Any suggestions on how I can improve the dynamic with my elderly father (level III dementia) when it comes to hoarding and cleanliness?
My father who, I asked to live with me and who I thought was a co-dependent hoarder, has homekeeping traits that are misaligned with mine: a small, but reoccurring example: he buys worms to fish with (among other things) in the winter months because he said they were on sale, but the worms take up too much room in his dorm room size fridge; he keeps his milk out of the fridge to make room for the worms and the milk goes bad. Or he’s made room for the milk by laying the container on its side—it spills, and he doesn’t clean it up and the smell from the fridge is horrible after a few days. Or he keeps food/cold cuts until it spoils and smells but he refuses to throw them out.
When I do ANY of the cleaning on his behalf he gets frustrated and slightly angry. This is the ONLY issue I have with my dad living with me: he constantly shops for things he doesn’t use or need and it goes bad. I clean his fridge/cat litter when I can (I work full time) during the one day of the week his elder care provider comes to take him out for four hours.
The smells and demands on my husband’s time are causing issues in my marriage now AND I don’t want to put my dad in an facility, but may need to.
With that said, my dad eats like a bird (minus the four gallons of milk per week he drinks) and yet he buys multiple packages of the same things without opening the previous packages of the exact same item. Mostly he doesn’t recall buying the items, but more importantly, when I tell him/show him, he doesn’t want to throw away the items that he hasn’t opened….he just wants to keep all the old/expired unopened packages (hence the hoarding). I keep this at bay by going through his room (if I have a break from work) when his care provider comes by once per week and throw out all the duplicate/triplicate items (he doesn’t even notice or miss them).
I told him today, that I will have his care provider clean out his fridge and he became very agitated and said it is his fridge and she doesn’t have to clean HIS fridge.
I had a wonderful adult day care facility when I lived in Maryland. I am just returning to this region during COVID and have not found such a facility at this time. Thank you for your comment and again, perhaps I can find an adult day care facility since we may be moving past the urgent COVID phase.
I have decided that the state can take my mom's house when she dies or goes into care.
It is so rough and no amount of my cleaning effort has ever changed anything. Except to cause fights because I clean.
I think you are an awesome daughter, well done!
I checked weekly and threw items away as needed. I got him hooked on using almond milk, that way it didn't stink and I bought the shelf stable quarts. That way it didn't poison him if he left it out. They don't leak if the screw lid is placed on well.
I would have an honest conversation with him, tell him what needs to change and how it is going to change, ie almond milk, twice weekly aid or housekeeper, you cleaning out bad food weekly without any fight. Make it very clear that the things going on that need to be changed are deal breakers and his only other choice is to move.
I found these conversations really hard but, I knew things would escalate if I didn't set the ground rules down. I never made him wrong, it was always stuff happens and we need to change it for it to work for everyone, besides, I don't want you to die of food poisoning.
Best of luck getting things where they work for everyone.
The weekly aid comes once per week now and will increase to 3x per week in the summer months. I’ve tried negotiating with him about him living with us needs to be beneficial for all of us and yes, it is hard. Frankly, I have never told him he goes to a facility if he doesn’t help with his cleanliness—I guess I don’t have the guts to say that to him yet. Thank you again for your suggestions.
Some churches and faith-organizations sometimes have affordable adult day cares on their premises, so maybe research those. I like Grandma1954's suggestion of maybe having the companion help him clean the fridge and cat box when they come. Or give them your actual grocery list so they can shop for your items -- maybe your dad will enjoy "buying" those things. As his dementia progresses you will find yourself trying to control him and his behaviors. Sometimes you won't be able to keep up with it.
Your husband is your priority, not your dad. If his care in your home is putting a strain on your marriage, then what will you do to save it? I think you know the answer. Your dad's needs will only increase and so will the strain. Your dad may get far more socialization and activities in a good, reputable care community. You can visit him as often as you like and go home to a peaceful marriage.
If affordability is the issue, contact social services to see if he'd be helped by an Elder Waiver. Also consult with a Medicaid Planner sooner rather than later so you know how to protect his ability to qualify. You are not alone in this dilemma, but the advice will mostly be the same: your husband/marriage comes first. Period. I wish you much peace in your heart as you work out a solution.
He was wrong to not share his thought and depart the way he did (I was out of town) but now I need to decide if I need to make any changes on my end which is hard to do when my spouse leaves in that manner.
I don’t think my dad will qualify for assistance, but I may consider putting him in a facility where he can not only socialize with others, but have some level of independence and live (reasonably) on his own terms while I visit him….it will likely break his heart as I moved him from our home state of Missouri and I will be his only visitor.
Does he go out by himself? If it is the eldercare worker that takes him out instruct that person that he can not buy anymore worms or other items he does not need.
Monitoring his purchases might help.
You say he is living with you does he have a room and a small refrigerator or is he in what might be called an "In-law suite"? If he is living with you and has a small refrigerator in his room can he keep milk in your refrigerator? Any perishable items in your refrigerator so that you can toss out what is spoiled.
This does not sound like "hoarding" by normal definition. I would say it is the dementia and he does not "know" that things need to be tossed out. Or "cause / effect" when something spills.
The worker that comes in to help him 1 day a week what do they do? Is it possible that that day of the week the refrigerator and litter box can be cleaned?
It might also be a good idea to increase the time to 2 days a week.
You might also want to look into Adult Day Care for him. That would get him out another few days of the week.
If dad is a Veteran it is possible that the VA would help. They may be able to provide help more often, pay for the cost of Adult Day Care.
If he is a Veteran contact your local Veterans Assistance Commission and they can help determine if he qualifies for services and if so how much help can be provided. It might be a little or a LOT