How to make peace that you are your mother’s only caregiver even though you have two siblings (w/ tons of excuses)? How do you not explode?

Amy, My condolences on the loss of your father. You were a good daughter to him. As for your Mom, I feel for you. I was in your shoes in caring for Mom who had Dementia for almost 7 years. I am the youngest of 4. I have two sisters and one brother. I told them, I asked them, and I pleaded with them to help more with Mom. They chose to give " what they wanted and nothing more". Arguing only lead to discourse and disrespect from them. Thank God, and with Gods help I was able to get her 24 hr home care. She worked hard and in the end she was able to reap her benefits. Had Medicaid and Medicare. I fought hard to get her doctors visits at home, all labs done at home and xrays done at home. I was everything, "proxy, aide, case manager, advocate, etc." I gave her my best. No regrets. My dad was as helpful as he could be, Mom and he were in their late 80's when Mom was diagnosed. Dad helped hold her while aides cleaned her( when she was bedridden). He also kept the aides and mom company all day. Every day, upon rising, he would walk over to Mom and tell her how much he loved her and how beautiful she was. Sadly, when Mom was getting worse(ended up bedridden for 2 years, and didn't say much... a word here and there) I told my siblings, when Moms gone, I'm gone. Meaning all communication betw. us will cease. Mom passed away just before last Christmas. Mom and Dad were married for almost 69 years!
I stepped up immediately, and started to initiate all that would be needed to provide care for Dad, who is in pretty good shape(he turned 95 this year). Once again, God has taken care of us. Dad has an aide for 3 days/10 hours and another one for 4 days/10 hours. Covid has been challenging but he doesn't go out, the aides protect themselves and dad too. He feeds, bathes, dresses and shaves himself. Gets around with a walker and has a great memory for his age. I have the aides walk him up and down the hall ( with gloves and Mask) 2-3 times a day. My brother visits once a week and AT LEAST brings groceries. If needed, I only communicate with my sister in-law by text, or email, to inform my brother of dads grocery needs and what not to buy him(he is Type 2 diabetic). I usually, if needed, take Dad to see his doctor. If I cannot, then I text/email my sister in-law to ask if my brother can take him( fyi, my brother is dads proxy). My sisters visits sparingly. When Dad goes to be with Mom(and God), I will move away and leave no forwarding address. Each of us make our own choices and in the end ... it will be what it will be! May God Bless you and your husband and provide you with all you need to care for your precious mother.

Since none of our 90 year old dad’s four kids are willing or able to provide him with the 24/7 care he needs, I helped him tap into his home equity to pay for it. I visit him (Oregon from California) once a month for a week to offset the cost of his care and make the equity last longer; however, at a cost of $8000 per month, it will be gone in two years and I’ll have to reevaluate at that time. All the siblings know that there will not be anything left to inherit when he passes, as I may pay myself first for all the hours I provided care! I should note that I reduced his caregivers to the most trustworthy three after Covid hit, and feel confident that they are taking all precautions to keep him and themselves safe. I also get tested before I visit.

Everyone seems to be suggesting that the OP arrange for aides to come in to help. In this age of Covid, do you not think that is risky? The aide might work with other patients and is exposed to all their germs as well as the exposure she has to her own family (if there is one) and all the people her family has been exposed to. Risk to me seems to outweigh the reward.

Believe me, I understand completely what she is saying. I, too, am the only daughter and, while my younger brother has been helping by caring for Mom for two weeks each month in his home, he has now decided that caring for Mom is "too hard" and he no longer wants to do it! HUH?? It has been suggested that we seek out in-home care, but I believe at this point, it is too risky.

So, looks like I will again become Mom's sole caregiver. She is 90 and her dementia is worsening and she is now down to 107 lbs because she does not feel hunger or want to eat. Truly, this is the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire 71 years!

It's difficult for certain people to discern between being a big sister and being a professional negotiator. Within a family unit of three siblings there is an opportunity to become the most wonderful team of collaborators or a bunch of bratty children who say "no you can't make me" and "you're not the boss of me" in a very dangerous situation, at the expense of insufficient elder care or at the demise of the health of the one left to carry the full burden. I am frankly tired of people saying "you can't make people" NO ONE IS MAKING PEOPLE...what we are trying to do is corral the wild horses who want to go out and play all the time whilst you are stuck in the house cleaning the toilet at age 11. Just because I and others like me never learned to become "negotiators" does not mean we are trying to MAKE YOU do things you won't want to do. We are speaking like we had to when we were children, we cannot pick magic nice nice words out of our hats but we are trying our darnest, and as adults you should as sibilings to this woman should be looking at what is behind her words. I tried calling meetings, asking for lunch dates to get to reconnect with adult siblings who were out of touch due to being out of town or due to having World of Wrestling on TV night after night whilst I went off to go hiking in nature. I tried these to foster trust between the trust lost being raised in a very "individualistic" household. Different personalities, should not mean, that the Oldest is burdened with the responsibility till death due her part. I did not marry my parents. I do however know that 3 siblings can break up the work. One sleeps there at the house but that will wear you down as soon as your mother starts to get worse, or stops walking and requires diaper changes. You need resources. Money. To hire someone to come at night and sleep over while you get your sleep, as one day, she will or can come to that. It was only when it was too late that Monday to Thursdays were mine from 10 to 5 or sometimes 8 p.m. in my mother's last year of life. It was only then that the brats decided to come over then from Thursday to Friday one and the youngest temporarily moved upstairs because she had a "husband" who would be able to handle any heavy lifting if needed. For example, if my mother fell going to the bathroom in the middle of the night. Which happened twice because she refused to use the bedroom commode. Even this was too much for the sister as later it got worse and instead of "collaborating" towards funding toward hiring a night nurse, she instead played "martyr" in hopes of making this a revenge show later on after my mother passed. I am frankly tired of people playing this "you can't make others do anything they don't want to". We need to legislate Elder Care Plans not have to hire $1000 plus a pop "Elder Mediators"...as each sibling has to pay for the service in order for the "mediators$$$$" to create a happy team of children. I know parents played favorite and this is not the time settle old rivaveries, it is a time to collaborate. To become those little girls who sang Christmas Carols together...instead. Reconnecting is not a innate skill it is a new skill one that needs warranting. If you can't get them to cover over, could asking for financial assistance work instead. Do they know that elders are not like children who you take care of because childern eventually become self-sufficient. Elders become completely dependent. Is your mother's personality the issue here? No one wants to see her? Then ask for the money, go to a lawyer to write an ask letter for money outlining your hours and your time spent care giving. People need a wake up call, and an option to help. Add this option to the letter. Either you help out, or you pay out. Maybe, people can start to create a new precedent in these types of house hold disconnects. A one off letter at a lawyer, who can write more eloquently than I do...and without the rage and rancor in tone.

Not sure if finances allow more help, but if there is money for that sort of thing, use it. Some folks are fortunate in that respect, others are not and have to do what they do to manage the care of a parent.

Since neither of the siblings are 'caregivers' and refuse to help, approach the subject of them paying for care they refuse to provide. If you can get them to agree to house cleaning a day or two a week - it will help you. Pay for in home help so you and hubby can have a weekend away once a month, every other month or even quarterly. You may or may not get help that way.

There are people who will help their loved ones in this world. Then, you have those who think everyone is on their own. What you do for your mom comes down to 'what you can live with'. If you placed her in a facility, would the guilt eat you up when she passes? That's pretty much how I approach decisions I make - what can I live with. Yes, there is still some anger when you don't get help, Even if they don't want to help mom, you wonder how they can leave you to do it alone. The thing is, they are doing what they can live with and our hearts will never understand how it can be so little. Like many of us who post here, just do the best you can do.

You have received some excellent advice from many. Everyone is allowed to make their own decisions. They are not allowed to force others to support those decisions. When my parents got to the point where they could not live alone easily, they changed their minds about moving to assisted living and decided to stay home. They began to need all kinds of help, from grocery shopping to managing my dad’s large garden. This was their decision. My decision was that I would not give up my own life to support their choices, I was willing to do some things, and I did, but just because they wanted the “assisted living” to be provided free by their kids doesn’t mean the kids have to agree. It caused major resentment on the part of the ones who leapt at the chance to be heroes at first but then tired of the work.

Just because one kid decides that a parent must be cared for at home doesn’t mean everyone else has to agree. Maybe your sibs feel that your dad’s widow with dementia should be in memory care, or have paid caregivers to stay home, and that choice is just as valid as yours. Parents can decide that they don’t want to pay for long term care insurance and instead ask family to do it. That’s their choice. But the family doesn’t have to go along.

It’s better to focus on what you CAN control. Take an inventory of all the assets: cash, investments, house, insurance. Make a list of options: memory care, in-home caregivers, help from kids and the expenses of each option. Don’t forget ordinary expenses such as home repairs, insurance, and property taxes. Find out if there is a will or if trusts are already in place, find out who has power of attorney for healthcare and finance. Then everyone gets to decide together. Sometimes family doesn’t want to pay for care because it will eat up the inheritance, sometimes they don’t want to give up their own lives to provide it themselves...it’s complicated. But the TL;DR is that you have to make your own decisions. The decisions of your siblings can figure into your own, and you may decide that you don’t want to be the sole caregiver, but you don’t get to decide that the others have to help. If “shared caregiving” is not an option, what is left to choose from? “Abandon her at home” is criminal neglect so that’s not an option either. There is a compromise between those extremes that won’t please everyone, but sometimes such a compromise is all we can do.

There are a couple of routes you can go with this. Understand that most family members do not have complete agreement or understanding.

1 - You can do all the work of caregiving and resent the family members who won't help. The only one who ends up the loser is you. The other family members will continue to give you excuses and will never lend help in any form, You and your husband will likely experience burnout if you do not have a good support network.

2 - You can accept that the rest of the family will not help and move on. Build a network of family, friends, members of your faith group, and paid help to lighten your caregiving load. You'll know when you have a good system when you can get 7-9 hours of sleep daily, have 3 good meals a day, have time to exercise, and time for social interactions and hobbies that do not include your mother. This division of labor will allow you to nurture your marriage while also caring for your mom.

3 - You have a couple of family meetings with all family members concerned/involved in mom's care. Make a list of tasks that mom needs help with. Have everybody sign up for ones that they agree to help with - whether they do it personally or hire somebody else to do it. Whatever tasks are "leftover" should be done by paid help. The money for the paid help should come out of mom's resources, not yours. If somebody shirks their responsibility, have a one on one meeting to discuss options when they can not or will not help out.

Amy, you are right to feel angry. I bet your siblings will be at your side when mom dies and their inheritance is waiting. I think it was less your “choice” and more like everyone else scattered and you were the only one left. And what are you supposed to do? Just abandon your mom. Well, your siblings did exactly that. If I were you, I’d find a care facility. There is still a LOT of care you need to do but you will get a break from the 24/7 responsibilities. You need to have a life of your own. And please, for your own sake, let go of the anger. You are only hurting yourself. Don’t let your siblings do that to you. Find a place for your mom, start loving yourself again. And let go of your siblings. I plan to do the same. After this is all over with my mom I will likely never speak to either of them and I’ll live happily ever after 😊

Forgot to add - one thing I did was begin to pay myself for my time spent caregiving. I did it mostly to distribute some of her funds in case she lived a much longer time and would end up on medicaid. It sounds shallow but it really did help me that when I added up the many hours spent on her care and paid myself for them once a month, it made me resent my sister a little less. You have to write up a formal personal care agreement and report it as income on your taxes. My mom was on board with it and had the funds so I was very fortunate in that respect. If your mom has assets you might set it up so each of you gets paid for the time you spend and see if that doesn't entice them to step up.

I understand how you feel completely. I am one of four daughters, two that live 5 minutes away and one that is 4 hrs away. Mom is 99 now and moved in with me after a stroke two years ago. I had promises of help too but ultimately it has come down to just me except for occasional visits. It took time but I am ok with that. The reality is, if I was the only sibling, I would be doing this anyway. It's just who I am and that probably describes you too. I keep Mom with me because I want to, not because I have to. My siblings did not offer Mom a home with them and that is between them and Mom. I take pride in knowing that I am there for my mother. I am doing the right thing. It really has nothing to do with anyone else. It's between me and Mom.

"Yet the hatred I feel for the two or them makes me sick at times. How do I just accept this as a choice ? How do I let go of the rage of losing so many years?"

Focus on your words: "...makes me sick..."

You need to realize that your anger and frustration, while understandable, is only hurting you, not them. Nothing you say or do will change them. You can only change yourself and how you deal with it all. Once this sinks in, work on ditching the anger and frustration. Been there, done that myself.

Ignore all the stuff about your choice of words, that isn't important. What I've suggested above can be difficult, but it can be done. Been there, done that!

I can't fit it all here, so my experience will be posted as a comments to this comment. Please read them, so you understand you aren't alone, and perhaps you can glean some help from how I dealt with this anger and frustration. It doesn't happen overnight, but it can make it better for you.

I appreciate this discussion group so much. When I feel I have reached the end of my caregiving rope I read what so many others are dealing with and it gives an odd sense of comfort to know that others are struggling just like I am.

The resentment raises its ugly head every once and awhile and I have to remind myself of the definition: Resentment is like taking poison and wanting the other person to die.

I am retired and live close to my 90 year old mother. One sibling lives across the country and the other an hour away. They both are still working educators amidst this pandemic. I have often asked their opinion in making decisions about Mom's care but soon realize they don't have a sense of how things really are with her. Her short term memory is becoming more and more fuzzy. She broke a hip a year ago and is still in her condo with overnight help 4 nights a week. She wants to cut back on the help as it is expensive. I have her on a waiting list for AL only due to waiting for circumstances to push the issue.

What feeds my resentment is that my mother had no plan for her aging. She is planning to live forever I think. She doesn't want to go to AL and can't see that in the long run it is cheaper than trying to keep up the expenses of her condo and the in-home care all of which I manage as well as her finances and doctor's appointments.

My father died from a 12 year bout of Alzheimers 9 years ago. Because I live locally I have been the point person. It has been a 20 year duty and I am tired. What I have found helpful is: having a good therapist, learning to set boundaries with what I can and cannot do for my mother (like committing to solving minimal problems on Wednesdays when I bring the groceries), wonderful friends who listen with empathy, a supportive partner, LETTING GO of expectations from my siblings (I struggle with this one), taking note of all that I am learning so that I can better prepare for my own aging and not be a burden to my own daughter.

I wish the best for all of us who are now called The Sandwich Generation.

You can pretend you are the only child which seems sadly to be your reality unjust as it is. I am an only child. My mother has had periods of illness since I was 7. My parents divorced in 1976. I have tried pointlessly to have her be healthier. Now at 90 my worse fears are happening. She is very overweight and is in a nursing home after having to leave AL after a serious hospital stay. It is doubtful she will walk let alone stand. She can't be showered. She can't use the toilet. Yet she has some mind left and wonders when she can be out of there. Everyone around her is practically comatose.

I am sorry for your situation. From my viewpoint we almost have the same since you receive no help from siblings. I only have myself and the years of hoping this would never come to pass.

I’ve reread your post several times. First, your rage at your sisters has no impact whatsoever on them, but it will kill you. This is well documented. As humans, instead of being angry with ourselves and our choices, we often get angry at others for their perceived lack of understanding or willingness to comply with our plans. Did you really have a conversation with your sisters about mom or did you “tell them we would take turns” and assume they would fall in line with your decisions?

You also call their choices “lies.” Really? If I had a sibling who called my choices lies, I would run as quickly as possible in the opposite direction and leave them to deal alone.

I understand that having had success with your father, you felt you had the key to helping your mom but this hasn’t turned out as you hoped. Every case is the same and yet every case is different. When you promised to care for your parent, that care can take many forms, including outside help and assisted living. Don’t let your rage blind you to other sources of support such as have been suggested here.

When I returned to the area and began taking over much of my mom’s care, I was very angry at my brother who had been her primary caregiver. The truth was he had made choices about her care which worked for him, and never asked for any help or input from the other three siblings. He complained that we didn’t understand what he had been going through. The truth was mother had been hiding her problems from the rest of us and he wouldn’t tell us what he needed fearing we would insist on assisted living to help with her Parkinson’s and that might require selling her house where he was living. We haven’t spoken since her death, and probably never will, but the anger is gone and only sadness remains. If he had asked for help, instead of sacrificing his life, who knows what might have been.

It's really impossibility to accept the fact that your two sisters are not pulling their weight with helping out with your mom.

You did move in with your mom, so they might look at it that you're getting free rent and therefore taking care of mom in return.

If your mom can afford it, hire help to care for your mom a few hours a day or whenever you need it on a regular basis.

If mom can't afford it, tell your sisters that they need to pay for a Caregiver to help you out.

You also might make an agreement in writing, that when your mom passes that the house will be yours gor the care you're giving her and not be sold and divided between your non helping siblings.

Praters thst they come around and do their fair share.

I have been in your shoes and I know that rage all too well. I think I've posted on here before with the same question! The rage and betrayal and injustice is really hard to swallow. I only have one sister but she went completely awol when my mother was sick. Then my father died suddenly and I was left to clean up everything AND take care of my mom who needed a lot of care. And, I work, and had two teenagers, one was a senior. I had to basically abandon my own family to care for my mother. My sister wasn't even working, has plenty of money, doesn't have any children or really ANY responsibilities but lived out of state and skedaddled out of here as fast as she could. Yes, it was my choice to care for my mom, but frankly I didn't have a choice. This was my mother that I loved dearly and she needed help and there was no one else. I did put her in ALF but she was cognizant and aware and had complex medical issues that needed frequent attention. I could not and would not abandon her. But I would have really liked some help! I can tell you that rage was so intense at my sister. I swore I'd never speak to her again after my mother died. I knew it was eating me up inside. Even my teens who love their aunt started to see her differently. I did not prejudice them but they saw how it all played out and it affected them. I will tell you I prayed and prayed for forgiveness. I think I read every forgiveness reading plan on my bible app. I was still rageful, deeply resentful. It took a really long time, but eventually the rage started to lift a little at a time. A few months before my mother died, I did come to peace with it. I wish I could say exactly how, but maybe all those prayers kicked in. I began to see my sister as really someone who was not willfully neglectful but really just an anxious person who could not deal with her mother's illness. She suffered in her own ways. When my mother passed, I felt peace. My sister still struggles. I really thought I would say, Serves you right! You reap what you sow! But that's not how I feel, much to my own surprise. I do feel sorry for her if you can believe that. So I call her and try to help her through her grief. Hers is harder than mine. I miss my mother every day but I know what I did for her and my mom knew what I did for her. We had a closeness that my sister didn't and it was her loss. My sister has to live with her own choices. I also know my mother was grateful to me but she never felt resentful towards my sister, she just knew that was who she was. I see it now as a way to honor my parents that I am still in contact with my sister and things are better between us. Way better than I ever thought they could be, so don't lose hope for your future relationship with your sisters.
In the interim, what I learned was I had to ask for help, and be specific. They may say no, but at least you asked. I would ask my sister, look I want to go on vacation, can you come one of these 3 weeks? She did and I went on vacation (once in two years, but hey better than nothing). My sister literally flew in and out for the bare minimum of time - my mom was alone for the first and last day of the 5 day vacation, but she did it. My sister of course, went on multiple vacations during this time.
Other than that, focus on your relationship with your mom. Draw boundaries if needed, and work on accepting the realities apart from your sisters. I always call it the social contract you never knew you signed. My life was completely upended when my mother suddenly became sick and declined dramatically literally overnight. In my case, the caregiving was only for 2 years but it was intense and daily. It was hard, no doubt, made harder that I was left alone to do it. My heart goes out to you. Hang in there my friend and take it one day at a time.

It is very hard to do it alone, i hire people as needed. My sibs ask how things are from time to time. I tell them fine. The upside is I handle my mom, and her house however I see fit without discussion or drama. Think of it as a blessing your sibs are out of the loop.

I am in the same position as you. I cycle between anger to rage to acceptance, back to rage then acceptance, etc... I try to accept that my sibs have checked out, knowing that I'll pick up the slack. I really think that if they just acknowledged the situation, maybe thanked me once in a while, that would mean the world to me. One bro does offer gratitude to me for all I do for mom and it really softens my heart. Good luck. I'm in there with you.

I hope you can move forward to a more comfortable mental and emotional position. Perhaps my resolution for sibs who would not help would give you another way to look at it. I sat before a mirror one day and asked myself this question: "Would you resent taking total responsibility for Mom if you were her only child?" My answer was, "No, I would not be resentful." It brought me great peace to deliberately ignore my judgement that the others SHOULD help. They never did. My peace comes from knowing that I did my best. You sound like a very loving person, and I feel sure you will find your way to peace because you are doing your best.

Based on Amy's one response that it is "nonsense to have to ask her sisters" about caring for the mother, I'm thinking she doesn't want to hear what most posters here have said. That is it was her choice for herself (as she realizes) and she is wanting a certain behavior from her sister's which is not her choice. She professes hatred towards them for having made that choice. She needs the help of a professional to sort this out and to stop hating someone's choices that she has no control over. When we have expectation of others that we wish we could control but can't , it is a recipe for disappointment. So Amy, lose that and see a therapist. And make plans to get this mother help by others and begin letting go of some sort of promise you made that you regret. Promises can be renegotiated ...it happens all the time.

I wish it could be broadcast everywhere on the planet:
ONE PERSON CANNOT DO IT ALL!

I am touched by the kind and valuable advice people have shared here. My situation is different but essentially the same--kind of thinking they all are essentially the same. My decision was that if he wasn't going to be involved, I don't have to get my brother's advice and/or approval for any decisions I make, nor will I have to make him happy with outcomes. And yes will spend 95-year old mother's money on caretakers because I'm not able nor willing to do everything. My dad passed 3 weeks ago after 4 years in a nursing home. Any regrets over what I had to do to take care of him are totally overshadowed by my happiness I got to do those things. Which regrets can you not live with? Thank you everyone! For 2021: be well, be kind, be bold.

I'm an only child, so I was the sole (kid) caregiver for my dad who had COPD, and then my mom who developed Alzheimer's 9 years later. When my mom was totally "sane" I told her how if I had a brother or sister, they could help me with my dad. (I said this 1 day after working, going to visit my father in rehab (to improve his lung function) going to a doctor's visit myself, and being exhausted. She said that I was such a nice daughter, that I'd want to visit my dad often, which I did, but it would have been nice having someone help shoulder the burden, but I know many people who have siblings and they don't help, either because they don't live close, or because of other issues and/or excuses. I even wrote a book dealing with my husband and I taking care of my mom called, "My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale." It doesn't address your issue specifically, but it might provide some humor, insights and advice. I know someone who is 1 of 4 siblings, but he took the lion's share of responsibility with his mom, for a variety of reasons. It was very hard to, as the movie song said, "Let it go," in terms of the unfairness of carrying most of the load, so he just did the best he could, for family harmony.

I won’t have anything to do with my younger sibling who cut my mother off when my dad died. My mum wouldn’t let her control the money. I cared for my mother for 13 years. My older sister and I had a huge blow up when she finally showed up when my mother died. She had every excuse why she never contributed, never visited, never helped. Our relationship is better now but I always know she’s never going to be there for me.

It is usually one person who is left to do all the care. Been there, done that.
You cannot force others to do caregiving.

There is one thing some of us are overlooking, I forgot to mention in my post. It is easy to say, put your Mother in a nursing home, but with Covid you may not be able to visit. It was suggested that I put my Mom in a nursing home, but I would have never seen her again. That was not an option for me. I was so lucky that FL allowed me to visit her in the hospital and then hospice, where she passes after 24 hours.

People do what they can/will do. There's nothing you can say that'll change them.

The most important thing to do is realize your anger and resentment affect you, not them, so why damage yourself? Don't waste brain cells on them anymore and just take that monkey off your back.

It's hard to get rid of the anger that you have over your siblings and their "choice" to not help at all with your parents' caregiving. Sometimes it's not possible to get rid of the anger and resentment. Yes, you chose to be the caregiver, but you also get the option of the same choice as your siblings which is to not be a caregiver. I think it's extremely cruel of parents to make their kids promise not to put them in a nursing home. They assume that their adult kids will just give up their lives to become slaves to their needs. That is wrong.
I totally understand what you're going through with siblings who won't lift a finger to help with the care. The ones who never help are always the first ones in line when it's time to inherit though. If you're keeping your mom out of a nursing home, then you need something in writing saying that you get compensated the caregiving. As for that rage you feel about losing so many years. Forgive yourself for having the rage. It's time to put your father's wife in a nursing home and take back your life. If you continue to be her caregiver that rage and resentment about all the years you put in will only grow bigger until it becomes your life.

I could go on and on regarding this topic but here’s something that helps me a LOT; exercise. In particular, cardio kickboxing. The place I go to ( went to, it’s online now due to covid ) has full sized standing bags that you can punch and kick as hard as you please. I have found it impossible to try to morph my anger into something else so instead I use it as fuel for these workouts. It’s been most satisfying and you can really get in shape this way! Recently the martial arts school loaned out these huge bags to the students so I now have one in my house.

Doesn’t have to specifically be kickboxing, but you get the idea. Fyi I call my big loaner martial arts bag, “ The Therapist”. It is, too!!

Amy, I too have anger and resentment towards my siblings. There are many scenarios that can bring us to that place of resentment. I highly suspect that many of those who immediately like to point it that it was YOUR CHOICE to take on the caring and that your siblings have a right to their own CHOICE haven't been in OUR position, and don't really understand why it hurts so much and then turns to anger and even rage.

My mother is a life long narcissist and damaged all 3 of her kids in significant ways. I was the one who was groomed since childhood to feel responsible for my mother, under any condition. I remember bringing a date over to my parents house many years ago in my early 20's for a small party when my dad was still alive. We were having social drinks but my mom went overboard and was passing out in her chair. I was so embarrassed. I forget where my dad was, but I had to go over and coax my mom upstairs to first the bathroom so she wouldn't wet the bed from being so drunk, again, and then put her to bed.

The next day I saw her and tried to have a gentle conversation about how her drinking like that and me having to take her to bed made me extremely uncomfortable in front of my date. My mom flew into a RAGE and actually told me that I should be HONERED to help her to bed. Yes, she meant it. That is the kind of mother I grew up with.

I could relay many stories. The point is when my mom started wanting help the calls about "needing" to move near me started. I did move her, but I hate the word "choice" when I know full well I was manipulated big time, extremely anxious and unfortunately too weak to resist it. It's like saying someone chooses to be a victim of abuse. I also didn't know she had dementia, which as we know changes everything.

The first year and a half I gave my siblings a pass on being uninvolved. I understood why they didn't want to be around my mom. NONE of us do.

But going into year 2 and now 3, MY life has been so ruined by this, like you say the time lost from living my own life is time I will never get back. I feel like I've aged 10 years in 3 because of the stress. I have NOT badgered my siblings, but they know full well that I am suffering, pretty much daily, dealing with OUR mother.

My anger is because they have abandoned ME. Forget my mom, they don't care that I am suffering so much, and I've never been anything other that supportive to my siblings throughout our lives. Often being the first one called when help was needed, and I showed up for them both, many times.

Now I need them, just for moral support if nothing else, and neither show up. That's what hurts. They barely call my mom and when they do they just appease her, including when she complains about me.

I will never see them in the same light again. I'm angry and I feel like I have a right to be. This isn't about them and my mom, it's about them and ME.

I'm sorry you are struggling, and not getting any support from your siblings. The only advice I have is to try and take care of yourself the best you can, so you survive this journey with your mom, including when and if that journey means placing your mom into care. You will have a life after this, and your anger will probably wane, which will be good for you. That's what I'm hoping for, even though I know my relationship with my siblings will never be the same.

Good luck.