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Thank you for all the support the last month or so, helping me navigate the challenges of helping a loved one living under my roof, but not following house rules. My FIL passed yesterday after experiencing cardiac arrest while parked at a shopping center. Our kids (12, 10, 9) took the news hard, and I'm hoping that some of you have ideas on how to help navigate grief with our children while grieving ourselves. If anyone has experience helping their kids through the death of someone that lived with them, I'm all ears for suggestions on things that helped, and did not help.

I am so thankful that he wasn't driving! How good to go suddenly.

I would tell the kids, who are kind of inbetween very young and teens something to this effect:
"You know, granddad was older; he had a whole entire long long life, and he's so lucky in that. And at the end he didn't have much suffering. He was here and happy one moment and then gone. And while that's great for grand, it is pretty shocking for us, because we had no time to prepare ourselves.
Old age can be really tough. You lose a lot of abilities, and you grieve a lot of losses. And Granddad doesn't have to face that now. I am hoping you can be a little relieved for him even though you grieve for yourself that you will miss him, and that he won't be there to be so proud of you as you grow. I hope you remember he loved you, and you will try to make him proud. If you feel sad, let yourself feel sad. If you want to talk about him we can. If you don't want to don't. He would be happiest if you can just go on living your life; that would make him easy in his heart."

They say that kids when young mostly worry about this: "OK, granddad died. What if MOM and DAD does. WHAT ABOUT US". Children are dependent and by nature they worry about THEMSELVES." They need to be reassured that there will always be someone caring for THEM while they need it.

I am sorry for your loss. Do your best. You can do no more.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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mrsand4 Oct 14, 2024
That is such a nurturing response for children. Thank you for sharing that
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I think kids might be afraid that if they talk about grandpa they are going to "hurt" you, make you cry, make you sad. So they may say nothing.
Talk about grandpa.
Talk about the fun things they did, what he taught them, how he was as you knew him in his younger years.
Tell your kids that they can still talk to him, they just have to listen harder for him to answer.
there is a saying...A soldier dies twice, once on the battle field and again when his name is spoken for the last time. So keep grandpa alive by talking about him, making his favorite meal, getting his favorite ice cream.
There are plenty of books about dealing with grief, check your local library (remember that brick building with all the books?)
there are many more resources now than when I was a kid. (my Mom died when I was about 11 and we had no one to talk to about it, our Dad was as lost as we were. Another story for another day...)
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Reply to Grandma1954
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MiaMoor Oct 11, 2024
I'm so sorry, Grandma1954, childhood grief never goes away, especially one as profound as the loss of a mother.

I think that one good thing that adults can do is to let children know it's okay to feel sad and to cry. Because when you show how you feel, you aren't denying your love.
But it's also okay to be happy, that the person they have loved and lost wouldn't want them to be sad forever.

I love the ideas you have shared here. X
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I’m sorry for your loss. In my experience, it’s best to talk and talk more about the person lost, the happy memories, the fact they will be missed, and what will be missed about them. Don’t shelter them from anything about death as it is a part of life they will always deal with. My parents always took my siblings and me to funerals while we were growing up. I’m grateful for this as it was natural and not scary for me. As a teen, I learned friends had been kept away from death and funerals and were terrified of all of it. You can get good books on their grade level to read and use the guidance counselor at their school for help as well. My children were very close to my dad, their beloved grandfather. They still miss him greatly, but are glad to talk about him with smiles and laughter with the good memories. I wish you and yours healing and peace
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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MiaMoor Oct 11, 2024
I absolutely love your response. X
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My girls always took death well. Maybe because I grew up being taught it was part of life. I got talked out of allowing my 5 yr old to go to my SILs father's funeral. She and he had a special bond. She did make him a Heart with I love you on it and I thru it in the grave after he was lowered. I have lost my father and mother and my girls older, excepted their deaths. The youngest was 5 when a favorite Aunt passed. This time I took her to the funeral. My husband took her up to the coffin and picked her up to show her my Aunt. He then took her to the back of the Church where she sat quietly. If she had gotten upset, we would have taken her outside. She excepted because we did. Let them ask questions. Don't undermind how they feel. Talk about the good things. They live on in our hearts.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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TX, I am so sorry you are going through this.

My mil passed when my boys were about 12 , 10, 5 and 2 I don't believe I handle it well at all

My whole family was extremely close to her. She was my first experience with dieing and I was devastated. It was very quick. One day I'm begging her to the doctors, doctor put her in hospital, diagnosed her with cancer, went into a coma the next day.

I honestly can't tell you what to do.
But I can help with what not to do.

Don't , get so lost in your own pain, and don't think they are ok, no matter how much they are acting normal.

It sucks, but I should of exspecially put my oldest exspecially before my pain

He went down, deep into the teenage rebellion and drug rabbit hole.

I should of giving him much more support and got him counseling,

In the end, everything turned out amazing. He works for the state for mental health, wonderful family.

But it was rough.

Sorry about your loss. I commened you for thinking about this in your period of grief

I will suggest counseling for them, even talk to the school counselor. And maybe get yourself counseling so your stronger to help them.

Best of luck, my deepest condolences. 🙏😔
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Reply to Anxietynacy
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The following is a link to an in depth article discussing how to help children thru the grief process:

https://www.vitas.com/family-and-caregiver-support/grief-and-bereavement/children-and-grief/guidelines-for-helping-grieving-children#:~:text=Keep%20lines%20of%20conversation%20open,available%20to%20listen%20and%20help.

My condolences on the loss of your FIL. Best of luck to you.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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AS a school counselor, I always found that "Art", such as drawing or painting, was a very helpful tool to assist children in expressing their Grief. Poster boards or even a roll of "butcher paper" and lots of colored pens and pencils, could be very beneficial to your children express their grief at the loss of Granddad. Perhaps all three could work together on a long mural of the life of their Grandfather. In schools, "Art" is so very often used as a means of expressing strong emotion. Like Alva, I am grateful that your FIL was not driving a car at the moment of Cardiac Arrest.
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Reply to fluffy1966
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Reach out to your children's schools Social worker and Counselor. They have the resources and knowledge of community services to help with any grief counseling available. They will be able to assist you with in house services too. Some schools, depending on State, provide during school or after school groups that help with grief processes and any other needs that are needed during a difficult event.
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Reply to AMZebbC
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Try to get the kids into crafting or hobbies they might enjoy. Time heals. They need to have more fun since they are going through grownup situations. Maybe taking them to fun holiday activities during Halloween. So very sorry for your loss. As an only child, I was experiencing funerals while being very young. It's confusing for children. Religion can help, but also cause them to question mortality more.
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Reply to Onlychild2024
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TXmomof3: Their school counselors would be great resources.
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