My mother in law (MiL) suffered a massive stroke and is paralyzed on the right side and incontinent and can't communicate much. My DH wants to leave his job to move home to be her caregiver either at her house or to visit her daily if she is discharged to a nursing home or assisted living. She used to live by herself. He is adamant of his decision whether I move with him or not. I neither speak the language nor have a job if I move with him. I offered him that we visit his Mom once every 2 weeks as we live in a different country from his Mom (~1.5 hours flight). I am torn and don't know what to do. I don't want to devote my life to care for his Mom and feel rotten for not being able to support my DH with his wish. I will also likely lose my marriage as I don't know how to maintain a long distance one with no end in sight. I moved from the US to Europe to be with him leaving my aging parents in the US. I still live with that guilt as I put my marriage over taking care of my parents. I am still taking care of my parents long distance and flying back and forth the US to see them. Thank you very much in advance for all the advice!
Why should you feel rotten to ask to be put first? I strongly suggest some therapy.
When we marry, we pledge to put our spouse and our children first in our lives. Not our parents.
I am sorry that you married a man that wants to put his mom before you. It's ok that he wants his mom to get great care, but that can be done by others, and not at the expense of your marriage. Sounds like he's already made his choice when he picked his mom over you, so that in itself should tell you a whole lot. Get yourself a good lawyer. Best wishes.
by Kenneth M. Adams Ph.D. and Alexander P. Morgan.
He sounds like a son whose mother made him an emotional partner as this book points out, Silently Seduced: When Parents Make Their Children Partners by Kenneth M. Adams PhD
He's been groomed this way and is going to be tough to break. His being adamant about this sounds much like my wife and her mother before she got freedom via therapy and my not putting up with it. I had my own problems with my mother which never got resolved until she began her own decline and the memories came back.
Whether he goes or not, you need the support of a therapist and it would be nice if he'd join you.
I must run to a PT appointment, but I will be back and keep up with you. I will be praying for you. You are not alone. We have had people here who are married to men just like your husband.
Sounds like a passionate immediate knee jerk response on his part. I must help Momma, I must go now! Maybe this is what you love about him, his family values, his sense of duty?
But being Superman flying to rescue his Mother will leave his Lois Lane to fend for herself.
If you love your Superman - set him free. Would it be possible to give him a little time to work out where he will fit in his Mother's health crises?
Could he;
1. Discuss & plan that you will both have the finances to meet your obligations (rent/mortgage, bills, car, insurances, food etc) while you are separated?
2. Put a time limit on his assessing the situation he finds once there with Mother.
3. Put a time limit to decide his plans: to either find a permanent care solution for his Mother (not him) & return to you OR decide he will stay indefinitely & set you free.
It may be that he turns up, is devestated by her loss of health, they cry & grieve together. He tries to do everything, fix everything, then realises he cannot actually fix the stroke. Only time can (IF it can). He may then see it is Mother that needs to change HER life. Needs to move in with local family, or into care. Then he can adjust. 'Trial of Care' it is called.
I believe marriage is not all black or white. You have hit a grey patch. A challenge that hopefully, with continued good communication, you can get through.
(I assume he is an only child). Most likely, he doesn't realize the magnitude of care she will most certainly need. In a very short while, he will learn that he can't possibly take care of her alone, and will most likely put her in a nursing home. With Covid-19 rampant, will he even get to visit her everyday like he thinks he can?
Stay where you are, you have a job and parents of your own that you tend to when you can. If your hubby insists on going, let him work it out on his own. Be supportive on your own terms. This is a situation with an outcome that is impossible to predict right now, but I think will work itself out in time. BTW, last year my ex-MIL had a massive stroke after Covid-19, was paralyzed on one side, couldn't talk, wasn't eating, and was put on hospice. She is now eating, talking, regained partial strength on the damaged side, and is off hospice-she is 95. So you see - you never know!
Have faith and don't listen to the haters, always go with your gut!
How will you eat? How will you pay bills? Is his mother going to pay him a salary? How will you save for YOUR future needs?
I’m sorry this is happening to you.