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My dad is 80 and doing well for his age and his many health issues but I fear that one day he may need Hospice. He is in a care facility that has taken great care of him but I'm afraid if he needs Hospice care, he will want to come home. I know this may sound bad but I can not take care of him and I can not afford to quit my job or ask for extended time off. He is in the process of selling his house so if he were to leave the facility, he would want to come to my house. I have a small house with lots of repairs needed and it would be hard to take care of anyone in it. I'm not a horrible person, I'm just being real. From what I have heard, Hospice does not do hands on care, they are just there for pain management. This is what one of my best friends told me when her dad was on Hospice. My dad needs total care now. He can still feed himself but he can not bathe himself, dress himself or tend to bathroom needs. For those of you who have had a loved on Hospice, how did you handle it if you were unable to be the sole caregiver during that time?

Well, your house has not been upgraded for handicap so he cannot go there. It is unsafe. No, no, and no. Let anyone and everyone in charge of him at the nursing home know that he cannot go to your house. Let his friends know too if you can. He is to stay where he is and you will visit and they will take care of him. See if they can interest him in activities of anything he is still capable of doing to keep his mind too busy to think in terms of going to your home. Exhausting, I know, but more exhausting if he ends up in your house.
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Reply to ArtistDaughter
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I know what it's like to be on beck and call while trying to hold a job, I was lucky enough to have a company that understood. He's totally better off where he is now. He must understand that you can't make the sacrifice he wants, you know it,we know it. Sounds like he's pretty well bedridden, I don't think you have to worry about him fleeing the scene. My mother was in memory care and hospice made her comfortable with a lift bed and air mattress. They cut off most of her meds and gave her something for pain if needed. We had Dad at home with hospice and it was a terrible time. Somehow he got out of bed and we struggled, the two of us, to get him back in. I was on the bed grabbing him from under his arms and pulling and mom was trying to lift his legs. I don't know how we did it, maybe because we begged Dad to help us? He wasn't heavy at all, maybe 100 pounds, but stiff, dead weight and I was pretty strong at 55 years old. I just want you to know that it's impossible for one person to take care of someone at the end stages. He has many hands on where he is. Don't give it another thought,tell him you aren't strong enough, mentally and physically. Try to get the house sold quickly so he can't go there and let the facility know (just the director) that the house is on the market.
Are you checking in on the property or is the agent? Scary times these days as squatters find out and move in. Take care, admit that you can't do this and live your life.
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faithfulbeauty 10 hours ago
@ JuliaH,

I know what you mean by trying to lift someone. Before he went to a facility, he was falling a lot. I struggled to get him up and even hurt my back once. I'm hoping the house sells soon. I'm checking on it often because I have been cleaning it out and that is a huge task doing it alone. I do not have siblings and people charge alot of money to clean out a house. I did donate several things so that has helped. But you are right, I'm not physically or mentally able.
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"Demanding" to come live with you holds no water FB. Dad has no power except the power you GIVE him. He needs the help and services of the SNF and is in no position to get up and leave, transferring himself to your home with a locked door. He's no longer the scary father who you must obey, but a sickly old man with many health issues who's living in managed care until he passes away.

When the time comes for additional care with hospice, nothing changes. Hospice nurses, CNAs, chaplains and social workers come into the SNF to see dad and care for him there, just as the nurses and staff do now. Hospice is just more sets of eyes and hands to care for him.

If the "demand" arises to come to your home, the answer is still the same: No, that's not possible. It's doctors orders you live and be cared for in the SNF and this is where you'll stay, with me visiting of course.

Have a plan in place to deal with this so you won't have unnecessary anxiety about it beforehand. Hospice in managed care is where both of my parents passed and it was much smoother that way. I spent all day every day with each of them in the last week of their lives. I would do it again that way with no regrets, no guilt.

Best of luck to you.
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faithfulbeauty 9 hours ago
@lealonnie1
I'm definitely stronger than I use to be in regards to saying what I can and can not do. He can not leave on his own but he will enlist his friends to come and get him which is what happened before when he tried to leave. He is in the best place. He even suggested several months that I have my house upgraded to be handicap accessible.
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He does not even need to know Hospice is there. In a situation like this, he will continue to get care from the staff at the nursing home. A Hospice nurse, who is there maybe 1 day a week, works with Dads nurse. Because, Dads nurse is the one who will see he gets the meds he needs to be kept comfortable. I have no idea how the hospice aide works but he does not need to know the Nurse or Aide are from Hospice. They are just 2 new staff members. It also would not be a safe discharge.
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Faithful, regarding your response below -- "I know my dad and he would probably not ask to come, he would demand to come and more than likely plan to behind my back" -- you have endured a lot from your father and come a long way out of his awful guilt trips and demands. Keep saying no, and make sure the staff at the SNF know that you will not ever be able to take him in. They would have to make secure plans for him to move at that point; they wouldn't be able to just release him to take a taxi to your house or anything. Just don't ever give in, and cut off contact if he is too relentless or bullying.
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Reply to MG8522
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Hospice services are easily and commonly provided within a nursing home. There’d be no need for him to move anywhere. No worries on this
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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You have time to think of a "therapeutic fib" to tell him IF he ever requests to move in with you. "Dad, I need to keep my job and I can't do both things." Even if he offers to pay you, the answer is just "no". Don't be the one to bring it up first. Redirect the conversation to something unrelated. Please don't stress out over something that hasn't even happened yet.
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Reply to Geaton777
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If he is moving into skilled nursing they will continue to take care of him. Only his medical treatment will probably change. Some or all other meds will be dropped except comfort-related meds. IF he wanted to come home with you, you don’t have any obligation to take him home and why would you? But honestly by the time that time comes, he’ll be even worse off than he is now and may not ask at all.
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faithfulbeauty 23 hours ago
@ShirleyDot,
Thank you for your reply. He is already in a skilled nursing facility. If he ever needs Hospice, he would definitely receive better care where is now than he would at home. But, I know my dad and he would probably not ask to come, he would demand to come and more than likely plan to behind my back.
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There is no expectation of you to do this! Residents in facilities can receive hospice care there. Hospice staff go to assisted living and memory care and I assume to skilled nursing as well. Please don't stress yourself out worrying about this. It will not be necessary.
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Reply to MG8522
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Hothouseflower Mar 29, 2026
Yes hospice is in skilled nursing also. My father has it.
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