How can I handle my mother's constant nagging for my attention because she is 'lonely'? I myself am a mother, grandmother, work at home with medical transcription and volunteer at my grandson's school. My life is as I wish it. I had not planned on having to 'be there' for an emotionally needy elderly mother whose constant complaints of 'being lonely and depressed' are starting to make me depressed. My mother was not there for my siblings and myself growing up after I turned age 9, because she had a 'break' with sanity. She packed up the kids (five of us) and dropped us off at the juvenile shelter because she said "we were driving her crazy". This happened after she divorced our father. I and my siblings spent years in foster care and often, I felt we were scattered to the winds. My mother did not really come back into my life until I was married with a child. Then, I suppose, I would have no real need of her. Over the years, I lost three of my siblings to Huntington's Chorea and my surviving older sister, will have nothing to do with our mother for what she did to us as a family. I have tried to forgive and forget and have some sort of relationship with my mother, but it has always felt one-sided, on my part. My mother is a very cold, selfish person whose outlook on life seems to be, "what about me?". She has never tried to cultivate a relationship with my daughter, now grown, and my grandson. She seems oblivious to the fact that relationships take work. You have to earn someone's love and care. She seems to think because I am the surviving child who WILL talk to her, that I am her responsibility. She even moved closer to my home (less than one mile away) into a retirement apartment facility, in an effort to be close to me, and for, as she puts it, "in case she needs me". When I do set aside a day to spend with her, she sits there like a bump on a log and wants to be catered to, as if she is a desired guest. Her selfishness and cold nature have made all others in the family ignore her, and it has gotten worse over the years, where no one wants to be with her, as there are no redeeming qualities in her, as a human being. My sister and daughter are amazed that I would want anything to do with her. Sadly, I think I have tried to make this mother-daughter relationship work between my mother and my self, but again, it all feels so one-sided. I have begun to avoid her more and more in an attempt to keep my life as normal as it is. I am so tired of entreating HER to go out and make friends. One of our last conversations on the subject were my asking how it was going regarding attempting to make friends in her apartment complex. She snapped at me, and I mean snapped, when she said,...." I HAVE tried!!!!! I don't like any of them, and none of them like me!!!!!" This apartment complex has over 300 units. All the residents are in her age range. I.e., late 70s to early 90s. I am left with the feeling that she really doesn't want a friend, she wants me, and my time. My resentment over the past with what she did to our family, and the present, with how or why she feels I should be obligated to 'be there' for her, when she was not there for any of us, is getting worse. How can I keep my positive happy life from being destroyed by her constant nagging for my time and attention, when again, as I said, is not enriching at all, as she sits there like a bump on a log and barely ever says more than a paragraph worth of anything. Most of the words out of her mouth are in part, her mantra, which seems to be "I'm lonely, I'm depressed, DO for me!!!!!!"
Please help!
I am going through a similar situation -but the level of guilt is compounded by my mother's health issues (Osteoporosis, peripheral neuropathy, severe anxiety & depression). My Dad is having radiation therapy for cancer and she's been hospitalized twice for UTI's. They are both in their mid-80's. My sister and I are both back in therapy after 9 months of helping them navigate through lots of healthcare and paperwork. They are both in denial about the fact that they are "elderly" and need home health care (at the very least) or moving to assisted living. I am going to research the Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Meanwhile, I hope you can set up some healthy boundaries. There's a great book, "Boundaries" Henry M. Cloud. Hope it helps.
Take care,
Do not feel guilty as you are not responsible for your Grandmother's happiness, she is. When she goes on one of her tirades of "I'm lonely...I want to die", just say nothing or "it is too bad you feel that way". You cannot fix her life, nor are you responsible for what she has become. I suggest you research NPD - Narcissistic Personality Disorder. There are many books and website that cover this issue. An important thing is to preserve your life that that of your son by learning to set boundaries. Good luck and bless you.
I'm late but just found this site. Your mother sounds very similar to my grandmother, emotion wise anyway. I am her only grandchild, and I have a son of my own as well as a house, a dog, and a full time job. My grandmother lives alone but relies on me for emotional support on a daily basis. She is always lonely, depressed, nobody calls her, nobody goes to see her, she needs things done and no one does them for her, etc......it's all about her. Sometimes, actually most of the time, I just want a break from it because it wears me down (and makes me feel guilty), and I struggle with depression on my own a bit (not that she would care about that). Throughout my childhood, I unfortunately did not have much of a relationship with her, because of her nagging and always making me feel guilty. Plus she had very little to zero concern over my emotions or how I was feeling. All that mattered was that I did what she told me I should do. In fact, I got a new job recently (my last job almost gave me a nervous breakdown) and she had the hardest time with it because she can't call me at work now with every little thing. For months she kept asking if I would go back if they asked me. Never mind how miserable I was at the old job, as long as it works out for her needs. I feel for you because I know exactly what you are going through. I've tried to her her to go to the senior center but she doesn't like those people. Sigh.
I do feel a responsibility to her though because she did babysit my son when he was younger (he's a teenager now), so I feel I owe it to her to do what I can, but I want my life back and I want to stop being her emotional crutch. She tells me often enough she wants to die, she is lonely, miserable, etc...and it's so hard to provide emotional support on a continual basis when she gave me none growing up.
I commend you for having a relationship with her after she abandoned you and your siblings when you were children. It does sound like she has issues and possibly even a personality disorder. You may want to do some research about Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). Unfortunately, she will only get worse as she ages and you need to ask yourself if you are prepared to be her caregiver. Good luck.