet will require acclimation as well as the ability to remember how to use it......

(1)

Report

You don’t. There’s no way to talk about such personal things without some embarrassment, BUT you can make it light hearted. You can say “Hey, I noticed when you took a shower that you got a little poop on the chair. I know it’s hard to reach sometimes. I got you some wet wipes to help a bit. If you have any trouble or do t think you got it all, let your aid know, because we don’t want to risk an infection.” You could also get a peribottle and encourage the aids to use it with her.

Helpful Answer (6)

Report

Great ideas
No way to avoid some embarrassment but to discuss in a light way... Not make Mom feel bad or being reprimanded for poo...

(1)

Report

Your profile says that you mother has dementia. Dementia really changes the equation, because, it's likely that this is not something that she will see the light and do it better.

If she has normally had good hygiene for her entire life and NOW she doesn't. I'd suspect that she just isn't capable. If she could do better, she would.

So, giving her new products or explaining how things should be given more attention, probably isn't going to stick in her mind. Also, it's not just the memory. With the brain not working properly, there can be a disconnect between the brain and the hands. So, coordination isn't quite right. (One of the first signs of cognitive decline with my LO was watching her try to make a sandwich. Her hands did not work right in placing the bread and food together.)

Focus is also affected. So, I'd take a deep breath and just handle it kindly, but, frankly. You might give the doctor heads up first. So, doctor can tell her that he wants daughter helping with her toileting hygiene for a little while. Just to ward off UTIs. That way, it's doctor's orders and then every time she goes to bathroom, you go too to supervise and assist. I don't know anyone with dementia who doesn't eventually need someone clearing them in toilet and later changing depends. It's so sad. I know.

Helpful Answer (4)

Report

What you posted, Sunnygirl1, is pretty much what my comment would have included - if mom has dementia, most everything you do try to say or point out, no matter how discreet or matter-of-fact, isn't going to sink in. Dignity or not.

There were even mentions of choosing not to use wipes or bidet because mom wouldn't be able to learn. Certainly you can try to have a gentle discussion about it, but in my experience, most of that is likely in one ear, out the other. My mother can't remember what she or you said 1-2 minutes ago! She is still "capable" of most ADLs as well, but needs some reminding for some tasks, such as brushing her teeth (she doesn't live with me, so that is up to the staff.)

I would imagine you are aware of when she heads to the bathroom. Monitor and if BM is involved, step in before she leaves the bathroom to ensure she is clean. This would work even better if she is "regular", going around the same time every day. If no BM, leave well enough alone.

(0)

Report

I think being direct is the best approach. I've had to have talks to my mom about smelling like pee. Not fun, but necessary. I said "Umm, mom, I don't want to embarrass you but I have to say that you are smelling like pee and I thought you would want to know". Not saying that my approach was perfect but being subtle often does not work.

Helpful Answer (5)

Report

If you aren't worried about her flushing disposable wipes, get those. Wet wipes clean much better than using a dry piece of paper to clean a bottom. Go to sams and get their store brand - large and cheaper than anything else you're going to find anywhere. 12 inch square and 5 packs in a box.
Showers aren't great for cleaning that area either, especially if she uses a bench to sit on. Can she still sit in the bathtub? If so, that is going to give better cleansing.

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

I use the words “freshen up” or quick wash up. “Time for a fresh change up”. I have told my mom that “everyone uses extra wipes after a BM”. The sitz bath I recommend as “refreshing” and I talk her trough it with “isn’t nice and warm? Doesn’t that feel good?” Reinforce the experience as being a luxurious way to get ready for the day or bedtime and the “best way to avoid UTI’s and their harmful antibiotic side effects. Put a spin on it and sell it like you believe it is a natural way to maintain good health.

Helpful Answer (4)

Report

Possibly do it yourself & let her see you getting it ready for yourself so it is now the new normal in the household - so it won't just be her but all as this is a practise that has been recommended - after it becomes habit you can quit [if you want to] - basically 'what is good for the goose is good for the gander'

(2)

Report

My mom has the same exact problem. If wet wipes are problematic, how about a perineal rinse in a spray bottle to apply to regular TP? A once a day, quick sitz bath either immediately after a BM or in the evening before bed is good. On the shower chair or on the closed toilet seat place a dry paper towel with a wet wipe on top of it. When she sits, both will stick to her bottom and you can peel them both off when she stands up. And you can tell if you got it all clean.

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

Why does there have to be such thing as poo? I often have the problem when I eat one of those Eskimo pie ice cream treats; I'm lactose intolerant. It makes me run to the bathroom constantly at times

(0)

Report

I found that if I don’t make a big deal about and just say. “Let me check to make sure you got it all” she just turns and lets Me. Mom is 86 with a touch of dementia.

Helpful Answer (6)

Report

Get her some of the wet wipes it helps a lot

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

You might try putting a box of baby wipes (Huggies Natural are very gentle) near the toilet. They do a much better job of cleaning than toilet paper. However, they are not flushable, so you will need a lined waste basket nearby that is emptied regularly. And, of course, you will need to train her on disposal of the wipes.

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

Be very careful of "wet wipes"
If you are on a septic field you should not use them and if you are on sewer even the "flush-able" ones can clog a toilet.
And if you leave Mom with wipes they will go into the toilet even if you tell her not to put them there. It is an automatic gesture to toss what we have used to wipe ourselves into the toilet and flush.
I am wondering why she "flushes twice" Is it that the stool is so large and heavy that it will not go down with one flush? If so it is possible that she is needing a stool softener.
Or it might be that she just needs a little more help and it is time that you step in. As she declines you will have to step in a bit more.
If you do this without making a comment about it and just start helping I think she would not have a problem. Is it possible that you would be feeling more embarrassed about this than she would?

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

I understand. Maybe you don’t have to say too much. Hide the toilet paper, say you ran out of it, and introduce the wipes as what YOU have been using and how great they are in getting things very clean and fresh. Good luck.

Helpful Answer (4)

Report

How is her diet? A healthier diet means less poop mess.

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

I think I ought to make some personal choices. I often have the poo problem when I eat one of those Eskimo pie treats or ice cream; I'm lactose intolerant

(0)

Report

read up on CDiff and tell her about it. Mom, just remember to clean up so you don’t get sick.

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

My 93 year old mum lives with me. I used to pussyfoot around things but now I just talk to her directly and tell her how it is. She wasn't changing her clothes enough so after hinting I just told her she needed to change more often and she now does. When she was a bit smelly I told her. She will deny it of course but she does take notice and I would rather tell her directly than it become a real problem. If I didn't have words with her now and then I couldn't live with her so I would rather do that than say to her she has to go because of the way she is. Sometimes just saying what is needed to be said is better for both of you. Good luck. X

Helpful Answer (8)

Report

We have a bidet that is plastic that attaches to your orginal toilet and we trained dad on it. You can buy them on Amazon. Com. We have one on every toilet in the house. Hope's this helps.

Helpful Answer (4)

Report

We had one put in way before things got bad with my LO and it is wonderful. He even has had really messy situations and the bidet took care of it! I also follow up with a wet one just to make sure nothing is left. We got our bidet at Lowe’s.

(3)

Report

I have had conversations like this before (designed not to embarrass or humiliate the target). Get another third person willing to help. Have the conversation with that third person, in the company of your Mom.

Have the other person say, “I saw this great new product that makes me feel fresh”
You, “What is it?”
Go on from there, as if it was a scripted commercial.

Helpful Answer (4)

Report

You said you mentioned it and it hasn't sunk in or stuck, offering wet wipes is how you deal with it or get in there and clean her.

Helpful Answer (5)

Report

I simply told Mom that I found these wonderful flushable wipes that are really nice to leave you feeling a lot cleaner. Kind of skirted the whole "you're not getting it all, Mom". She knew what I was talking about, and asked me to put them on her shopping list.

Next time I saw her, she had bought a pack and was obviously using them.

I made it more about ME having found these, and how glad I was, as I am on a medication that makes the urine quite foul. It put us on equal footing, so to speak.

A BIDET!! That's going in the new house. I forgot how great those are!! I wouldn't try one for mom,, she's doing ok with the wipes. Also takes a small portable container in her bag all the time.

Helpful Answer (4)

Report

Tell her what you said here "Mom I have noticed toilet paper on your shower chair. It may be time to use wipes to make sure your extra clean. Really don't need any UTIs"

My Mom always used wipes. So do I, so I had no problem with this. I suggest Huggies. They are big and thick. I fold them up when fished and put in a trashcan with a lid.

Helpful Answer (4)

Report

"Mom, I've noticed you aren't doing a good job keeping clean, I don't want you to end up sore or with a UTI. Here are some ideas that might help..."

Sorry, I guess I just didn't have that kind of relationship with my mom, for years she trusted me to be her eyes (she too had AMD) and to be straight with her. You mention your mother has memory loss, chances are this is a conversation you will have to repeat over and over, in my opinion it would be better to just be proactive and move on to solving the problem.

Helpful Answer (7)

Report

1 2

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

How to get Mom to wipe properly after a poo?

35 Answers

Recent Questions

Popular Questions

Related Questions